


Help Me

by frerardsprincess



Category: Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Everyone Is Gay, Hospitalization, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2019-01-04 16:06:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 44
Words: 83,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12172233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frerardsprincess/pseuds/frerardsprincess
Summary: Patrick attempts to kill himself and ends up in a mental hospital where he meets Pete who reminds him why he should live





	1. Chapter 1

**Patrick's POV**

When I wake up in an unfamiliar bed in clothes that aren't mine I'm confused but not really surprised. It's happened a few times after I cut too deep or accidentally overdosed and ended up in hospital so it's gotten familiar. I've ran away a couple of times as well so I've woken up on friends floors or in abandoned buildings or back in my own room so waking up weird places doesn't scare me as much as it used to.

The rooms bare and boring with no mirror or anything except a bed and a desk with a small bookcase above it. Hospital rooms don't have book cases in them and there's nothing medical in here so maybe it's not the hospital this time. There's thick bandages around my wrists though so obviously something happened, if it isn't the hospital then I must have ended up somewhere I promised myself I wouldn't.

A guy with short dark hair and a big forehead walks in and smiles at me cautiously "Hi, I'm Brendon". He's still trying to smile at me but he looks so awkward and I don't feel like talking to a random guy I don't know so I stare at him and wait for him to talk.

"Oh ok well your Patrick so hi" I must have succeeded in making him awkward if he's decided the only thing to say is to tell me what my name is, I slit my wrists not my brain, I'm not that dumb. I really hate doctors and nurses sometimes because I'm not a child just because I'm suicidal and depressed.

"Um so do you know where you are" I still sit in silence until he comes over and sits next to me on the bed "Your stuck with me and there's not really any way to get rid of me so if you'd try to work with me that'd be great" "Fine" "Your in a hospital" "A mental hospital" "We don't call it that" "But that's what it is" "Yeah basically but don't tell people that, they think it hurts you if you think your in a place for crazy people, they went you to know your not crazy" "I'm not crazy" "Yeah, most people here are either crazy or aren't crazy and know they're not so it's stupid"

He seems kind of nice and he's not treating me like I'm crazy so I try to be nice back and not make him hate me "Why are you here" "Well I'm doing work experience here because I want to do a phycology degree and this helps" "Your not a therapist" "Nope" "Are you getting paid?" "Nope, I just get work experience and it helps for college" "That's nice, I like you more then professional people with their fake happiness bullshit" "Try to let people help you, it might be good and maybe you'll actually enjoy it" "No" "Ok, well we're gonna go get some food, let's go"

I brush off the gross baggy white pants and matching shirt and follow Brendon out of the room. The room we end up in isn't very big and there's about 30 people in outfits like mine eating with a bunch of people in blue shirts like Brendon sprinkled between the people eating, most of them holding clipboards.

Brendon takes me to get some food then waits while I hover by the food, unsure where to go when I don't know anyone. "Go find somewhere to eat" "I don't know anyone" "It's ok, most people are nice" "I don't know anyone" "Find someone else with a band like yours"

On our shirts the only colour is the bands around the upper arm and I have 3, red, purple and orange. There's a lot of people in here and most of them seem to have a red one along with other colours so I just find a table at the end of the room with only one boy at it and slip onto the opposite end of the table. The boy doesn't even look up as I sit and focuses on cutting up all his food into tiny pieces. He has yellow, green, purple and blue bands around his arm which I don't understand but I guess it's something to do with the reason we're here.

Brendon stands by the guy who was with boy at my table and they talk quietly as I start on my food. Eventually the boy looks up and bites his lip "H-h-hi" "Hi". There's a silence as he keeps cutting the food slowly and looks up at me again when there's nothing left to cut "Why are you here" "You mean in the hospital or at this table" "T-table" "Because you looked like the least scary person and I had to sit somewhere" "I'm not scary" "Yeah I know, you look nice, I'm Patrick" "P-Pete" "Nice to meet you"

There's silence again as I finish the chicken and mashed potato and look at Pete "Are you going to eat" "No but I'll be forced to". Brendon and the guy turn away and keep whispering and Pete immediately slides over and starts throwing the food as quick as he can onto my plate then pulls his plate back to himself and takes a shaky bite.

I don't know what happened but Pete looks pretty worried so I eat the food before Brendon and the guy notice and let Pete finish the few bites of food he left for himself. "Why did you do that" "Shh" "Why" "Please, don't tell Ryan" "Tell him what" "That I did that, he's so nice and I don't wanna get in trouble" "I won't say anything" "Thank you"

His hands on the table scratching at the plastic covering on the tables and peeling it away so I reach over to touch his hand to make him stop when he rips his hands away and looks at me terrified. "No no no no no no" "Are you ok" "No no no no no". He stands up and starts backing away and shaking his head so I slide over to poke his guide, Ryan apparently, so he can do something. I don't know Pete and I don't know what to do about it so I'm just left wondering what I did wrong, I thought it'd be fine to just touch his hand to make him stop ripping up the plastic and breaking his nails.

"Pete it's ok, come here" Ryan says and walks slowly after Pete trying not to spook him as he keeps backing away with his eyes trained on me. Brendon sits next to me to block my view of Pete, and his view of me, and shakes his head "Did you touch him" "I tried to touch his hand, I didn't though" "He doesn't like people touching him" "I didn't know" "He only lets Ryan touch him and he never even lets him touch him very much" "I'm sorry" "Don't be, just don't touch people without their permission, some people are sensitive to that"

He lets me have some water then takes me back to my room where I sit on the bed and sigh "Is there anything to do here" "Yeah there's books and games and stuff in the lounge and you can bring them back to your room" "Do they have cards" "Yeah" "Wanna play a game with me" "That's what I'm here for"

We go to a nice room with lots of couches with a connecting room that looks like a library and get a pack of card and sit cross legged on the floor. "What should we play" "Poker?" "We have nothing to bet" "I used to have this system with my brother that we used whenever we wanted to knew things about each other. It's basically a fact is $10, a secret is $100 and a specific question is $1000" "I don't get it" "Well we cant bet with money so we can bet one fact on the cards or a secret or letting the other person ask whatever they want. We always have to tell the truth as well" "Ok that sounds good, I haven't played much though" "That's ok"

I deal out the cards and we start which I'm pretty proud of because I play a lot and I'm relatively good at this. I win the first 3 so I get 2 facts and 2 secrets from Brendon which he writes down on the corner of his clipboard then I bet really high on the next and loose so he gets a question. It keeps going until we've gone through the stack a few times and Brendon owes me 6 facts, 3 secrets and 2 questions and I owe 3 facts, 3 secrets and 1 question.

The facts are all pretty normal for him - he's 17, plays guitar, loves music and singing, has 3 dogs, lives with his brother, sister, mother and father and his favourite subjects are health and biology. Mine are that I'm also 17, I play bass, drums, guitar and piano and that I have a dog and a cat.

The secrets are kinda awkward because I don't know Brendon well enough to tell him a lot but I still tell him that I've never had a friend like Brendon's become for me and he's the closest friend I've ever had. Then that I've been self harming since I was 12. Then that I had attempted to kill myself 9 times but only 3 were close to working and those are the only ones that people know about.

His aren't quite so embarrassing, even though they might be for him and he tells me that he's gay and has known since he was 7, that he used to smoke weed before his parents found out and send him to rehab and that he's never fully come out because he's always been around homophobes. I agree to the last one and tell him that it's the same for me which he smiles at and gently takes my hand in his.

He says we can do questions another time and starts leading me back to my room when Ryan and Pete walk in. I turn to Brendon and see him making eyes at Ryan and I know that if I can't even be good and take care of myself here I should help him get with Ryan. I really wanna go back to my room but he's walked away and him and Ryan are whispering in a corner again leaving me and Pete here without a lot to do.

I go to the library to find books to read and from the quiet squeaking of hospital shoes Pete must follow me. "Hey Pete" I say without turning around as he pulls a book off the shelf near me and goes back to the lounge to read it. It didn't look like he looked at the book but maybe he just wanted to get away from me incase I try to touch him again.

I get about 10 books and walk back with the stack almost as tall as me and put it on the end of the couch next to Pete. Pete puts down the book and looks up at me "Can I borrow a book, I don't like mine, it's scary". He seems to shrink in on himself and picks at his nails again as I nod and smile as well as I can "Yeah you can pick one" "Can I just have one" "Ok, have you read the hunger games" "No" "You should, they're really good" "My old therapist said I shouldn't read things with death or prejudice or straight people in it" "There will always be some kind of prejudice and often death and every book has straight people" "But having LGBT people in my books apparently helps" "That's ok, one book won't hurt" "Ok" "You can pretend Peeta is a girl, it won't be hard to do"

He finally lets out a little smile and takes the book off me and opens it up. We both read in silence until Ryan and Brendon come and take us to our rooms. I wish I had a roommate or something, then it'd be better but apparently I'm not even supposed to have people other then Brendon in my room because I'm new and recently self harmed so it's not safe. Maybe one day I can room with someone, maybe even Pete, that'd be so much fun and maybe he'd start trusting me to touch him and he'd let me in.

The thing about LGBT people in his books sounds like he's gay or at least not straight so maybe I'll make progress since he's really cute. I'm asexual so he'd never have to do anything physical and a relationship would be so nice. People here don't judge or comment on things like my wrists which have been exposed with their bandages all day and no ones mentioned it so it'd be accepting. He's so pretty when he smiles so I wanna try being with Pete, maybe one day he'll let me be the only person expect Ryan to touch him without him running away.


	2. Chapter 2

**Patrick's POV**

Brendon leaves me to read for a few hours then the door opens and Pete slowly pokes his head around the door. "Hi Patrick" "Hey Pete" "Ryan and Brendon wanna hang out before dinner so they told me to come ask" "Yeah I'd love to"

He slides into the room and closes the door as quietly as he can "You don't have to, I'm sure they'll find a way to run off together away" "I want them to spend time together" "Ryan likes Brendon" "Brendon likes Ryan" "I've wanted to get them together but I don't know how" "I'll help with it" "Brendon's bi right" "Gay" "Oh, Ryan's bi" "He told me when we were talking, I'm gay too, in case that matter to you" "I'm gay, it doesn't matter" "Yay we can be the four gay musketeers"

I almost want to grab his hand or do something like that but instead I just stand up and abandon my book "Let's go" "Ok, they're outside".

Brendon slips his arm through mine and whispers that him and Ryan where thinking about meeting up outside the hospital as they trail behind. Brendon's so excited and he seems fine with holding onto me and everything which is good because I don't want to worry about offending Brendon as well, he seems like a nice person to be friends with.

"Come on Patrick there's games to be played" "Is that what we're doing" "Yup but no poker this time because you kicked my ass at it" "I played a lot" "I can tell, there's board games though and most people don't play them so we can, yay for us"

Brendon basically skips the entire way down the hall and we get back to the lounge "What should we play" "You choose Bren, it was your idea" "Actually it was Ry Ry's but that's ok" "Ooh nicknames now" "Yup, we're at the nickname stage" "I'm also in that stage with you, I guess we better start dating" "Ew no thanks, you aren't Ryan" "Is that your only criteria" "Yes, you gotta be Ryan and have a nice booty" "I'm not either" "Your booty ok but you don't have that Ryan booty" "Good to know" "Also I've been attempting to flirt all year and this time it's going to work" "How many cheesy pick up lines have you used" "Every single one imaginable" "I can see why your single" "Ryan loves it, I know he does"

Ryan and Pete walk in then and Ryan looks at Brendon "What was that, what does Ryan love" "Dick" "Well I do". We find some old snakes and ladders and decide to just do it because there's nothing better to do.

After a few rounds of Ryan kicking all our asses continuously Brendon throws the dice across the room and sits there pouting as Ryan plays with his hair to make him laugh. Pete stays and carefully backs up the board and arranges all the game pieces in colour order before looking up at me "Now what" "Those idiots seem busy" "You can leave if you don't wanna be here with me" "Why wouldn't I" "Brendon hasn't told you about the bands on your arm has he" "The coloured ones?" "Yeah" "No, I presumed they were just to identify us" "It's about your diagnosis, tells them what's wrong with you" "Can you tell me about them"

Pete shakes his head and looks down "You'll hate me" "Why" "I'm crazy" "So am I, I won't judge you, I promise" "Everyone makes fake promises, you'll think I'm crazy" "Then just tell me, I'll force Brendon to tell me anyway"

With a whimper he scoots away from Brendon and Ryan and starts whispering "Red is suicidal which most people have because that's why they're here. Orange is self harm which is also common. Yellow is eating disorder. Green is abuse or trauma or ptsd. Blue is anxiety and purple is depression which are both common. There are a few other colours for other things but they're not very common and Ryan hasn't told me much about them. Anyone with anything serious is in intensive so this is just mostly teenagers who need help and aren't an immediate risk to themselves or anyone around them. Some people have more and some people have less, a couple have all 6 but it's rare"

I look at his bands and gently lean over to run my finger along the colours. Pete seems slightly uncomfortable about it but I'm not actually touching him and I'm not doing anything that could hurt him so he seems ok with it for now.

"Eating disorder, trauma, depression and anxiety" "Yeah, I'm messed up" "At least your not suicidal" "I'm like the only one" "That's good" "It's not good, I shouldn't even belong here" "I'm fucked up and your fucked up, everyone here is fucked up so we all deserve to be here" "I'm not a danger to myself, I should leave" "There's more ways to be a danger to yourself then just wanting to jump out a window, there's a lot of ways you can hurt yourself without being violent about it"

He sits there quietly staring at his feet until I talk again "I know you don't know me and you probably don't wanna talk to me but you can if you want, I'll listen and maybe it'd help" "I don't need more people telling me I'm crazy" "I'm not gonna tell you your crazy, I have no right to tell you that honestly because I'm crazy too" "Suicide, self harm, depression" "Yeah, I thought they'd do something for paranoia too because before I do anything I get really really paranoid and it's like everyone's spying on me and judging me and they want to hurt me and get rid of me, it's pretty shitty" "They wouldn't do that unless it's serious and happens all the time" "I've never told anyone about it really either so I guess they wouldn't know"

Finally Ryan and Brendon come back and sit either side of us so I'm still next to Pete but it'd be too awkward to continue the conversation. "Watcha guys talking about" "Just stuff" "Tell me" "The coloured things on our shirts" "Oh cool, I should've told you that, oops" "Your stupid Bren" "Yeah I know, did he tell you all of them" "I think, there's 6 and they're all colours of the rainbow which is kinda stupid" "Yeah, there's minor ones for OCD, compulsive lying and other things but yeah, 6 mains and more for the intensive which you won't see. If there's someone with a black band around the arm though you should run" "Why" "They should be in intensive and they're usually violent and they're risks to others, it's happened a couple of times that they get out but it never causes much problems, people are pretty good here"

Pete's still staring at his shoes next to me and eventually looks up to meet my eyes "Intensive sucks, don't get sent there or go in there" "Why" "It's terrifying, it's so so terrifying" "Have you been in there" "Once when I came here first and once because I ran away from Ryan and ended up lost there, there was a really nice guy who helped me, he scared me too though" "Why was he in there" "I don't know, he told me how to get out and he seemed like he was really really nice but then the doctors came and took him away and they seemed scared for me and I didn't even get in trouble, I don't understand still"

Brendon and Ryan look at each other over our heads and look worried about Pete too but they don't say anything so neither do I.

"Why were you in there the first time Petey" "Please never say that again" "Sorry, I didn't wanna annoy you" "I mean the nickname, I was in there because I was crazy and I couldn't stop screaming, I screamed until I lost my voice"

Ryan puts an arm around Pete's shoulders which I really wish I could do without him freaking out "I'm sorry Pete" "It was so scary, there was so much screaming" "I know Pete, I've been down there and it's not good" "I feel sorry for everyone" "It's to protect them, we don't want them getting hurt"

He strokes Pete's black hair then helps him up "It's probably time for dinner". We follow them to the dining hall and the foods pretty much the same except this time there's a salad which I take instead because I don't wanna make Pete uncomfortable by eating a lot when he doesn't eat.

Pete gets the same after spending time picking out which one has the least amount of salad in the bowl. I feel bad about eating his food for him yesterday because he has an eating disorder so I shouldn't be eating all his food but he does have trouble with it so if he can't eat it I should help him. As long as he eats as much as he can then I'm happy and I should try to help him as much as I can.

I finish before Pete's finish cutting his food and Ryan and Brendon share a coke seeming too caught up in each other to really care too much right now. "Pete" "Mm" "Are you eating" "I can't" "Eat a little bit then I'll help you" He slowly takes a bite then pushes his plate towards me "Here" "Eat half, then I'll help you" "B-b-but I can't" "Just go slow, there's no rush" "We have group therapy in 40 minutes" "Then you have 30 minutes to eat then I'll finish whatever you need me to"

Pete looks really annoyed but he takes another slow bite, chewing slowly and works his way through most of the salad before the room starts clearing out and we have to go to the therapy. Pete leaves the plate and puts his hand on my arm "Let's go" "Can I touch you" "No, I just wanna hold your arm, there's a lot of people" "Ok, go ahead, I don't mind" "You sure? I won't if you don't want me to" "I don't mind you touching me, if it makes you feel better then go ahead"

He holds onto the top of my arm and walks along with me until we get to a new room next to the lounge with a bunch of chairs around. There's only about 15 people here so Pete whispers to me again "This is only half the people, usually it's the newest people that come here" "Are you new" "No but the therapist is the same one I've been seeing for the 2 years I've been here so I don't wanna leave, I trust her and the person who takes the other group is a guy" "Don't you like guys" "They scare me, that's why I avoid Brendon, he scares me kinda, you and Ryan are ok though so I'm trying"

There's a red haired lady at the front of the room and Pete pushes me toward her to sit next to him. The last few seats fill up and all the guides like Brendon and Ryan leave so it's just patients and the red haired therapist.


	3. Chapter 3

**Patrick's POV**

The whole thing starts off like every other therapy thing I've gone to with everyone saying their name, age and what they're here for. It's kind of useless because I'll forget most of these names before the end of the session anyway, the age isn't relevant and we can look at people's arms to get the general idea of what they're here for anyway.

By the time it gets to me I just say "Patrick, 17, I tried to kill myself" then Pete mumbles "Pete, 15, you already know". I didn't think he'd get away with not saying what he's in for but the lady just shakes her head and moves on. Maybe she's been with Pete for so long that she knows everything about him and doesn't want to make him tell everyone. It's a shame because I'd kind of like to know, he doesn't seem to like talking to me about anything and he was reluctant to even tell me what the bands meant. I'm guessing something happened to him and he got abused and ended up here but I don't like assuming things because that could hurt Pete. People do it all the time to me and I hate it so I can't do the same to Pete.

I didn't know he was so young, me and Brendon are 17 and Ryan looks like he'd be 18 or 19 so it's strange Pete's so young. I never thought about it but he does look a lot younger then us and if I'd actually thought about it maybe if have noticed he was a child.

I lean over to whisper to Pete but he shakes his head and the therapist looks over at me "Your new aren't you Patrick" "Yes ma'am" "I'm Dr Williams" "Hi" "How are you today?" "Good" "Anything more" "No, I'm just ok, Brendon's nice and Ryan and Pete are nice, it's alright here" "Wanna tell people how you got here" "Nope" "This is a supportive place" "Isn't it obvious, I cut myself" "Was it purposefully" "Yup" "Why" "Life was shit" "Tell us about it"

She's being so annoying when that's all she needs to know. I felt like shit so I wanted to die, there isn't some amazing phycological reason why I do it, I'm just alone and hate the world, that's all there is.

I sit silent until she leaves it alone "Are you and Pete friends" "Yeah kinda, I haven't known him long but he's nice" "Have you talked" "A little bit" "What about you Pete, do you like Patrick". Pete goes red and shakes his head "No, no I don't know him yet" "He said your friends though" "Yeah friends, stop talking to me, please"

She lets him tuck his legs up to his chest and bury his face in his knees as she talks to a blonde boy biting at his finger nails who seems to be even younger then Pete. I wish I could touch him but he seems to want to be alone and I know how fucking annoying it can be when people interrupt your privacy.

After a lot more questions we have to do a really awkward ice breaker activity where we talk about what we like and I have to talk about the instruments I play and what music I like. Musics pretty special to me so it's not something I wanted to share with everyone and I don't like telling people about the bands I like because they make me happy and I don't want that taken away from me.

I'm playing with the side of the chair as Dr Williams keeps asking me until Pete puts his hand over mine for a second then pulls away quickly. This works to stop her talking to me and focus on Pete again as he pulls his face away from his knees. Apparently he likes similar bands to me and he plays bass which is cool, I should ask him about that.

Before we go she asks whether people know about visiting day and whether we're bringing anyone. My parents will definitely come and they'll definitely tell me off for everything that's happened so it'll be pretty horrible. Pete shakes his head frantically at the question and his head goes back into his legs making Dr Williams sigh and pat his shoulder.

When we can leave he runs out of the room as quick as he can and when I get out I find him fiercely hugging Ryan who looks slightly worried. "Is he ok Patrick" "She asked about visiting day and he got upset" "Oh right" Ryan hugs him back and gently taps the green stripe on Pete's shirt when I look at him confused. Oh right the abuse and trauma one, that's probably not good, I really hope people don't come to see him and make him upset, he seems like he might be alright here.

Pete goes back to his room with Ryan so I go to mine and let Brendon leave as I continue on my book. It's a really good one called Divergent and I know it's considered a teenage girls book but I like it and there's no one here to judge me on what I read.

When the door opens I don't look up because it's probably Brendon but then a cup is in front of me and Pete's looking down at me. "Hi" "Hey Pete" "We usually have supper and you weren't there so I got Brendon to get one for you so I could bring it" "That's so nice" "I thought it'd be nice for you" "Thank you"

He hands me the cup of warm hot chocolate and a paper towel with cookies in it as he sips his own "It's actually really nice, it's not like the gross watery stuff they used to make" "You've been here since you were 13" "Yeah, I've tried all the brands of hot chocolate they've ever made".

The cookies slightly over cooked and burnt on the edges but they're pretty good and the hot chocolates amazing so I'm glad Pete's so nice and got me some. "Where's your room" "Down the hall" "Where though" "It's 2 down" "Are we ever allowed to decorate or anything" "Not usually but I am" "Why" "I've been here 2 years and I'm not a threat to myself or anything so I can have posters, I'm never desperate enough to try to use posters or bluetack to hurt myself" "You don't hurt yourself" "No so they know I can have it, they just have to be careful which ones I get" "They control your posters?" "Yeah, just like what books I read because they don't want to upset me or something. I like the hunger games by the way" "There's two more in the series when your done" "I'll read them, I like it"

He puts his hand on my upper arm again, rubbing slowly as he sips "Are you ok with drinking" "Yes, I drink a lot, in summer I always carry a water bottle because I drink so much, it helps with hunger" "Does it prevent your eating or help it" "Apparently it reduces hunger and makes it feel better if I eat minimally and gets me used to having something in my stomach" "After 2 years you still do it" "Yeah, I'm not easy to fix" "So I can't touch you right" "No, please don't" "Not in any way?" "No" "Why do you touch me then" "I did it with Ryan when I met him, it makes me feel better knowing that your ok with me touching you but you respect me enough not to touch me. Dr Williams suggested it and it's worked, it's so that when I am ok with you touching me I know you'll respect boundaries"

Pete's hand keeps rubbing and slowly slides down to rest over my hand on the bed. If I wasn't focused on his touch I'd probably hold his hand but I let him slide his hand over mine then up again to the bandages. His pale fingers slide over them and he shakes his head "Your too pretty for these". Immediately he pulls away like I burned him and backs away "N-n-no I'm sorry, I'm sorry" "For what" "Being stupid" "What, because you said I'm too pretty for scars? That's nice Pete, don't be scared of me. Your too beautiful to ever have been caused pain, you don't deserve whatever's happened to you"

He calms his breathing then comes back to put a hand on my arm. He avoids the scars now, probably trying not to say anything else that would make him feel embarrassed but he shouldn't mind it. A beautiful boy thinking I'm pretty would never be an insult, it's nice for someone not to constantly ask or say things about it. If someone else said it it'd feel fake but when Pete says it it feels nice, he actually means it because he knows that saying happy bullshit to a depressed kid doesn't work, it just makes them feel worse.

Ryan and Brendon are talking outside the door, probably thinking we can't hear them flirting outrageously, so I go to sit cross legged by the door to listen. Pete joins me with a giggle and we listen until he finishes with his drink and the door opens, knocking me sideways because I'm not quick enough to get out of the way like Pete was. They all laugh at me sprawled on the floor ridiculously then Pete has to go back to his own room for the night.


	4. Chapter 4

**Patrick's POV**

Most of the week goes mostly the same everyday which is nice because it's easy to fall into routine when everyday is structured out for us. It starts with breakfast at 8 then quiet time for people to either do school work if they want to keep up with their schooling or read if they've been pulled out or just don't want to. At 12 it's lunch which is decidedly better then breakfast when all we get is cereal, then more free time when some people have private one on one therapy then dinner. After that there's group therapy which we have to attend everyday even though some days it's hours long and some days it's only 10 minutes to check up on us. Then there's more time, then supper then mandatory time in our room by ourselves or with our guide.

It's not the most exciting thing ever but it's a nice sense of safety and routine that I've never really had before. There's always a menu and we have 7 different options for food, one on everyday of the week which makes me happy because I know every Monday we'll have one food and Tuesday we'll have another and etc. At home we never had that so it always depended on who was cooking or how my mother was feeling and when people got home and it was never sure. It was so stressful a lot of the time to not have a routine and I know maybe that's not healthy because nothing is certain but it's easy for simple things to be the same. If simple things are the same it's easier to deal with bigger things if they change because you have foundations that will always be the same.

Everyday I eat all my meals with Pete, Ryan and Brendon and Pete slowly starts talking more and I start learning little things about him everyday that interest me. One day he'll say something about having a brother then he'll say the brothers name then he'll mention something else and it's like a puzzle except much more fun because it involves a cute guy.

My one on one therapy is today, Sunday so I've almost been here a full week and already I don't mind it here. The constant surveillance is annoying, the boredom from free time sucks, the food isn't always great and the therapy can sometimes be so annoying and repetitive that I want to strangle Dr Williams but overall it's not too bad. I have 3 people I can comfortably call friends, a comfortable home, people who care, even if it's because they get paid to care and I have a nice routine.

It's easy to forget the urge to self harm when I'm away from assholes at school and away from my parents constantly mocking me and being horrible to me. Maybe staying here until I can get my own home wouldn't be too bad, it's so much better then home. Who knew a mental hospital would feel better then my own home and family ever did.

When it gets time for my therapy I go to Dr Williams office and edit outside with Brendon and Ryan who's waiting for Pete to come out of his session before me.

After a while of waiting Brendon and Ryan go back to whispering and trying to secretly hold hands even though I totally see them doing it.

There's a scream from the office making everyone jump away and I run over to knock on the door to see if Pete's ok. There's no answer until a man opens the door and shakes his head "Dr Williams will be there in a second" "What about Pete is he ok" "That's none of your business, his guide can go see him though"

Ryan pushes past me and the guy leaves the room to walk past us down the hall, not closing the door so we can see Pete on the floor sobbing and Dr Williams and Ryan knelt by him trying to calm him down. I don't know what happened but it sucks that Pete's so sad so I try to send positive vibes his way to make him happier. Maybe it works because he looks up at me and stretches out a hand towards me. I just got told off for caring about Pete too much but he wants me so I go over and squat down next to him so he can grab onto my upper arm with one hand and hold Ryan's hand with the other.

After a couple of minutes of just holding us he stands up and wraps his arms around Ryan's waist "Can we just go to my room" "Of course". They leave and Brendon stays outside the door on his phone and gives me a thumbs up as Dr Williams closes the door.

"Are you and Pete becoming good friends?" "Yeah I guess so, he's cool" "Are you more then friends" "How do you mean" "Are you having a relationship" "We're just friends" "But you do know he's homosexual" "Yeah he said he's gay" "What about you" "I'm gay" "It would be a good idea, Pete needs someone to trust" "He can still trust me when we're friends, he has Ryan as well and he doesn't need to date me" "But it would help him" "He's so young and he's been hurt a lot, I don't want to hurt him again, he's not ready for a relationship" "It's not that much of an age gap" "I'm happy being his friend, maybe if the feelings develop I will be willing to date him but telling me to do it won't make me do it. He doesn't deserve someone to be forced to love him, he deserves to be properly loved"

She nods and goes back to her desk so I can sit in the chair in front of her "How are you today" "Still good, just like yesterday" "You always say that, your parents said you've been self harming everyday for years" "I have, I feel safe here though" "Why" "No school, no bullies, no parents, no bullying and people being shitty, I have friends unlike everywhere else"

She studies me for a while then nods "Would you do it if you had the chance" "Cut myself" "Yes, if someone gave you a knife or scissors would you hurt yourself" "We get knives at meals, it's fine" "But if you were alone in your room with a knife would you hurt yourself" "Not for no reason, people are so nice, I don't have a reason for it" "Good, I don't have a lot of time at the moment because me and Pete's session went on a while so I'll see you next week to go more in depth" "Ok, what happened with Pete, just before I go" "You know why he's here?" "Someone hurt him?" "Yes, vaguely. Dr Way came in to talk to me and touched Pete, you saw how it went" "Oh, a random guy touched him and he freaked out" "Yes, let Pete tell you though, I want the friendship to develop" "I'll try, see you later Dr Williams"

I leave and after standing at the door of his room for a while I knock and wait for Ryan to answer Pete's door. "Oh hey Patrick" "Hey, is Patrick ok" "Yeah he is, Brendon's here if that's what you were looking for" "Yeah I thought he was here, I wanted to make sure Pete's ok as well though"

There's half a face peaking around Ryan's side for a second then Pete grabs my arm and yanks me inside his room. Ryan shuts the door and let's Pete sit down on his bed and I sit next to him. Ryan's eyes go wide but Pete just grabs my arm again and leans his cheek against it. I'm not sure why he's doing this or why he's rubbing his face on my arm but it's obvious how young he is because his face is clear and soft and his long eyelashes flutter nervously against my arm.

"Pete are you ok" Ryan whispers and Pete nods against my arm "Yeah Ryro I'm fine" "You let him on your bed, you never let anyone with you on your bed" "He's fine, I want to trust him" "You don't even let me on your bed very much" "Because there's no reason for you to be unless I'm upset and need you, I want Patrick here though, I trust him"

His face nuzzles my arm again and slowly relaxes against it using me as a pillow. It's the cutest thing and he's so small when he curls up against me that I kinda love it, I love it a lot. Without thinking I let my hand lower and fall against his clothed thigh but Pete springs away and looks at me in terror "Don't, please don't" "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I thought because you touched me and curled against me you'd be ok" "No, no don't touch me there" "I won't, I promise I won't"

I get up off his bed and back away so he'll calm down with me and Brendon, who's on a beanbag, far away from him. From the way he reacts I'm guessing he got sexually abused because he probably wouldn't be so terrified if I hadn't touched him there. Maybe his knee would have been ok or his arm but his thigh isn't and I shouldn't just forget about his fears like that. He only touches me to learn to trust me and because he wants to make sure I'm ok with him and his boundaries and I broke his boundaries so that'd hurt us.

"I'm sorry Petey, I didn't mean to" "Don't call me that" Tears slowly start falling down his face as he looks at me standing against the door as far away from him as I can get and I feel so shit. He's told me before not to touch him and I did, he's told me he doesn't like that name and I said it again, I need to start remembering his boundaries and respecting them. I want to be his friend and try to get in a relationship with him in the future when he trusts me and I can never do that if I keep breaking his trust so easily.

Ryan hugs him tight and let's him calm down and relax in his arms then looks at me and Brendon "We'll see you guys later ok". It's a very obvious way to tell us to piss off so I link my arm through Brendon's and we leave to go back to my room. Pete's has a small window high up by the ceiling which lets light in but mine doesn't, obviously suicidal kids don't get windows because it's totally unsafe.

Brendon stays with me for a few minutes then leaves, probably to go see if Ryan wants to leave and go on a date with him or something. I'm left alone staring at the ceiling because I'm too lazy to find my book and wondering if Pete's allowed to come see me without Ryan. Probably not because we're only supposed to go around with our guides or a therapist, they don't trust us in our rooms or going around the hospital with each other because then we could be a danger I guess.


	5. Chapter 5

**Patrick's POV**

Pete ignores me for the rest of the day and we don't have group therapy today so when he doesn't turn up at dinner I can't talk to him and apologise for upsetting him. I don't see Ryan or Brendon either so I'm all alone for the first time since I got here and it's starting to feel just like high school.

Before I can get too sad about being so alone a couple of boys and a girl slide into the seats next to me "Hi I'm Vic" "I'm Jaime" "I'm Tay" "Hey guys, I'm Patrick. They seem nice and they all have red, orange and purple bands on their arms and Tay and Jaime have blue ones. I never really thought about it when I met Pete and he had completely different colours from me but it's nice that they're similar to me, maybe they'll be easier to talk to and get along with. They'll probably never be like Pete has become for me but they seem like nice people to be friends with.

They talk easily and I get into it and I'm actually kind of sad to have to leave and go to my room. Pete doesn't bring me hot chocolate like every other day and I don't want to go in there and get it myself because that'd be so awkward and it wouldn't feel right without Pete here to drink with me as Brendon and Ryan flirt outside.

I can't sleep again and I spend most of the night rolling around and trying to get comfy until about 3am I give up and just lie thinking about Pete. I know I shouldn't but I just think about Pete and how nice it would be to touch him and hug him and run my fingers through his hair and kiss his beautiful lips. He'd hate me if he knew I couldn't stop thinking about breaking his rules and touching him but I do want it so badly. I want him to let me touch him and I want him to want me to do it and for him to enjoy it.

I've always been asexual and I've known for a while that despite liking guys I don't like the idea of sex with guys. Maybe Pete's different though, if he asked me to have sex with him I wouldn't even think before saying yes. I'd let him do anything he wanted to me and I'd probably end up fucking loving it because Pete touching me could never be bad. I'm basically disgusting as I lie here dreaming about having sex with Pete while he's in his room only 10 meters away from me possibly hating me. He won't even let me touch him without freaking out and hating me, I'm utterly stupid if I believe he'd ever have sex with me. He's been hurt before so he'd never let a guy he met a week ago have sex with him and let him into his body like that.

By the time it gets to 8am I'm tired as hell and I need sleep but I've laid there for 10 hours trying and I can't so I just get up and put on my clothes to wait for Brendon. He turns up the same time as always and the whole morning goes the same as always except I sit with Tay, Jaime and Vic again because Pete never turns up.

Brendon doesn't really say anything about Pete or what happened yesterday when he never came back for me so I just don't ask. For once he doesn't even talk about Ryan so we're left in awkward silence for most of the morning. After lunch he leaves me in my room as soon as possible and walks out but doesn't come back for dinner so I have to go to that by myself then go to group therapy alone. Pete isn't there and it's lonely sitting here by myself, Vic, Jaime and Tay are in the other group which sucks.

Pete slips in just before we start making me sit straight up as he sits next to me, not looking at me but that's fine. He's here and maybe I can apologise after and make him not hate me so much. He hasn't been at any meals and it's worrying because he does need to eat and even if it's less then he should at least he's eating and he's not starving himself. I don't know if he throws up afterwards but I guess only Ryan would know, he doesn't seem to but who knows, I really hope he doesn't.

The group goes the same as always and me and Pete end up being the last two in our chairs afterwards because he doesn't move and I don't either.

"Patrick" "Yeah Pete" "I'm sorry" "For what" "Being mean and ignoring you" "That's ok, you told me not to call you that nickname and not touch me but I forgot and did it anyway" "But your my friend, nicknames and touching should happen" "But they don't have to, it's ok if you don't trust me" "But you want me to" "Yeah so I'm willing to be here as long as you want me to be and wait as long as it takes for you to get to know me and trust me enough to know I would never hurt you"

Without looking me in the eye Pete grabs my hand and links our fingers together. I don't know if this is him letting me touch him or if he's doing his touching game where he helps himself learn to trust me but either way it's nice. I curl my fingers around his and squeeze gently to let him know I'm ok with it as he runs his thumb along my knuckles, gently stroking everywhere he can reach.

Dr Williams looks at us with a soft smile that makes Pete blush as we stand as walk out to where Ryan's waiting and Brendon's suddenly appeared after disappearing all afternoon. They don't notice us at first so Pete puts his other hand over our linked hands and continues exploring all the skin on my hand. Maybe this is how he does it, he just gets used to one thing at a time until he's comfortable with a person. He started by clinging to my arm and holding onto that and now he's doing it to my hand so I guess maybe he'll move on after a little bit and find somewhere else to get used to. It's really sweet actually, it's such a cute way to get used to someone and for him to accept the touch when he's already felt their hands and all of them.

When Ryan does notice us he smiles and wraps an arm around Brendon's waist as he turns around too. "So you guys are dating or what?" "No not dating, just holding hands" "So you can touch him?" "No not yet, just his hand I think, it's nice though, I certainly wouldn't mind doing it again"

Pete smiles up at me and leans against my shoulder which works because his head falls comfortably in my shoulder for him to lie there. The top of his head brushes the bottom of mine which is pretty nice because I can gently lean my head against his and tuck his head under my chin.

I'm trying really hard not to freak out but there's a cute guy cuddled against my shoulder holding my hand and I'm one of the only people he'd allow to do this. How can I not be excited when the cutest guy I've ever met wants to cuddle with me even if it's in front of our friends and our therapist who's probably watching from the room.

We spend time playing some more board games before supper which is fun because I have Pete back again and he spends the whole time holding my hand and exploring my arm and shoulder with his finger tips.

When we finally have to leave and go back to our separate rooms he hugs my arm, as much as I wish we could properly hug and I could hold him. I don't really wanna leave and if we do have to I would want to sneak into his room at night to properly have a conversation when Ryan and Brendon aren't sitting right there listening. I know I shouldn't break the rules though when I'm still so new, plus turning up in a guys bedroom in the dark is very stalkerish. He's getting better with me and he's ok with touching a bit but I doubt he'd react well if I just turn up.

Without Ryan or Brendon anywhere near and when we're totally alone in the dark Pete would get scared easily, I would too honestly if he was the one coming into my room. I'd love it if he did come in and spend some time at night with me but I doubt he'd have the confidence to and I doubt he'd want to. I don't know how well he sleeps or whether he's scared if the dark or if he likes breaking rules or not. I'd like to get to know these things though and they're just little things that would be so fun to learn about Pete.


	6. Chapter 6

**Patrick's POV**

When there's a bump in my room in the middle of the night I'm instantly awake and back against the wall ready to run. Having a random noise in your room in the middle of the night in a mental hospital isn't a very nice feeling because I really have no idea what it is and who could be there in my room while I'm here blind and vulnerable and half asleep still.

"Who's there, g-go away" "It's me, it's Pete, I'm sorry, I didn't think this through very well, I just couldn't sleep and I wanted you, I'll leave". He bumps into someone else and I hear him squeak and fall over as a bunch of my books fall to the ground.

I get out of bed and wrap the blanket around my shoulders for warmth as I go over to help stack the books again then take his hand to help him back to my bed. He sits next to me and hugs my pillow as he holds my hand and I get another blanket to throw across both our shoulders while I'm still wearing the one from my bed. It's an excuse to get closer to him so our knees brush as we sit cross legged and he's clinging to my hand and my pillow. With the way he's hugging my pillow and snuffling against it it'll probably be warm and smell like Pete for the rest of the night which will be so nice. That sounds more stalkery then ever but it will be nice because it's the closest thing I can get to cuddling with Pete and cuddling with Pete seems like the most perfect thing.

I was literally thinking a few hours ago about wanting to go to Pete's room and now he's here with me which is so nice, I guess neither of us wanted to leave the other.

"Pete are you scared of the dark" "Yes, it's so scary and there was no one in the corridor so I was terrified, I didn't know if someone would find me and tell me off or if I'd get attacked" "There's no one here to attack you, your safe, I promise your safe" "But it's so dark" "That's fine, your safe with me" "Please don't touch me if I say no, please keep the rules, I still can't totally let you touch me" "That's fine, just let me hold your hand at least or you can hold onto me" "Yeah, I feel safer with you, I shouldn't but your safer then the dark" "I am safe" "But the dark can't do anything, it's just a lack of sunlight, you could do something" "Only if that something is care about you and hold you hand, I'll always always try to respect what you want, if you tell me no I'll stop"

His head slowly falls against my arm and his hand stops clinging to me and just sits peacefully in mine. "Can we talk?" "Isn't that why you came" "Yeah" "What do you wanna talk about" "Why are you here" "I tried to kill myself" "I'm not a therapist, I'm not going to tell people, you can tell me more then that" "My parents treated me like shit then I get bullied so it felt like shit. It was Valentine's Day in a couple of weeks and the whole school was excited and I got asked out by a guy I really like and I got excited but it was a prank. Everyone just laughed at me and it felt shit then I went home and all my parents did was make fun of me because I looked like I was crying so yeah, I slit my wrists"

I really thought Pete would tell me all that bullshit about how bullies are just facing their own problems and how I should ignore it and how I need to be nice and be a better person then them but he doesn't.

"That's lame, I'm glad I never got to go to high school, it seems so destructive" "It is" "They're all idiots and I hope they all end up working at McDonalds while you rule the world" "I should be president so I can cruise over to them and show now much they fucked up" "Can I be your First Lady if your president?" "Of course, that'd be the best"

It's pretty funny that instead of comforting me normally he's just planning my presidency and how I can kick all their asses with how successful I'll become. This is way better because he understands that I don't need to be told that they have problems because I don't care. I have problems that are way worse then theirs but I've never bullied, they're just sadistic assholes who get off on watching people suffer, I hope someone else makes them feel the pain they've given everyone else.

I tell Pete this and he nods "Yeah I've been here a while, I've gotten all the therapist crap possible from every therapist possible so I know when somethings crap. I'm used to the bad stuff so I'm alright at not saying stupid stuff to people by now" "That's good, a lot of it's good but sometimes it's really hard to believe that I should care about what bullies problems are, they're assholes, what more do I need to know" "We're never going to all join hands and love each other so what's the point in trying, it's better to focus on avoiding assholes until we can rub their noses in our money and success"

"What are you going to be then, I'm president and your my First Lady, is there anything else your planning on" "I was thinking I'd start some amazing company but I'm too lazy and stupid for that" "I think you should, you'd be great at that" "I'm not bossy enough" "You'd be the best boss ever, you'd bankrupt yourself in a week though because you keep giving people raises" "I'm too nice" "I'll be your bossy assistant who manages the money" "With a little skirt and tie?" "If that's what you want me to do Mr Boss Man then that's what I'll do"

We spend a while just sitting on my bed with our hands linked and Pete's head on my shoulder brainstorming all the ways we can take over the world to become rich, famous and successful. I really hope one of these works out because despite me ending up as Pete's bossy assistant or wife in a miniskirt in most of these fantasies it sounds so much fun. To be rich and happy and change the world with Pete would be the best and being Pete's wife wouldn't be a bad thing. I'd wear as many slutty miniskirts as he could ever want if it means I could spend the rest of my life with that adorable boy. Plus I'd love to see my parents face if I came home in a fancy car wearing a short skirt with a husband, it'd be hilarious.

"We should try sleeping again, I can walk you to your room if you want" "Yeah definitely, I don't want you to get in trouble though" "It's fine, we'll be quick, plus if anyone sees me I can just pretend I was hearing noises and got scared so I went to your room to tell you but I didn't know we weren't supposed to" "Your a good lier" "I've attempted suicide 9 times and been self harming since I was 12, I've gotten good at getting out of things and not letting people know anything about me, lying isn't so hard" "9 times, you said it was 3" "I got caught and sent to hospital 3 times, I failed other times though" "That fucking sucks, your parents don't even notice your suicide attempt" "Fuck yeah it sucks"

I walk him to his door and let him use the light from the corridor to get into bed and snuggle up before I save goodnight and go back to my own room. No one catches me so when I lie down I face the wall towards where Pete is and wonder if he's doing the same. If only we had next door rooms, then I could try whispering through a crack in the wall and see if he heard me, then maybe one day I could whisper love notes through the wall to him. Yeah right, he probably wouldn't date me unless I do end up being his wife in a miniskirt and he ends up my sugar daddy, he'd be the cutest sugar daddy


	7. Chapter 7

**Patrick's POV**

Pete struggles through half a bowl of cereal at breakfast the next day which I'm pretty proud of. His eating isn't great but it's getting so much better and I'm so proud of him, he's trying and trying to let people help him and that's better then nothing.

He seems to slightly deteriorate before lunch and it's only when Brendon tells me it's visiting day that I realise. I'm guessing his parents either don't like that he's gay, are assholes like mine or are the ones that abused him. I hope it's nothing and he's just feeling a little off but I doubt it, most of the time coincidences like that don't just happen.

"Pete are you ok" "Yeah" "You sure" "Yeah" "I'll be here if you need me" "You'll be with your parents" "Yeah while they treat me like shit and tell me how much of a failure I am, if you need me please come over because I'll need someone to save me pretty quickly" "I will" "If I look over to you and look like a wild cat about to get tranquillised please come, it probably means I'm doing to either cry, scream or kill someone, possibly myself" "Please don't, I wanna be your First Lady" "I want you to be my First Lady so get ready to save me"

As always his hand is on my arm and he's cuddling against it making it kind of hard to play go fish with Ryan but I'm useless at the game anyway so I doubt he can make it much worse then it already is. Visiting is right after lunch so I almost have to feed Pete like a child until he eats. He refuses much food until I slip over to hold his hand and spoon feed him the mashed potato until it's all finished. Pete actually asks for more so I feed him some from my plate before finishing my own meal and following everyone else to the lounge. There's lots of family members and I see Tay run into the arms of what looks like a twin sister and Vic with two Mexican parents and it's nice seeing families that aren't totally disfunctional despite their kid ending up here.

My parents are at the opposite side of the room so I say goodbye to Pete and remind him of his promise to save me if I desperately need it then head over. As I thought my mother ignores me to keep typing on her iPhone and my father looks at me disapprovingly. "You idiot, what are you doing to yourself, haven't your mother and I given you everything" "I-" "Don't talk back when I'm talking to you"

That's basically the way of the entire conversation. They verbally abuse me and every time I try to defend myself they tell me to stop being so rude and respect them. How am I supposed to respect people who have been treating me like shit for years and are the entire reason I have depression and these scars. Most of these scars would never be in my body if they weren't such assholes and if they'd take a singe second to look at their kid and notice that I'm actually hurting. For as long as I can remember they haven't even hugged me or told me I did good or given me a single word of praise, how am I supposed to love them when all they give me is hate.

After a few rounds of them scolding me we end up in silence until my mother gets off her phone to talk "Who was that boy" "What boy" "The one you came in with" "That was my friend Pete" "You have a friend, who would ever want to be your friend" "He does, he's a really nice guy" "He looks 10" "He's 15 and it's none of your business" "Don't make friends with such disgusting faggots" "I'm a faggot remember" "Exactly, you need proper friends to cure you" "You can't cure me, it's who I am"

I want Pete more then ever now but I can't let him come over and listen to their abuse, I'm guessing he's already heard way too much in his life so he really doesn't need to be told he's disgusting and should go to hell. For a while I just let them rant at me and tell me how stupid and disgusting I am and how much of an embarrassment to am until they get to school and I start listening.

Apparently they had to tell the principal and teachers about me ending up here who must have told some of the kids who told their parents who talked to my parents about it. Now suddenly the fact that I'm depressed and wanted to die is all my fault because I've totally embarrassed them, not that they care about the fact I have scars and I hate myself, they just care that I'm ruining their reputation. 

I'm so sick of them by now that when they go off on a rant about how much of a faggot I am I'm just totally done. They can't just treat me like shit after they've done it for so long and now I'm in a place where I've finally found a little bit of happiness and they're still doing it so I'm done with their bullshit.

"Shut the fuck up" "Excuse me, don't talk to me and your mother like that" "You always talk to me like that and I'm done with this. I was actually kind of happy here and I made friends and I have people who care about me and now your coming here and being assholes and ruining it. Get out of my life if all you want to do is treat me like a piece of shit because your the reason I've tried to kill myself 9 fucking times"

People around us are staring to stare so I just storm off to Pete who's still hiding in the corner because I guess people haven't come to visit him yet. I wish I could just hug him tight and never let go but I still need to respect him no matter how upset I am so when he grabs onto my arm and tucks his head into my shoulder I lean my head down on his. His soft fingers rub along the exposed skin between the bottom of my sleeves and the top of my bandages and it's nice he can comfort me like this. We're not up to hugging yet so this is his way of comforting me and making me feel good and I'd much rather have him doing this then have anyone else in the world hugging me. It's been a week and he's already my best friend and I do really like him, if only I could have met him a long time ago then maybe neither of us would be in this situation.

After a while of him just comforting me I see my parents leave and I can finally breathe happy that they're gone until the next visiting day when they'll hopefully learn I don't want them here.

After a lot of parents have started walking around the place with their kids or going out in the garden that's out of bounds at any of time when a new couple comes in. Pete immediately tenses up and holds my arm tighter as they walk over to us.

"Hi Petey" The woman says softly as Pete whimpers and shoves his face against my arm. The woman seems worried about him and confused about why he's rubbing his face against me but I'm pretty used to it so I grab onto his hand and link our fingers like he's been doing all the time for the last few days.

"Are you ok Pete" I whisper in his ear and he nods and leans up to whisper back "That's my mum and I don't know the guy with her" "Do you wanna talk to her" "Of course but he scares me" "I'll be here if you want" "Yeah, please just stay here with me" "I will, no one will hurt you"

He turns back to his mother and lies his head back on my shoulder "Hi mummy" "Hey Petey". He sounds so young when he calls his mother mummy but he tenses when she calls him Petey just like he does whenever I call him it.

"I didn't think you'd come" "Of course I came, I'd never leave you, I just have to pick up Adam before I came". The guy behind her smiles and waves at Pete as he stares at him in terror. He seems ok with his mother so I don't know if this is the guy that hurt him or if it's someone he doesn't know but the guys scaring him so I hold him hand tighter.

"Who's he" "My new boyfriend darling" "I didn't know" "I haven't seen you in so long after I couldn't come the last 2 visiting days so I haven't had a chance to tell you about him, we've dated a couple of months". Pete still looks nervous but when Adam reaches out his hand Pete lets go of my arm to shake his hand quickly them grabs back onto me.

It's slightly awkward intruding on Pete's family reunion so I whisper to him that I'm going to leave and to come find me when he's done. He nods and gently kisses my knuckles in our joint hands so I do the same to his hand then let him go off with his family as I go to my room.

He doesn't come back before dinner and at dinner he's sitting with his mum and her boyfriend, hugging his mum tight so I go find Tay, Jaime and Vic. Before I can Pete runs over and grabs my arm "Come sit with us" "I shouldn't interrupt your family" "I feel safe eating around you, I don't wanna eat without you" "I'll come then"

I follow him over and slip into the seat next to him where his mother greets me happily. Pete hasn't eaten anything at all off his plate and it looks like all he's done is push it around and cut it into tiny pieces so I start eating and so does he slowly. When I finish Pete stops as well and plays with the rest of the food until I take his fork off him and feed him again. It worked at lunch and it doesn't seem like he's too embarrassed about me doing it in front of his mother so I help him finish the rest then he grabs onto my hand.

"How are you Pete" "Really really good" "That's good" "Can we adopt you because I heard you with your parents and I'm sorry" "If you wanna then sure but you don't want me" "I do" "You wanna be my brother" "Well um, it wouldn't technically be brothers" "What do you wanna be then"

He's blushing bright red and his hand slips out of mine which makes me regret saying that. "Sorry Pete" "Don't mock me" "I'm not" "I'm gay, I thought you respected that, it's not a joke" "So am I, I'm not mocking you" "Then why did you say that" "I was trying to get you to say whether you liked me or not, I'm sorry"

He's blushing even more red now so I slip my hand back in his "I won't do it again, I'm sorry" "I do like you, in both ways" "Same here".

We sit happily until his mother says they need to leave and she gives Pete a tight hug then her boyfriend shakes his hand again. Pete seems really really happy as we go back to our rooms and I'm glad, he deserve to have the happiest life possible because he's a sweetheart. Anyone who offers to adopt a suicidal teenager simply because they see that their family sucks, must be the hope of humanity honestly. He's such a sweetheart.


	8. Chapter 8

**Patrick's POV**

I get called up to another therapy session the next day which is pretty weird because everything's going alright at the moment. Even though I lay awake most of the night wanting to hurt myself after what happened with my parents, I didn't do it and I'm not doing too badly. Today is the worst day for my depression since I got here but it's still better then I've felt for years when I was living with my parents and going to high school. Pete's in Dr Williams office when I get there so I sit in the chair next to him and he puts his hand on my arm.

"Ok so Pete wants to try something and we want to know if your ok with it" "Yeah I'm ok with whatever he wants" "You don't want to know what it is?" "No I trust him, he won't do anything bad"

They both stand so I follow them and stand facing Pete in the middle of the room. "Ok Patrick, Pete just wants to do a touching exercise, do you mind him touching you" "Anywhere above the waist is fine" "Ok, go ahead Pete"

Pete starts by running his hands up my arms and under my sleeves up to my shoulders and over the bandages for my scars. I ripped them all off last night while thinking about self harming so Brendon had to redo them again, he usually does it before he leaves at night but he had to do it this morning too today.

Slowly Pete's hands run up to feel all the skin exposed on my neck by my shirt then to my face. He maps out every inch of my face like a blind person might then runs his hands through my hair. When he's finished with my arms and face he grabs both my hands to stop me touching him and leans his head against my chest. I'm really fighting a boner here because I shouldn't be turned on by this but I am, a cute guys feeling me up so how can I not get a little turned on by it.

"Patrick would you mind taking your shirt off" "Why" "Because it'd be easier if he felt your skin not your shirt". I know I'm not really any kind of physical beauty and I've got a couple of scars on my chest and a giant scar down my side from when my aunts dog attacked me when I was a kid. I'm not beautiful or anything but if it'll help me get to touch Pete and make him trust me he can see me, I'm pretty fucked up so it'll make him feel better since he's nowhere near as fucked as me.

I pull it over my head and let him rub down my chest and over the scars. "What happened" "Dog attack" "Oh, are you ok" "It was ages ago" "Good, your ok now". He rests his head against my bare chest and his fingers explore down to the light hair on my stomach then to the waistband of my pants.

I should feel awkward for a guy who is rather obviously not interested in a relationship with me to be rubbing my chest and hooking his fingers under my pants but I don't care. I've waited a week just to be able to hug him and properly show him that he deserves to be so so happy so any touch I'll take. As long as my boxers stay on and his hands don't touch anywhere there I'm pretty much fine with whatever he wants to give me.

"Can I touch you darling" "Yeah, just start" "I don't want to do this touching thing with you, just let me hold you ok and when you don't want me doing something say something and I'll stop" "Ok"

As he keeps his hands on my lower stomach and his face against my chest I take my hands down to smooth his hair then rest on his shoulders. It's not a huge thing but touching him is nice and Pete's back is warm through his shirt so I run along his back, never going any lower then half away. When he pulls away and puts his arms around my neck I put mine around his waist, keeping them high so he doesn't get uncomfortable and just hug him. We stand there hugging for a long time until he finally pulls away but stays close in my arms "Thank you for waiting and helping me and being so careful of how your touching me" "I'm guessing your rules are nothing below the waist too" "Yeah, nothing below the waist ever" "Ok, I won't, I promise I won't"

When Dr Williams next patient comes to the door she makes us break away from each other for me to put my shirt on and we leave happily holding hands. I really thought people would be more unhappy about two patients being together like this because if something goes wrong then we're both risks to ourselves. We're not dating yet and we might not ever date but this is still becoming a close friendship so we really need to make this work.

Maybe Dr Williams has just known Pete so long that she knows this is best, I'd think that a relationship isn't good after he's been hurt by a man before but she's the professional. Maybe this could help him get comfortable because I'd never hurt him and he can learn to trust people and know that they won't hurt him.

I still don't know what's happened to him apart from that a man's abused him and he's still struggling with it but it's been 2 years so he needs to move on a little. He never will totally but if he knows that not everyone is like that man that hurt him then he'll be happier and I can keep him safe, his mothers boyfriend seems nice too so I hope everything in Pete's life works out for him.

"Pete please tell me more about you" "About what" "Why your here" "I'm not ready" "I know but it's hard to help you when I have no clue what's happened and what will trigger you" "Calling me Petey, little boy and any bad words will set me off, touching me below the waist, hanging onto me, telling me anything about my appearance, talking about my weight, telling me I eat too much, holding my hair, biting me, forcing me to do something, forcing me to stay somewhere and a few things more possibly"

I didn't know so many things hurt him and it's kind of confusing to know the things I can't do. A lot are about his eating disorder, nicknames, touching him and his appearance so it's easier for those. If I be gentle and don't touch anywhere it's fine, if I call him things other people have said and don't talk too much about his disorders then he should be fine.

"Why do those hurt you" "Why do you think" "Someone hurt you" "Yeah, he did all that so I don't want anyone else to" "When your ready you can talk to me about it if you want, I want to help you" "I don't like telling people, only the doctors and Ryan know and I've never told them everything" "If you want to trust me you can but otherwise it's fine, I'll try to support you with what I know" "What do you know" "That someone abused you, possibly sexually and physically and they hurt you a lot and now your here because it's fucked you up" "It's the reason I need all these lines in my shirt, I would've had none of them before" "I'm sorry sweetheart, can I call you that" "Yes, my mother says that some times and occasionally Ryan" "Ok" "Any nicknames except the ones I told you are fine" "Ok, that's good"

We're back at my room now and I don't really want to leave so I just smile "I'll come to you at night ok" "Yeah that's good, I get scared in the dark and I don't like walking to yours" "I'm fine with it so I'll come to you" "Ok bye Patty" "Bye sweetheart"

He hugs me tight then runs down to his room and I go in to my room where Brendon and Ryan are making out furiously on my bed and I get a good look at Brendon's hands down Ryan's pants. They break apart when I scream and Ryan does the button on his pants back up as Brendon finds his shirt to put back on. Pete will be so excited when I tell him, they both totally liked each other and I kind of knew this was happening so I'm really excited now. Of course it would be nice if they wouldn't make out and give each other handjobs on my bed where I have to sleep every night but it's still cute.

Ryan runs out to find Pete and leaves Brendon here with a hard on and a lot of questions to answer about how long they've been doing this on my bed while I'm not here.


	9. Chapter 9

**Patrick's POV**

Most of the next few weeks are boring but in a good way. There's nothing terribly exciting happening but there's just a happy boredom that I can spend reading and with Ryan, Brendon and Pete. Every night I go Pete's room where we sit on his bed under a cover with Pete's arms around my waist and mine on his shoulder as we talk. I'm still getting to know him slowly and he's never happy about having to tell me things straight up so I continue my game of puzzling together Pete. Little facts I learn everyday about him and little things we do for each other have started to make him into less of a beautiful damaged boy that I want to love and fix and more into a beautiful damaged boy who I do love and I am helping to fix.

I've also worked out a system with Brendon so that I can have hot showers every night. After 2 weeks of icy showers because I didn't know the way it was done I've learnt to run from therapy straight to the bathroom where Brendon's waiting with towels and clothes for me so I can be one of the first in. Each shower only has a certain amount of hot water and I always have short showers so I like for those few minutes to be warm so I can leave cold showers for the people who think 30 minutes is an acceptable time to be in there. Having that long showers when there's only 6 showers with minimum hot water for 30 people isn't nice at all, if you want a long shower you can freeze after everyone else is done. I've never shared before so I never knew how awful it was to wait to shower just to find the water cold.

Every day when we get back from group though Brendon and Ryan are in different stages of undress which is very annoying. I thought me walking in once was bad enough but now I have to shield my eyes everyday otherwise I'll end up with a great view of Ryan's ass and Brendon's dick as Brendon gets a blowjob. It's cute they're together and all but sex on my bed isn't nice. One day I'll walk in and Brendon will be balls deep in Ryan and I'll probably kill both of them.

Today there's no group therapy like always on Sunday so that people who are Christian can go to a makeshift church that the hospital has every Sunday after dinner. I'm not religious so I go to the shower as always and find it empty except for Ryan standing in front of a closed cubicle. There's only curtains in front of the showers so you can only see an outline of the person so that the guides can monitor that people aren't hurting themselves in there but they're not see through so people's privacy is respected. I'm guessing Pete's in there which is weird because he always goes to his room after group instead of joining the rush for showers.

"Hey Ryan" "Hey" "Is Pete there" "Yeah, usually he showers late but he wanted to shower now so here we are" "He'll actually get hot water today" "Yeah, he complains about that a lot"

I go into the shower next to his and go to shut the door when I hear Pete whisper to Ryan "Ry Ry, do you have my clothes" "Oh shit no, I thought you got them" "No" "Oh, I'll go get them, gimme a sec" "Don't leave me here" "It's ok, there's only Patrick here" "No, don't leave me"

Ryan sighs and looks into my space "Dude can you stay here with Pete so I can get him clothes" "Yeah sure" "He just likes someone standing there so people don't see his outline and so no one accidentally walks in" "I don't think anyone will come in but yeah, of course I'll stay here with him"

He jogs off out of the bathroom so I lean against the metal side of the cubicle and let Pete stand in there "You ok Pete" "Yeah" "You sure" "Yeah I'm fine". He seems really awkward as he stands in there, it's a really nice thought that Pete is beautifully wet and naked behind me but also sad because I can't get in there with him.

"Patrick please don't come in" "Why would I" "I thought you liked me and I saw you shirtless so I thought you'd want to see me" "Of course I do want to but you don't want me to so I won't" "Really" "Yeah, it's your body and if you want to stay private then that's totally fine" "Thank you, it'd be really embarrassing" "There's nothing to be embarrassed about" "There's loads" "You saw me, I have plenty to be embarrassed about too, I have a giant fucking scar from when my aunt let her dog maul me, whatever your body looks like I'm sure it can't be anymore fucked up" "It is" "Well I'm used to mine so I'd be fine with it"

Pete's arm slips out from the curtains and links his hands with mine. When I look back I can see the outline of Pete's body right behind me by the curtain and I wish I could pull it back and see his gorgeous body and do dirty things to him in the shower but he'd kill me if I did. I swear I have lost all asexuality right now simply because of Pete, I know that probably means demisexual but Pete's so gorgeous that my sexuality is irrelevant right now.

I can see a little bit of his bare thigh if I look sideways at the gap he's made in the curtain and his skins as pale as I expected for someone who's barely been outside in 2 years and his legs are covered in hair from living somewhere with no razors to shave. Most guys don't shave anyway but I used to anyway because it feels nice to have hairless legs, it was embarrassing when anyone noticed though. Now I'm here though they don't even trust us with windows so sharp razors is totally out of the question.

Ryan gets back quickly so Pete takes his wet hand out of mine and let's Ryan hand him the clothes over the top of the curtain so he can get dressed. Ryan's back so I can go have my own shower and listen to them both talking outside in whispers that I can't quite understand. The bathrooms starting to fill up so I get my clothes on quickly and walk with Ryan and Pete out.

Pete gives me a quick hug and kisses my cheek and before I can even think about it he sprints down the hall and locks himself in his room. Ryan and Brendon are all over each other so I let them leave and spend the time reading a new book I found in the library yesterday.


	10. Chapter 10

**Patrick's POV**

Brendon's back at 6am waking me up saying that him and Ryan got permission to take me and Pete out to the garden. Apparently Dr Williams didn't want it because it could be dangerous but Pete's fine unless someone touches him and there's no one out there to touch him and there's not much chance of me trying to cut myself with rose thorns. Brendon, Ryan and Pete will be right there to watch me and I've been good since my parents came so there's not much chance of me getting random urges to kill myself in the middle of a garden with my friends.

I change quickly then go with Brendon and Ryan who was outside the door to get Pete. Apparently Ryan already woke him so we just need to go get him and then I can finally see the gardens outside. Brendon says they aren't huge or very special but I haven't been outside properly for a while except looking out at the road from the windows in the lounge so it seems like it'd be great.

Ryan walks into Pete's room then immediately pushes us back and shoves me straight into Brendon. All I see is Pete grabbing at his pillow to cover his bare chest then Ryan slams the door shut to cut off the gorgeous half naked boy. He said he doesn't like he way he looks but from the 2 second glance I got there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with him. He's slightly underweight but it doesn't look too bad and he doesn't have any ugly scars or bruises that I could see. He's pale and beautiful and not super muscular but has a nice soft looking body that I wish I could go in and spend the morning getting to know. He will never know how much I want to spend a day in bed with him kissing and rolling around and getting to know his body because that'd be an amazing thing to do with him.

We stand in the corridor in silence for a while until Ryan knocks on Pete's door then slips inside. When I press my ear to the door I can hear Pete crying softly and I feel pretty shit about that, I know he doesn't like his body but I didn't think us accidentally seeing it would make him cry.

After a while Brendon sighs and knocks on the door too "Pete I'm sorry" There's silence until Ryan replies "It's ok Brendon, you guys can come in now". Pete's hugging the same pillow from before and has a blanket wrapped around himself because he doesn't look like he's wearing a shirt still.

"Pete I'm sorry, I'm sorry sweetheart" "It's ok, you didn't know, did you see me" "No Ryan just shoved us out" "Really" "Yeah, it's ok, there's nothing to be ashamed of" "There is" "There's not"

I feel slightly bad for lying to him about not seeing him because I did briefly see a bit of him but Brendon wouldn't have and I don't want to upset him. He's gorgeous and I don't want him to hide away and stop letting me touch him because he's terrified about what me looks like. Maybe one day he'll be comfortable being shirtless and he'll be ok with showing his pretty body but for now he just needs to be happy so I'm perfectly fine with telling little lies to keep him happy.

"Come in here Patty" "Where" "In here, in my blankets" "Why, aren't you still shirtless" "Yeah I am and I don't want you see me but I want a hug, don't look at me"

He loosens the blankets around him so I can slip in beside him and wrap my arms around his bare waist. He's so warm and his skins soft and babish just like I thought it would be so I really like just touching him. I keep to hands as high as possible on his waist and just rub at his skinny hips and around to his back. He doesn't eat a lot and he obviously has a problem with his weight despite being skinny, almost too skinny, so touching his back will hopefully be better then his chest.

There's more soft baby like skin punctuated with scars and hard raised skin. The more I feel his back the more scars there are and they're obviously old but there are so many and this is worse then I thought, this is worse then normal abuse.

"Pete are you ok sweetheart" "Yeah" "Your back" "Oh, I forgot, I'm sorry I know it's disgusting" "It's not disgusting, nothing about you is disgusting, I'm just worried" "It's fine, it was before I came here" "It still sucks though" "I'm sorry, I should have told you" "No, it doesn't matter, your beautiful"

Touching the scars is too sad so I run my hands over his flat stomach and leave an arm around his waist "Let's go outside, it'll be fun" "Yeah ok, I wouldn't blame you if you don't want to be around me anymore though" "Why" "I'm fat and ugly and scarred, no one would ever want someone like that" "We're friends Pete, I don't care what you look like. I weigh more then you, I'm uglier then you and I have way more scars then you, you have nothing to be ashamed of"

He shakes his head and kisses the top of my shoulder gently "Your lying about all of them but ok, let's go outside". We all turn away to let him pull his shirt on then Brendon links his arm through mine and skips through the hospital to the door outside and dramatically opens it for me to go through. As they said it's not much special but they have a pretty arch of roses and it's on the other side of the building from the road so it's quiet except for birds.

Brendon skips around picking flowers to make a bouquet for Ryan and I help him find pretty ones and pick the ones with thorns that he is too scared to touch. Pete and Ryan are under a tree in the shade when Brendon skips back and hands Ryan the bunch of flowers which leads to them making out on the grass. I didn't think about getting Pete anything so I just get a rose from a bush and get rid of the thorns so I can hand it to him. "Is this for me" "Yup" "Thank you" "A beautiful rose for a beautiful boy"

Pete blushes the same colour as the rose and plays with the stem as I take his hand and pull him up "Come on, let's find you more flowers" "That's ok, I don't need you to" "But I want to"

We walk around the garden again and he ends up with a bunch of different coloured roses with a couple of sunflowers that I spent ages trying to pull out to give to him. Ryan and Brendon are done making out by the tree so we sit down and Brendon throws an arm around my shoulders.

"Ok so I was thinking, remember that first day you were here and we played poker" "Yeah" "You still owe me" "You owe me too" "Yeah and we're doing it right now because I have a question" "Tell me about Ryan then, all the juicy slutty details"

Brendon grins and his hand falls down onto Ryan's dick to palm him through his pants "What do you wanna know" "Have you fucked" "Not yet, we've done basically everything else though" "All on my bed I bet" "Yup, on Pete's bed once though, Ryan has a lovely cock and I like that lovely cock in my mouth" "Brendon!" "What, I swallowed so it's not like Pete was sleeping in come" "That's still gross" "Well deal with it, just because your asexual doesn't mean I am" "Gross" "Well we could have watched porn on his TV but we didn't, we're good children" "He has a TV? Why didn't I know this" "He's the only one apparently, he's not suicidal and won't break the glass to hurt himself so they trust him with it" "He never told me, I'm watching TV with him tomorrow, he doesn't have a say in this"

Pete giggles and leans his head on my shoulder "I'm fine with that" "Good, I'm not happy with you though" "I can only watch TV shows and movies that are approved though, it's kinda lame" "That's fine, I'm sure there's something good" "Yeah I've watched every episode of spongebob ever made" "I've done the same, I was like 10 but I think I've watched them all too"

"Is it my turn for a question" Brendon yells making Pete jump away from me in shock which is really annoying because I only just got to cuddle with him and I want private cuddle time in this nice garden. "No, what's this porn thing" "Well we would have but we're nice" "I doubt that's one of the approved movies or shows" "Oh yeah, true and they'd probably notice and ask about it and we'd get in trouble" "Your such perverts"

"Ok so my question, tell me about all your relationships you've ever had" "I only asked about one, you can't ask about them all" "I just want a general summary" "I had a girlfriend when I was 11, one when I was 13 then I realised I was gay and dated a couple of guys in high school" "Did you have sex" "Asexual remember" "Oh yeah, tell me more, this isn't juicy enough" "I don't know, I snuck out of my room a lot for he last boyfriend, he was older and smoked a lot of weed, he was nice though" "You smoke?" "No never, he was nice though and I only saw him when I snuck out so he was always too stoned to care about my scars or anything, I liked him, his name was Austin, he was sweet" "When did you break up" "We didn't, I just stopped being able to sneak out after my parents caught me one time and I never saw him since, he's probably forgotten about me completely"

Pete seems awkward that I'm talking about my previous boyfriends and I want to ask about his but I still don't know if it was one of them that did this to him. He was only 13 when he came here but someone could have taken advantage of him because he was young and then hurt him, I wish I knew how to ask without him freaking out.

"We should go back in" Ryan says in a bit of silence and Pete grabs onto me frantically "Can we have a minute" "Yeah sure Pete, go ahead, me and Bren can wait inside". They go to stand in the doorway to the hospital and leave me and Pete under the tree "Hey Pete sweetheart" "Are you asexual" "Yeah" "I didn't know" "I didn't think I mentioned it to you, I am though" "That's good, that's really really good" "Why" "Because you like me and you want to be with me and I'm still scared but if we do get together you won't hurt me, you won't want those things from me" "I won't hurt you no matter what, that's why I respect your boundaries because I have plenty of them too. Neither of us want anything below the waist so that's what we'll do" "Thank you" "Thank you too, your beautiful" "That's random" "No, I just thought I'd tell you, sunlight is a good look for you"

We walk back holding hands and the hospital seems really dark after being outside but it's still become my home so I like it, mental hospitals shouldn't be so comforting but this one really is for me.


	11. Chapter 11

**Pete's POV**

Dr Williams has been asking me to do this for ages, I didn't ever want to. Apparently going back to high school will help me get over my fear of people and make me less scared of being around men because there will be so many around that I'll feel safe. She's so wrong though, there will be so many people around and so many guys that could hurt me and it'll be hard. It won't just be one guy there that I can stay away from or that I can learn to trust, it'll be hundreds of them who are all bigger and older and more powerful then me and anyone of them could hurt me, it's the worst idea I've ever heard. I'd rather stay in this hospital for the rest of my life and just spend time with Brendon and Ryan and get to cuddle with Patrick. They're safe and I know none of them will hurt me, even though I'm a bit uncomfortable with Brendon I know he's safe and he wouldn't hurt me, they're safe and other people aren't.

Of course Dr Williams insists on it too and just when I thought she'd let it go because of how badly I don't want it, she brings Patrick into this. One day I walk into one on one and there he is waiting with her and she tries to make me try it. Patrick's nice though and when he seems I'm uncomfortable he backs down and says he doesn't care if I don't want to but she still tries for it. I haven't been outside this hospital in 2 years except for occasional garden visits with Ryan so how will throwing me into high school help.

Patrick told me about his, it was horrible and he got bullied all the time and he tried to kill himself 9 times because of that place, his parents sucked too but I still don't want to go to anywhere like that. Here I know everyone and everyone knows me and they know not to touch me and I know that no ones going to hurt me so I can deal with it if someone does accidentally touch me. They're usually just teenage girls who I'm fine with and teenage boys who wouldn't do anything to me so I'm comfortable with it.

There's not many adult men as well because all therapists I'm with are female and the others don't have to get near me so I'm safe from them. There's male teachers at high school so I'll have to be near them and talk to them and let them touch me, I can't do that. The teenagers aren't good either, it's not like here where people are accepting and they have mental issues too so they don't bully and they make you feel welcome. Guys are assholes and bullies and they'll hurt me, I know they will, if they hurt someone like Patrick who's perfect and kind and smart then of course they'll bully me.

I'm basically in tears by the time Dr Williams stops pushing me to do it and let's Patrick wrap me in his arms to calm me down. He's been so good to me and I wish I could be good back, I don't even know why he's here because he doesn't have issues like me, he hasn't relapsed at all and he seems perfect, I'm glad he's here though. I wish I could let him get in a relationship with me because he's said he wants it and he's told me that he likes me but how can I. My last one ended me here and I don't want to screw things up, I have friends who care for me and I can't ruin that, Ryan's stuck with me but Brendon and Patrick could leave.

But the thing is, if I don't let Patrick date me and let him have me the way he wants me then he might leave and Brendon will stick by Patrick because it's his job to and because he's Patrick's friend. I can't loose 2 out of 3 of my friends just because I can't let one of them date me even though he's trustworthy enough that I can know he'd never hurt me.

I know Patrick's asexual so it takes the pressure off sex and I know the relationship won't ever get physical but who knows, maybe Patrick will end up wanting it. I'm not asexual, I just can't have sex, I don't know how it feels to be asexual so maybe he'll realise when he's in a relationship that he does want sex from me and he'll try and get it, I can't go through that again. He's my best friend apart from Ryan and I don't want to have to run away every time I see him or be scared of his touch again or live in fear of him. I can't deal with that if I do force myself to sleep with him and I don't want to constantly be stressed out about telling him no and be scared of what he'll do if I say no too many times. No one takes rejection well, not even Patrick will and if I don't give myself the opportunity to say no then he won't hurt me.

As he hugs me I just let myself cry into his shoulder as he holds me tight in his arms. He's so so so good to me and I know he'll treat me well and be the perfect boyfriend but I can't. The only time bad things happen is when things change, if everything stays exactly the way it is now then everything will be happy and everything will be good.

"Pete it's ok, no one will force you to go there" "I don't want to get hurt, I don't want to leave and be all alone in a place of people who hate me" "They won't know you" "They'll touch me and treat me like a normal person then when they find out how crazy I am they'll hate me, people don't like differences" "I'll be there, haven't you listened, me and Ryan will be with you every second and it'll be one day that you can back out of at any point" "Do you want me to" "No, I'd rather you stay here and be happy but if it's what you want and what will help you get better then I'll always support it"

He's leaving the entire decision to me which makes it harder because it's easier if people make decisions for me. Then they'll know best and they'll take care of me and do what's right, if I make the choice then it's my fault when things go wrong, I can't take that blame.

"I'll try, I'll go to one day with you, Ryan and Brendon and I'll try to do well and then I'll get out and come back here" "You don't have to" "I have to try, I can't hide my whole life" "Ok, people will take care of you, we'll make sure everything's perfect"

Dr Williams seems happy and even agree to let Brendon go too so he isn't left here by himself and says it'll happen in a week after they make an arrangement with the school. I'll be in 10th grade and do normal classes and try things out and maybe it'll be fine. She says that since I've been doing work since I got here in place of school work I won't be too far behind and maybe if it goes well I could come to school once a week to do classes and get work like a normal person. I don't think it's a good idea because I'm not a normal person but I guess I get a lot of extra perks that normal patients don't get because of how long I'm here and how long I've been without a huge incident and the fact I'm not actively suicidal.

This could go really really badly and knowing me I'll probably see a single male teacher then have a breakdown and have to go home but that's ok. I'll try and maybe after the whole thing fails Dr Williams will stop asking me for it and let me just stay here and do my work like I've always done.

I trust Patrick though. Patrick loves me and he'll take care of me and make sure no one does anything to hurt me or stress me out. I trust him just as much as I trust Ryan even though I haven't known him as long so between the two of them and Brendon who seems to be good with people I'm sure they'll make the day go well. I trust Patrick, I know he'll take care of me.


	12. Chapter 12

**Patrick's POV**

Pete seems terrified as the day he's going to try going to school gets closer which is good for me because he starts talking more and holding onto me even more then usual so I'm happy with it. I feel bad that I'm happy about him being scared but any excuse to be with him can never be bad, I'm just glad he trusts me enough now to spend time with me when he's worried and freaking out.

On Monday we get some clothes that aren't the horrible white hospital clothes so I can pull on black jeans and a grey and white hoodie. I even get converse and a phone that they can use to track us and we can use to call Dr Williams or Brendon and Ryan in case we get lost or want to leave early.

Pete's not dressed when I get to his room so I throw his similar clothes at him "Come on sweetheart, I promise it'll be fine" "I don't like the clothes" "Why" "I'm too fat for jeans" "You are not, do you want me to ask for other ones" "No it's fine" "Do you wanna swap? Mine are bigger so they won't be so tight on you and you'll feel better" "But mine won't fit you" "I like skinny jeans" "No I'm fine, it'll be fine, yours seem to be tight enough on you already, you don't need any smaller"

He gets me to turn around so he can change then stands there picking at the bottom of his Metallica hoodie until he pulls a thread out and sighs "Should we go" "Yeah, you should wear things like that more, dark colours suit you" "Thanks, I used to wear stuff like this" "Yeah me too, I got called an emo shit a lot by my parents" "I hate them for hurting you" "I hate them too" "Do people bully people for wearing clothes like this" "No, I never did, it was just because I cut myself" "Oh, I don't want to look stupid" "Your gorgeous, trust me"

Pete links our fingers together and we go to meet Brendon and Ryan who both have on beanies and take us out to Ryan's car. I really don't care about cars but it looks like a nice car and there's music blaring when he starts it up and the heater makes it super warm. Apparently the schools 20 minutes away so I hold Pete's hand and sing along loudly to whatever songs I know with Brendon singing even louder.

When we get there there's people everywhere who don't even seem to care about 4 guys walking into school. Pete's so young he'll only be a sophomore unlike me who'd be a senior and Brendon and Ryan who already graduated, I didn't know Brendon had until he told me he was a smart shit and graduated a year early.

He walks close to my side but let's go of my hand, probably because walking into school clutching someone's hand isn't the best way to start. We go see the principal who gives him his timetable then Brendon and Ryan leave us to go get coffee and I take Pete to class. I'm supposed to be staying with him all day because I'm the youngest out of us 3 and I look the youngest and was in high school until a month ago so I can look after him better. This is luckily a different school then the one I went to but it seems the exact same which doesn't bring back good memories.

He has math first and when we get to the class the teacher is luckily a woman and gives him a smile which he hesitantly returns as he finds a seat at the front of the class but the opposite side of the room from the door. Now people won't pass us and touch him as they walk in but he's still by the front so he's not distracted by people around us and he's close to the teacher in case he needs it.

The desks are in groups of 2 so I can sit on the other side of him, cutting him off from other people as much as I can so he can just ease himself into being in school again.

"When was the last time you were in school sweetheart" "When I was like 10, I never went to middle school" "Why" "My....... He never wanted me there, he pretended to home school me but he really didn't, I've spent all this time at the hospital catching up" "Your boyfriend?" "No, don't ask me" "I'm sorry, I just wanted to know" "Don't ask, don't you dare ask"

He's glaring down at the desk as I take his hand and try to apologise "I'm sorry, I just want to know" "I know and I don't want you to know, not yet" "Ok darling, ok, I won't ask again" "Thank you" "Can I just ask one quick question though" "Depends what it is" "Did the person who took you out of school make your scars sweetheart"

Pete just scratches at the desk with his free hand so he doesn't really need to answer even though he eventually does "Yes, some of them, you knew the answer though" "Some of them" "Yes some of them, this conversation is over". He takes out a pen to start carving in the desk but he lets me hold his hand under the desk until the class starts filling up then he lets go of me.

He's much smarter then I expected and does really well in class and no one even seems to care that we're here or that I'm obviously older then them. Maybe they just think I'm really stupid and for held back a couple of years.

The next few classes go alright until it's lunch and Brendon and Ryan are waiting for us outside Pete's English class with sushi. Pete doesn't want to have to go to the cafeteria and eat in front of people or have to order food and sit with other people he doesn't know so we find a strip of grass and sit there to eat.

It's really fun and I'd never had a lot of sushi before and it's actually really nice. I get to feed Pete some and hold his hand and sit in sunlight which is a nice change from the constant indoors.

Pete kisses my cheek when the bell rings which is probably my favourite thing that's happened all day but he has PE next which really sucks. I don't think either of us brought anything to do it in so hopefully we'll get out of it. I'm not sporty and Pete doesn't look like he'd be either, plus he wouldn't like changing in front of people in the changing room.

We spend the time collecting gear and refereeing football games as everyone else plays then Pete kisses my cheek for the second time before we go to drama. I don't know what's gotten into him but he's being so cute and gentle and he's actually kissing me which is the best thing ever.

The rest of the day goes well and we wait by the front of the school for Brendon and Ryan who are already 10 minutes late. Pete's stressing himself out by telling me all the ways that we could get attacked and die if we stand here and how we should have been given guns in case a murderer comes for us. I don't know where this entire thing is going but he's adorably stressed out and when I take him in my arms and kiss the top of his black hair he's actually shaking slightly. I've never seen him have a panic attack and Ryan said his anxiety wasn't severe anymore but he seems to be about to freak out so I hope those idiots stop having sex and get here.

I kiss the top of his head again and lean down to whisper to him before he starts telling me more ways that we can die when we're slammed into and Pete falls out of my arms. A bunch of asshole looking guys stand there laughing as Pete scrambles away against the wall on the ground to get away from the loud guys.

"Look at the little faggots" "Go away" "Why should we" The biggest stupidest looking one sneers down at Pete "Didn't anyone tell you you have to have your head shoved in the toilet on your first day, you missed out but we can do it now"

He starts towards him but I step in front of him because Pete's already been about to cry because he's scared Brendon and Ryan won't show up and now he's getting threatened and I'm done with shit head bullies.

Ryan's car is coming into the parking lot so I help Pete up then kick the guy hard in the crotch so we can run to their car and get straight in. Brendon's laughing his head off as we jump in and Ryan roars out of the parking lot before we can even buckle ourselves in.

"What the hell was that" Brendon says as he laughs making me laugh too and help Pete put his seatbelt on "They were being assholes and I've been taking shit for my whole life so I thought I'd just have fun with it" "Well I hope you weren't intending to go back there"

Everyone except Pete's laughing so I slide over and kiss the top of his head because it seemed to be calming him down before and I think he really needs it now. "Are you ok" "He hit me" "He only pushed you but he's an asshole, I hope I fucked up his balls" "I can't go back, the day was good but I can't go back, they'll kill me" "You can find another school" "I don't want to, I can't handle people like that and it's horrible, I'm safe at the hospital so I went to stay there"

He's so upset that after 2 years of being cared for and kept safe he's getting hurt again and I'm not going to let him do it again. It was good for him to get out and try being normal again but it's too dangerous and destructive for someone as beautiful and special and fragile as Pete.

"I'm so so sorry" "You protected me, thank you" "I always will if that's what you need" "Thank you, I want you with me" "And I want to be with you"

We stay together for the rest of the car ride and he spends most of the night with me cuddled up in every blanket he can find in his room, quietly watching spongebob episodes until he stops shaking and can talk without loosing breath. He's still wearing the hoodie from before on top of his hospital shirt with 5 blankets around him because apparently he feels dirty even after 2 showers with both me and Ryan outside waiting for him and protecting him.

I thought this would be such a good thing for him and it was good apart from those assholes. If they could have just left us alone then he'd be fine and he wouldn't be so upset and broken right now. I feel terrible, it was my job to protect this boy and I didn't do it well enough.

He lets me get under the covers with him when he manages to talk properly and after another episode and a half his shaking stops. It's past 2am but neither of us really seem to care, I'm too worried about Pete and he's feeling too shit about this whole thing. I think it just brought up memories and made him feel like people were going to start abusing him again and that's why he feels so bad so hopefully it'll calm down in a couple of days. He's definitely not going back to that school anytime soon so I'll just stay with him for a while until he can calm down about everything, I really hope nothing like this ever happens to him again.


	13. Chapter 13

**Pete's POV**

Again Patrick's so good to me, how can any person be so nice and care for me so much. He spends the whole night watching kids cartoons with me because I'm upset and he still totally respects my limits, I thought he'd do at least one thing to upset me by now but he hasn't. The only thing he's ever done is be good to me and when he ever does anything that isn't totally ok he stops and apologises, he's the most perfect person.

He's been so perfect that when he lies down on my bed and starts falling asleep I tuck myself into his arms and let him hug me as we fall asleep. I know we'll probably get in trouble for sneaking into each other's rooms and sleeping together but it's fine. Maybe soon he won't need to come in and hold me because I'm scared of the dark, maybe soon I won't be terrified someone will attack me again in the dark and I'll be able to function like a normal human.

Ryan wakes us in the morning with a smirk and Patrick quickly lets go of me so he can run back to his room where Brendon will probably be waiting with questions and sex jokes. They have such a nice friendship and I wish I could talk to Brendon more, Patrick likes him a lot and Ryan's dating him so I should try harder to make friends.

Ryan lets me dress then gives me the dietary pills that I have to take so I get proper vitamins and everything that I don't get from my minimal eating. It's embarrassing that I have to take pills just so I don't get sick but they make it easier for me to eat without having to throw up as well so they're good, I've been taking them so long that I'm used to it.

Patrick's waiting for me when I come out so I can automatically go to him and cuddle him. He doesn't seem to be annoyed with me constantly hanging onto him but maybe he's just nice and maybe he actually likes hugging me too.

That guy yesterday looks just like my ex and that's pretty horrid, I thought I was done with this but now I'm a mess again. I thought Patrick wouldn't have to see this but now he does which makes me look really really stupid.

It's only after group therapy when we can get away and cuddle up on a beanbag by ourselves as Ryan and Brendon go find somewhere to blow each other. I don't really need to know that's what their doing but Brendon tells us rather happily as he pulls Ryan off.

"Hey Pete, you ok?" "Yeah I'm good" He has to ask me if I'm ok now and that's pretty lame, I want to just be ok and for us to be normal but now I'm failing again. "Can we talk" "Depends" "Depends on what" "On what you wanna talk about" "Tell me about you" "No" "All I know is that you play bass and your gay, tell me something, what about your family?" "I have a brother" "Are you close" "No"

I'm so boring and lame and my families the worst thing to talk about but they're the only thing I really have. I was young when I came here so I don't know who I am, I'm just an abused, stuffed up boy who can't even keep a friend. I need Patrick and I can't loose him, he's chosen to be my friend and chosen to be with me so it's harder with him then Ryan because Ryan's stuck with me unlike Patrick who could leave whenever he wants.

"Pete I'm trying here" "I'm trying too" "No your not" "What am I supposed to say, I hate my brother and he sat by as I got abused, can we move on". We sit in silence for a while until he stands up and leaves me alone on the beanbag "I'm going to my room" "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that" "Pete I just need you to try" "I am trying" "No your not, your either not talking at all or telling me random things that make no sense then not telling me more, why won't you tell me"

I don't want to but I get so mad at him because my only friend is leaving me now and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

"I'm sorry Patrick, come back" "No, I'll see you later" "What do you want me to say, do you want to know how my dad abused me while my brother just watched and my mother ignored it. Do you want to know how he raped me and beat me and hit me with his belt to make the scars you found. Do you want to know how I got an older boyfriend to try to protect myself but all he wanted was sex. Do you want to know that I was 12 and had to let him fuck me every day just so he'd let me sleep over at his house so my dad wouldn't hurt me. Do you want to know how he raped me and beat me when I said no to something. Do you want to know how he turned into my father and I had nowhere that was safe. Do you want to know how my dad found him raping me one day in my room and they just ganged up and raped me together. You don't fucking want to know this and I don't want you to know this so stop asking"

Luckily the lounge is empty apart from us so he's the only one to see my breakdown but it's so embarrassing when I realise how much I told him. I shouldn't have said all that and told him so much, no one in the world knew that my father did it too, I only told Ryan and Dr Williams about my boyfriend not my dad because I was too embarrassed. When I got sent here my mother dumped him because once he started hitting her instead of me but he's still out there. I'm safe here so I can never leave or he'll hurt me. I should tell someone but how can I, everyone will think I'm so stupid and useless.

Patrick stands there frozen until I get up and try to walk past but he grabs my wrist and pulls me against his chest as I start sobbing. He holds me firmly as I cry out everything I have then slump in his arms, basically fainting against him. I shouldn't put all my weight on him because he can't carry me but somehow he does scoop me up in his arms and take me to Dr Williams.

She looks horrified at Patrick carrying me in as I weakly cry against him but with a block of chocolate, a blanket and 10 minutes of hugs from Patrick, I manage to stop. Patrick doesn't loosen his grip at all so I sink into it while I tell Dr Williams exactly what I just told him while I was freaking out about him leaving. Patrick seems to still be horrified and every time I say something bad that happened to me his arms tense up and he kisses the top of my head. When I'm done Dr Williams leaves to tell someone else about this, probably so they can start searching for my father and I'm left alone with Patrick.

I thought he'd still leave but he stays in the same spot, hugging me tight and kissing every spot he can reach. It feels so good and he's only the second relationship I've ever had but this is definitely what they're supposed to be like. They're not supposed to be based of desperation and sex and I shouldn't have to be terrified every time I see the person, Patrick takes care of me like that monster was supposed to but he does it right. His love and protection isn't conditional to whether I have sex or what I do for him, he's just there even when I'm a total piece of crap and I need it to stay this way.

"Patrick" "Yeah sweetheart" "D-d-d-do you w-want t-to be my b-b-boyfriend" "Yes sweetie, of course I do" "Really?" "Yeah and I'm going to do it right" "No sex?" "None, I've decided I'm demisexual because your the only person I could ever imagine having sex with but I'm perfectly fine with never doing it" "I want to but what if I'm still broken" "Your not broken" "They both broke me" "How old were you" "For my father I was 10 and for him I was 12" "Why do you just say your father and him" "I don't want to say his name, I can just say my father even though he stopped being a father a long time ago" "Why not shithead number 1 and shithead number 2" "I'm not supposed to swear" "Maybe only to me then" "Can I say 1 and 2, for the first to do it then the second to do it" "First and last I think you mean" "You don't know that" "Yes, I do, I'm not letting a single person touch you in anyway you don't want them to"

His lips are back at my hair kissing over the layers and nuzzling against me. It's so simple but it's affection I never got and it's so perfect, he's not saying anything and he's not doing much but just him doing this makes me feel protected. He's holding me tight and letting me know that no one will hurt me and he's willing to fight for me if he has to, this is a relationship, nothing I've ever had before has been like this.

"Your not broken sweetheart" "I am, they broke me, they ripped me open and took things I'll never get back, how is that not broken" "They can never break you because your a human being and you can't be broken, you'll always keep trying" "Like you after 9 times" "Yeah but now I have you, I'll stay for you" "Don't leave" "I won't, not now" "Not ever" "Not ever" "Do you mind if I am broken, do you mind if I can't ever have sex or if we try but I'm too broken to do it" "We won't try" "But one day I might, one day I might be past this and I might, what if I can't do it" "That's not a problem we have to worry about now" "I don't want to be broken when you get me, why couldn't you have found me before they broke me"

Im trying so hard not to cry again so it's good when Dr Williams gets back with anxiety pills and sleeping pills for me. They make me loose and dreamy so I can relax as Patrick carries me back to my room and spreads out a blanket on the floor for him to lie on as I fall asleep.


	14. Chapter 14

**Patrick's POV**

It hadn't even been 12 hours yet but when I wake up Pete's mother and her boyfriend are here and she's hugging him tight as I roll off the floor. Ryan's waiting with Brendon too so I link my arm with Brendon and let them be a family and do everything I wish I could do with parents that aren't useless like mine.

Pete doesn't seem to be good at all and he's clinging to his mother frantically as she smooths his hair and rubs his back then he slowly comes over to me and slips his hand into mine. His head rests on my arm as he rubs his cheek against my arm slowly and unties my bandages "Do you still need these" "No I just like covering them" "Can I take this off" "Yeah sure".

He takes them off then kisses along the little pink scars "I'm sorry" "What are you sorry for sweetheart, your perfect" "No, I'm broken" "Stop this, your not broken and even if you are I still want to be with you" "I'm broken" "And I don't care, everyone's here because they're broken, I still like you"

His mother takes Pete back in her arms so they can go off to talk to Dr Williams and Brendon and Ryan tell me what's been happening while I've been sleeping. Apparently the police are out looking for his father so they can do another court trial for him and Pete's old boyfriend who's already in prison.

I'm not sure how forcing Pete to tell a whole room of people what happened to him and making him face the people who hurt him will help but if it protects him that's good. It might not be allowed but if he has to testify or talk about anything then I want to be there, I want to be there to hold him and let him cry to me if he has to.

After spending the entire morning waiting for Pete Brendon forces me to eat then takes me out to the garden again. It doesn't feel right without Pete but I collect more roses to bring inside and leave in his room in a vase for him. Maybe when he gets back it'll make him smile a bit to see I got them for him, I want him to smile right now.

The whole day passes before they bring in a man in handcuffs just before I'm about to go to bed. Finally I'm allowed to go see Pete who clings to me desperately as his mother goes to identify whether that's Pete's father. Pete needs to do it too to make sure that's the man that abused him but every time I try to mention it he sobs harder so we sit there hugging while he clings to me.

"Pete you need to try" "I can't, I can't do it" "And that's ok, would it be better if it was a picture" "Maybe" "Do you want me to ask about it" "Yeah ok" "He won't hurt you, they'll arrest him now and he'll never touch you ever again my darling" "Promise me" "I promise, I'll protect you if he ever tries to touch you again" "What could you do" "I don't know but I'll do anything possible" "Ok, get me a picture"

When his mother comes back she agrees to get a picture and comes back with her phone held out. With a shaky hand Pete takes it then screams and drops it "No no no no no no, get him out". He's literally shaking like he's having a seizure and about to pass out but his mother picks the phone back up "Is that him darling, I need a proper answer then you'll never see him again" "Yes, yes just get him the fuck out". She doesn't react to his swearing and goes out to tell the police what he said.

Pete takes a long time to stop shaking and when he does he lets me put a tight arm around his waist I take him out to go back to his room. We're half way down the hall when there's voices behind us making us both turn around and Pete literally starts fainting on my arms.

His father stands there in handcuffs and growls "Fucking useless faggot" at the shaking boy before he's pulled away. Pete's crying in my arms again and seems close to passing out as I get him back to his room and let him cling to me while I try to coax him into bed. It takes a lot of soft whispers and touches to get him into bed and calm enough for me to run and get him a bowl of soup for lunch.

This is even more of a challenge because despite it only being pumpkin soup, not anything substantial, Pete takes ages to finish it and when he does he looks like he'll throw up.

"Are you ok, please don't throw up" "I shouldn't eat, I don't deserve food" "Why, what did that asshole tell you that made you not want food" "I'm useless, I don't deserve to eat" "Yes you do" "No, I'm ugly and useless an-"

I cut him off by sliding into his bed beside him and whispering gently to him "Are you ok with me being here, I can leave if you want Ryan instead" "No I'm fine with you here, thank you for asking" "I'd never want to do something you don't want" "Thank you" "Why don't you want to eat, did he do this to you" "Yes, I told you he broke me" "No he just fucked you up, your not broken just a bit bent" "Bend me back" "I will, you have people who love you and we'll save you, we love you and you'll never get hurt again"

Pete seems to calm down a lot when he's in my arms and under the covers of his bed and I'm glad. It's good that someone he knows can help him calm down and he'll let people in and trust them to protect him when he needs it. Being in his bed, somewhere he feels warm and safe and comfortable feels really great, he trusts me to be in bed with him and to hold him and this is special. He's been so badly hurt and despite what I tell him he might be broken by this but it's special to me that he trusts me enough to let me into his arms and his bed and knows that I'd never ever touch him horribly like his father did.

"Patty" "Yeah sweetheart" "He told me I was ugly and too fat and hit me when I ate too much, that's why I don't eat, he kept telling me I'm fat and ugly so I believe him" "Your not, your so so not" "He told me all the time that I am" "No, your not, your beautiful" "How can I be, I'm fat and disgusting but everyone tells me to eat eat eat and that I'm too skinny so I don't know, either way I'm ugly, I'm never right and people are never happy with me"

He's tearing up again which is totally not what I wanted but he buries into my side and rests his head on my chest "I'm sorry, I'm being stupid, what do you think? Am I too fat or too skinny? What do you want me to do for you?". I can't believe that asshole father and that asshole boyfriend fucked him up so much that he actually believes that there's anything wrong with him. He should love himself no matter what but now he keeps thinking he has to change himself and it's up to the person he's with to determine what's right for him. He'd starve himself to death if I told him it'd make him more beautiful and he'd force himself to eat until he got sick if I told him that's what I wanted.

Even being here has hurt him because he'd spent years being told to stop eating because he's fat and now he's told he's too skinny and to eat. Either way he's told he's not good enough and I just want him to be healthy and love himself because I'll love him either way, happy and healthy is all that counts.

"Sweetheart I want you to eat because that's healthy for you but I don't care if you loose or gain weight" "But what would you prefer" "I'd prefer you to stop asking me and ask yourself" "But I'm never good enough" "Yes you are, as long as you eat enough to keep healthy then your weight doesn't matter to me" "It does" "I'm not them, I'll never tell you that your happiness is wrong" "I'm not happy" "Then what will make you happy" "You, making you happy matters to me" "Then eat as much as you can and as much as your comfortable doing, that'll make me happy" "Is my weight ok?" "No, at the moment it's because you've starved yourself, if you eat a normal amount but don't gain weight it'll be fine, it's not the weight that matters it's your health" "How are you so perfect" "I'm not" "Your bodies perfect" "It's not but I've learnt that it's what I've got so I try to work with it" "I'll try" "Just eat what's needed and be healthy, I'll support you the whole way"

Pete curls against me and kisses my cheek "Sleep with me?" "Not in a sex way right?" "No, just cuddling and loving each other" "I love you" "I love you too" "Go to sleep my sweetheart" "Don't leave me when he's still here" "I won't" "Please don't touch me at night" "You don't want me to hold you?" "I mean like touching me, I love you and I want to be with you but please don't touch me like that" "I'm not doing anything, I would never force you into something at night" "Please, please don't, please don't do that to me" "I'm not them, I'm not them and I would never do that" "My father used to, he'd sneak in at night in the dark and pin me down and rape me. Then I went with him every night to get away from my father and he raped me in bed and if I said no he'd still do it then make me sleep on the floor. I'll have sex with you willingly if you please don't do that, not right now, any other time but not now"

He's so broken and it's so sad. Pete's literally clinging onto me and shaking while trying to convince me not to rape him because that's all he knows. He's never been loved and held at night totally innocently without being forced into something, he actually believes that he'll have to offer up sex in order to be loved. I love him and that's not something that will change, I really doubt I'll ever care about whether he can have sex.

"Pete I'm not going to touch you, I'm not going to rape you or have sex with you" "I know but I want you to love me" "And I will" "I can try to get Ryan to keep people away from my room tomorrow if you want me to pay out then" "Stop it sweetheart, I'm sick of this, I'm not like your father and I'm not like your old boyfriend and I will never have sex with you in this place" "So your leaving" "No, there's more then 2 sides Pete, your options aren't to have me leave you or have sex for me to stay" "But that's all I have" "No, I'm not having sex with you until we're both ok and we're out of here and married, I'm not having sex until marriage" "What about me" "I'll only have sex with you if we're married and your comfortable with doing it"

For a minute Pete seems like he'll argue but then he rests his head on my shoulder and slips his arm over my waist "Ok, let's sleep, I trust you" "Good, I'm not them and I know they've made you think this is what a relationship is but it's not, nothing you've had before is a proper relationship, I'll show you one" "Thank you, thank you for loving me"


	15. Chapter 15

**Patrick's POV**

Pete's mother comes and wakes us up the next morning to take him out of the hospital to go somewhere that I'm not told about. It's nice he's allowed out of the hospital and that he has people to take him, I'm all alone now because Ryan and Brendon are never around anymore. Maybe it's too much pressure and drama for them or maybe their colleges are having exams or they're just too busy banging each other to do their job.

I mope around most of the morning until I try to go to the library and find a man stoking boxes of books onto shelves. He seems slightly relieved when I ask him about them because I guess he was expecting me to be a raging lunatic and he's pretty happy talking to me so when I see a box cutter in one of his empty boxes that I can snatch up and tuck into my waistband. It's probably stupid but I want to have this and I can't help myself stealing it.

I'm alone in my room before I know it, rolling the cutter around in my hands and flicking the blade in and out of its holder. Pete's mothers car was pulling up as I went past the window in the lounge so I know he'll be back soon but I can usually count on his mother to keep him occupied.

The next visiting day is soon and I know he'll have plenty of visitors, his mother even said his brother might come so they can try being friends again after all this time, that's really nice for him. I'll be all alone though because I doubt my parents will come back here for me to yell at them again, even if they do it would be better if they didn't because I don't need verbal abuse from them right now. Despite everything that's happened, Pete's life seems to be going so well from him and I'm so jealous. He has people who love him and people who will be there when he gets out of hospital, maybe he will end up going back to high school and everything will be perfect.

Just to try what it's like I gently run the sharp blade down my arm to make a pink scar but not draw blood. I do it a few times so I have new light scars to match the old ones who have faded then do it harder and watch blood trickle down my arm. I do it a few more times then just watch as the blood pools on my arm, slowly staining it with crimson. I know why I used to love this, the pain takes away all my thoughts and it's the only thing I can concentrate on, even noises in the hall fade away and I can just focus on making more lines.

I'm very precise about this, all the lines need to be straight and in a row, I hate the idea of the lines crossing and opening up old scars. They might be ugly but I might as well make them neat and not a ugly ruined mess. Single scars will heal better then ones that overlap and get ripped open all the time so I want to keep them like this.

There's probably cameras in my room or people will notice my bandaged arms but who cares, I feel so much better and it wasn't even hard to do. Pete would be the only person who would care and he probably won't say anything, it's a terrible time for him so his problems would be way worse then mine.

When there are too many scars and the blood starts to roll off into my bed I stop and put the bloody box cutter down next to me. It would be hard to get to the bathroom without someone noticing and telling on me so I'll just wait here, I can use bedsheets or something to cover them and then find bandages when they stop bleeding and being obvious.

When there starts to be black spots on my vision and I get a nice high from the lack of blood the door slams open and Pete skips in. He has literally the worst timing but I'm so dizzy I just lean against the wall and giggle to myself at how pretty all the blood looks.

Pete gasps and his mother behind him screams when she walks in but I'm so close to passing out I couldn't care less. It's hilarious looking at them get scared by how much of a mess I am but this is my favourite part, I'm light headed and dizzy and everything seems funny. It's like drugs except better because it's not illegal, why did I ever stop doing this, it's so amazing.

There's people shouting but their voices are fuzzy and eventually someone picks me up and carries me out of the room while someone that feels like Pete holds my hand and presses kisses on my knuckles.

Pete's so pretty so I try to tell him that but I end up just stammering pretty pretty pretty as I'm carried along. Getting carried is so nice though, I should do it more, if only Pete wasn't so tiny then he could be carrying me around. I should carry him around since I'm bigger and that'd be fun, I could swing him around and cuddle him and it'd be fun. Maybe not right now though because everything's black and white blurs and someone's stabbing me in the arm. Not nice, why doesn't Pete stop them, he's supposed to look after me and stop people doing this to me.

Everything's even more blurry making me close my eyes and hold Pete's hand tighter as I let myself fall asleep, also now that I can't see the pretty colour my arm hurts like a bitch.


	16. Chapter 16

**Patrick's POV**

I jolt awake when there's a sudden heavy weight on my shoulder but then I get blinded by the light. Stupid windows in the middle of a stupid hospital room, whoever designed this is now the person I hate more then anything.

The weight turns out to be Pete who springs straight back off me, yanking his head away from my shoulder where he was lying and falling flat on his ass. It's totally stupid but I just start laughing as he stands up and blushes "I didn't think you'd wake up" "Well I did so come back here" "I should tell a nurse" "Give me 2 minutes with you" "I guess" "Come here"

Pete seems hesitant but slides in next to me, keeping his finger on the call button in case he needs to call the nurse. I don't know why he bothers because I'm not going to attack him or hurt him and there's nothing to hurt myself so it's fine, I'm not going to suddenly die.

"Hey Pete" "Why would you, how could you, how bloody could you" "I-" "Shut up, just shut up, how could you". He's visibly trying not to yell at me but he's tearing up which I've seen him do too much lately and I hate myself for causing him anymore pain when he's already had enough.

"Pete I'm sorry, sweetheart I'm sorry" "I need you, I wanted you to be there for me but you tried to kill yourself" "I didn't, I didn't mean to die I just wanted to hurt myself, trust me, I know how to do it right so it won't kill me" "That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt" "I'm sorry, I told you I'm fucked up just as much as you" "I need you st the moment, don't leave me like that" "It wasn't about leaving you, I just like doing it" "Why" "It feels good and the pain is amazing when your almost passing out, it's like a drug" "Stop it, that's disgusting" "I like it Pete, I can't help it" "Stop it, stop doing this" "Telling me doesn't help, that's like telling you to stop being scared of people touching you, it's not that easy" "Your stupid addiction to shredding your skin isn't the same as my abuse" "But neither of us can stop" "Liking seeing your own blood isn't like me, it just makes you a psychopath"

He slides out of bed again and starts backing towards the door as I sink back in my pillows. "I'm sorry sweetheart, please come back" "No, you'll probably kill me and drink my blood" "Wanting to hurt yourself doesn't make me a vampire" "Your scaring me" "I love you, it's not my fault I want to hurt myself"

He slams his hand frantically on the call button until a nurse comes in to check my blood pressure and change the bandages. Pete slips away so after ages of the nurse insistently checking on me she lets me get out of bed and go see where Pete went. He's sitting against the wall hugging his knees when I sit next to him but he doesn't flinch away from my arm around him which I'm glad of.

"I'm sorry" "You scared me" "I know" "I had the best day I'd had in so many years and I wanted to be with you and make it better, instead I found you cutting yourself and almost dead" "Fuck, I'm sorry" "Sorry doesn't fix your wrists" "But it can maybe stop you hating me" "I hate you but I love you" "I didn't think" "Of course you didn't" "I couldn't help myself, it was sitting right there in front of me, how could I not take it and do it" "What set it off" "There's not always some huge event to set it off, sometimes it's just the opportunity and the addiction" "That's bullshit" "I know" "Did something happen though" "Not really, I just had the opportunity and it seemed good, you had your perfect family and I had no one, I'm pretty destructive when I'm alone" "I've already offered to adopt you" "I'd still love that"

When the nurse comes back she says I'll be ok to go back to the mental hospital as long as I have Brendon with me all the time for the next week and I'm not allowed near anything sharp. It's reasonable I guess and at least they're not taking Pete away from me because that'd be the worst thing.

When we get back Brendon runs over to hug me tight then shove my shoulder hard "Asshole, how dare you" "Pete's already asked me that" "Your such an asshole" "I know" "Your not going to leave my sight for a year" "It's only supposed to be a week" "I don't care, I will literally watch you shower if I have to" "Isn't that supposed to be for Ryan" "Yeah but I've already seen him shower and he's not a danger" "Except to your asshole" "I'm a top" "Sure" "I am" "Sure Bren, sure"

He links his arm through mine and takes me into the hospital skipping happily. I swear only Brendon would hit me and tell me I'm an asshole when I get back from hospital then skip along the hall of a mental hospital with me while taking me to my therapist.

As I thought Dr Williams is waiting for me and I have to spend an hour in her room with her and Brendon trying to explain that nothing happened to set it off and that I'm fine now. Pete was a lot easier to explain to but he always understands me better then some old lady who does this as a job ever could.

Pete's waiting for me when I finish so I hug him tight and rest my chin on top of his head. I'm not supposed to be around Pete for a while because apparently it might hurt him because of what I did and because if I relapse again Pete will get upset. It sucks that I'm being kept away from Pete for a while so I hug him tight and kiss the top of his head before Dr Williams comes out and frowns at me so I have to leave him and go back to my room.

I'm basically in isolation because Brendon goes off somewhere and locks my door so I'm stuck in the room. He comes back with pills for my depression that I have to take and then let's me lie in bed even though I doubt I'll sleep for a while. I should have asked for sleeping pills too because I can never sleep well after I self harm.

The door opens when it's close to midnight and Pete slips in "Hi" "You should leave" "Are you mad at me" "No" "You just left and you didn't want to be around me, I'm sorry I was mad this morning" "I'm not mad at you and I understand why you were mad at me" "Can I get in with you, I'm still scared of the dark"

I really should obey the rules and say no and walk him back to his room but he's Pete and he's adorable terrified so I push the covers back so he can slide in next to me and sit against the headboard. "Are you ok Patty" "Yeah I'm fine" "Don't you dare do it again" "I won't, I won't" "Ok, good" "Come here, can I hold you" "Yeah, I'm just mad at you though" "Yeah I expected that"

When he's under my arm and our thighs are touching he calms down and kisses my cheek like he seems to love doing lately. "How have you been" "Terrified for you" "But apart from me" "It's been good, my mum left after we found you there because she was terrified and didn't want me being around you but I don't care" "I was supposed to stay away from you because my relapsing would hurt you, I don't want to though" "You staying away hurts me" "It hurts me too" "I like this, you make me less scared of the dark" "Because I'll fight off any night monsters that come for you" "I know you will, your my hero"

Pete's hand brushes my cheek while he shuffles around to kneel next to me "Patrick, you said you'd date me right" "Yeah, we are dating, I definitely want us to be" "Yeah, good, I thought you might have forgotten" "How could I ever forget something like that" "I dunno, thanks" "Is that what you wanted to ask me" "No actually, I wanted to ask if it's time for us to kiss" "Time for it?" "Yeah, if we've been together long enough, I don't know how this should go" "There's no time we should, everyone's different" "But for you is it time" "It's time when it feels right" "Does it feel right" "No because you don't seem to want it" "I do, that's why I asked, I wanted to know if you wanted it too" "Come here"

He leans in carefully towards my lips but I gently take hold of his upper arms and pull him down to perch on my lap "Just let it feel right sweetheart" "I don't know how it should feel" "Have you ever been kissed" "Yes" "By anyone who treated you right" "No, only my boyfriend" "Then no one's shown you how nice it can be" "It was never nice" "It can be so so nice though sweetheart" "He didn't like kissing, he said it was for stupid married couples" "No it's for people in love" "He didn't love me" "I know, he was an asshole" "I was kissed though, when we first met he kissed me then let me sleep at his house, we kissed a lot on that first day then he made me go further so I could stay another day, after that we didn't kiss" "But it wasn't nice kissing was it?" "It was rough and his hand in my hair hurt" "I'll make it feel nice if we do it" "Is it supposed to be like that, when you first met" "No, most people don't kiss that fast" "People say about waiting for marriage" "That's usually like me with sex, most people don't wait for marriage to kiss" "Oh ok, I'm ignoring all the other stuff I've done, I want to be normal"

Pete looks so gorgeous perched on my lap, sitting gently on my thighs and I can't help myself from pulling him down closer and cupping his face gently between my hands. "Pete, you gotta start this if you want it" "I can't, do it for me" "I want this sweetheart so if you do too then kiss me" "I don't want to" "If you don't want to kiss me-" "No no no I do, I just can't start it" "You'll have to, it's up to you what we do" "It's scary" "I know but your used to people telling you what to do and forcing you to do it when you say no, I will never ever be like them so I want you to be confident around me to ask for things and say no and know I'm not like them"

He sighs and looks down at me "I know you won't, I hate this though" "I know but I want this and so do you, I won't reject you, please do this for me".

His eyelashes flutter softly but he leans in and rests his forehead against mine "I love you Patrick" "I love you too sweetheart"

The door bangs open making me swear loudly then grab onto Pete and hold him against me as Dr Williams walks in and frowns at us "Pete, back to your room" "I-I-I-I'm sorry" "No apologises Pete, just go to your room" "I'm sorry, I just wanted to see him" "Your supposed to both have space" "I want space with Patrick" "That's ok but not now" "I'm scared of the dark, you know that, I need him" "Go to your room, your safe here"

She sounds gentler then she has ever been with me and Pete takes her hand and let's himself be taken back to his room as Brendon stands awkwardly by the door and mouths sorry at me when she gets back.

"Patrick you know what I said" "I love Pete and he loves me, I want to be here with him" "It could hurt him" "I won't" "Your relapsing hurt him a lot" "I know, I won't do it again" "But he needs time" "He can have time but I'm not leaving him" "I support the relationship, it's good for Pete to learn to trust a man but he does need to be able to function by himself" "He will be able to" "I'm just looking out for him, has he done this before" "Yeah" "In the dark?" "Yeah" "He comes over in the dark and trusts you to be there" "Yeah, he trusts me" "That's good, next time get him to stay in his room" "Usually I go to his but he came to me this time" "Next time take him back" "Yeah fine" "Were you going to kiss him" "He was going to kiss me, I'm not initiating anything" "You know he can't have sex" "He obviously can't" "No one knows if he's physically capable of it" "I don't care" "If you try he'll end up panicking, we don't need all this progress to go out the window" "We won't have sex, we've talked about this and it's not happening unless we get married"

She sighs and suddenly looks very old and tired "I care about him Patrick and I know you do too, we can't risk him" "I know, I'm doing everything different so I'll be different then anyone else in his life, I will never hurt him" "Let him help you too then, you hurting yourself hurts him even more, help each other" "I will" "He's let you in so let him in too"

Dr Williams pats my shoulder then leaves so Brendon can flop on my bed next to me "Your an idiot" "Why" "Ryan and Dr Williams went to give Patrick sleeping pills he forgot to take and he wasn't there, I was about to leave so they came and got me and we came here, bad planning dude" "We never got caught before" "It's cute though, cuddling and kissing at night in secret" "Yeah" "You kissed him?" "Almost" "You two are so adorable I want to vomit" "We are cute aren't we" "Yeah"

Brendon rolls off my bed and goes to head home so I turn off my light and cuddle back down in bed. I miss Pete and I hope he isn't getting in trouble for this, hopefully it'll be fine though because he shouldn't be told off for going to a place he feels safe when he's scared.


	17. Chapter 17

**Patrick's POV**

Petes waiting at our normal table when I get to breakfast and he gives me his tiny beautiful smile so I can take his hand and sit next to him. "Did you get in trouble Patty" "A bit but not as much as I expected" "Yeah, I just got told to be careful and take care of myself" "I was told to take care of you and take care of myself" "That's nice" "Yeah I know"

It's only cereal for breakfast so I eat mine and feed Pete with my spoon whenever he looks like he wants to stop eating. He's gotten so good and I'm really proud of him that he is letting me feed him and he's willing to eat when he needs to.

There's a letter waiting for him when he goes to therapy so when he comes back he sits on his bed with me as more spongebob plays in the background. "Do I open it" "Yeah, open it sweetheart" "I don't want to" "Why not" "What if it's something bad" "We'll do this together, I've got you"

With shaky hands he opens it then hands me the folded paper "Read the first sentence for me" "This is for you" "But we're doing this together, read one and I'll read one" "Ok darling, if that's what you need"

I open it a little bit as Pete clings to my arm tightly and read it out to him "Here we go, it says ' _To Mr Peter Lewis Kingston Wentz III_ '. Your turn" "No I can't" "It's fine, I'm here" "Ok ' _As you know you have recently provided new testimony against your father_ '. No no no no no, you read, I can't, I just can't"

Petes shaking now and clinging to me harder as I take the letter back and keep reading for him "' _As you know you have recently provided new testimony against your father and in light of this new information we have scheduled the new court trial for October 20th at 10am. Because you have been legally placed at Greys Mental Institution for the last 2 years your therapist - Dr Hayley Williams - will confirm whether you can attended the decided time and date. You will be providing the new testimony the police were provided with leading to the arrest of your father - Mr Peter Wentz II. The case of your previous partner - Mr Jason Sam Highlands - and evidence previously shown will also be reevaluated after these new facts. More information will arrive soon regarding the trial once Dr Williams has been in contact'"_

Pete whimpers and clings frantically onto my arm, shaking his head and attempting to hide himself under my arm. It's so sad how scared he gets but I can't touch him too much right now because he's already terrified and probably reliving all the horrible experiences he's had so it's not the time to be pushing him.

"Darling, are you ok" "No, what do you think" "I know, of course you're not ok" "I'll have to go, I'll have to see them again" "They won't touch you" "I had nightmares for a year and I still do get nightmares, I'll never get them out of my head" "I'll be there for you, I promise" "You can't be" "I don't care, I'm going to fucking come and sit there for you as long as I need to" "I don't think they'd allow it" "Then I'll annoy Dr Williams every second until she lets me come, she can just say you need me there, mental hospital gives people privileges, they're not going to object" "I don't know" "If you want me to I'll argue every second for it, it's traumatising and it'll be even worse to see those shits again, you should be allowed to have whatever and whoever you need"

He slowly looks up and slips his hand around my waist "I want you there but I don't want you hearing me talk about this, you shouldn't hear the horrible stuff and I don't want you knowing what they did" "I'll block my ears" "No" "If you want me there I'll wait in the hallway or in the parking lot or whatever, this is for you and I'll do anything that makes you even the tiniest bit happier" "It'll never be happy" "But maybe it'll make it slightly less traumatising" "Thank you" "I'd do anything for you, I just want him to be as happy as possible"

Pete spends a long time cuddling me then finally pulls away and throws the letter on the floor then sits down to straddle my lap. "We got interrupted last night so you wanna continue" "Sweetheart this isn't a good time" "But I need it" "This isn't a relationship made of desperation" "No it's made up of love and us feeling safe around each other, I trust you so I need you to make me feel safe" "Don't do this to yourself" "I need this" "This is making our relationship into desperation"

As much as I do want to kiss him and I want nothing more then to explore that beautiful mouth I'm not going to do that for our first time when he's upset and terrified about the trial. He deserves something special and romantic, not something he just uses to make himself feel better. I don't want him to regret anything and his first proper kiss with someone who treats him right won't be like this, he needs to feel protected but not in this sexual way.

"Get down Pete" "I need this" "I'll make you feel safe another way" "B-but you said you wanted to kiss me" "And I do. I would have done it last night if we weren't interrupted but not right now, this is something romantic and it's not something you do because you need something. You slept with him because you needed safety and it was just for protection, I don't think you even loved him, I'm not going to be like that. I'm going to make this special and I will look after you so you don't need to use kissing me or anything like that to try to buy my love or buy my protection"

He gets off me quickly and backs away "I'm sorry" "I'm not telling you off, I just want you to know that everything we do will be special. If you need me to look after you or you need something I'll try and be there for you, you don't have to do something for me, especially something that could trigger you or something you don't want"

I didn't want to but as he listens to me tears slowly start forming in Pete's eyes and he looks away as one falls down his cheek. "I'm sorry" "I don't want you to apologise, I'm not mad" "I know, I'm still sorry" "There's nothing to apologise for sweetheart" "There is, I'm so messed up and you have to even come to court with me because of my fuck ups. I can't even give you anything in return, why are you with me" "Because I love you" "There's nothing to love" "Well to me there's everything"

Easily Pete fits into my arms and kisses my cheek before laying his head on my chest "I'm sorry" "Stop, stop apologising" "You don't even know what I'm apologising for" "But I have a good idea and none of the things you will be apologising for matter" "They do" "Your so stubborn" "I'm not trying to be, I'm sorry" "It's so sad how your like this, I like your stubbornness but I wish you'd see reason, I care about you, things from the past won't change that"

As the ending credits of the forgotten spongebob episode play Pete looks up and I kiss his forehead "I will protect you, never doubt that" "Thank you" "Don't forget yourself, you're stronger then you'll ever know" "I'm so weak" "Only because you believe you are" "Stop being so good to me" "I want to be good"

We stand there hugging and just enjoying each other until Ryan comes with pills for Pete and I have to leave him there with another forehead kiss and a whisper of how much I love him.


	18. Chapter 18

**Patrick's POV**

This stress is really not helpful right now. Pete has to go to trial and see the men who hurt him in only a week and he's constantly stressed about it and I feel awful for him. I'm stressed just thinking about it so I can only imagine how bad he must be feeling about having to do this and relive everything in front of the people who did it and in front of a bunch of random people who'll decide the outcome of everything.

Stress doesn't do good things to me so every time I'm not with Pete I'm just trying not to hurt myself because it's the only way to get rid of the stress. Pete doesn't need that though and he doesn't need to be worried about me when he's the one having all this happen in his life.

One night when I honestly can't help myself from almost hurting myself I end up at Pete's door quietly knocking and hoping he's not asleep and won't mind me coming.

He's yawning and his eyes are thick with sleep when he opens the door and I can't help but sigh at how cute he is. "Hey" "It's midnight" "Not quite" "It's almost midnight" "Yeah, I just wanted to see you" "You don't need to check up on me, I'm ok" "I know, I just needed to see you" "Did Dr Williams or Ryan tell you to" "I needed you myself, I'm not doing this because someone told me to, I don't need an excuse to come see you, do you mind me being here" "No, I couldn't sleep anyway"

He pushes the door back for me to come in and gets back in bed while I sit on his bed against the wall with my legs draped over his.

"Did you need something?" "Yeah I just wanted to see you" "You woke me at night for that?" "I thought you couldn't sleep" "But I was happy in bed"

We end up in a slightly awkward silence and I know I should talk to him but it's just slightly awkward because he doesn't seem to want me here. Dr Williams did say that it would help both of us if we open up to each other and after all the opening up Pete's done I should try opening up too. Maybe it will just make things worse but he should know I trust him and maybe she's right and it'll help us.

"I came here because I wanted to hurt myself, you make it stop" I mumble then keep picking at the edge of Pete's blanket. "Really?" "Mhm" "I'm sorry" "It's ok sweetheart, you don't have to apologise" "I know, it's just an instinct" "I don't mind, just know that you don't have to apologise for things you can't control, you've done nothing wrong"

When he opens his arms I crawl into them and wrap my body around his. I wonder if he's ever cuddled like this and been spooned before because I never have. Casual relationships are so different from this because this isn't just some quick romance or something I'd be fine with loosing, I do care for Pete, he's the first person to make me believe that self harming makes pain worse not better. Pete probably has cuddled like this but hopefully this is different. Being forcibly held by someone after they forced you to have sex with them is so different then choosing to be in someone's arms. He's chosen to be in mine and he's said he wants me here, I hope this feels so much better then forcing himself to let someone touch him just because it's the least violent of his two options.

"Does it happen a lot" "Lately yeah, it's pretty shit" "I've never self harmed so I don't know the feeling, other people harmed me so I didn't want to do it to myself as well, it wasn't worth it" "Good, you don't deserve it" "Your so good to me" "And your even better to me" "Why do you keep wanting to do it" "I don't know, sometimes I just stress out and it seems like the only option" "I'm stressing you out" "No, just everything that's happening, you make me happy, just like right now"

My hand trails down to his waist to rub slowly at the tiny bit of skin exposed by his shirt. It's dangerously close to a danger zone and close to breaking the below the waist rule but Pete is so comforting and warm that if someone made a teddy bear of him I'd probably buy it.

"Patrick" "Yeah sweetheart" "Are you coming to the trial" "I haven't said anything to Dr Williams but if you want me there then I want to go" "I need you there, it'll be a nightmare and I need you there to keep me safe" "There'll be police officers and people making sure your safe" "But they can't hug me as I cry or keep the nightmares away or whisper to me and tell me they love me, your the only one who does that"

"I wanna tell you something, Dr Williams said we need to try being independent and I think we do. It's good to trust each other but if one of us does something or has something happen we need to be able to function by ourselves" "Are you breaking up with me" "No way in hell, I just think I shouldn't be in the court room, I'll wait in the hall and be there the second you want me but this is your battle to face. You have me and Ryan and Brendon and Dr Williams and your mother behind you but you need to do this for yourself, you can scare your own nightmares away"

This will be hard for Pete and I have no doubt he'll cry on the stand and it could be bad but he needs this. He needs to know he has people supporting him even when he's on his own and to see how strong he can be. When he tells his story and face the people who hurt him he won't need me to be there constantly because he can protect himself, I know he can. He'll be right in front of the people he's been running from for years and see that they can't hurt him and that they'll never be able to do anything again, it'll give him the strength to believe in himself.

"You'll be there though right?" "Yes, I'll be there and Ryan will be there and your mother and anyone you want" "Why can't you be in the room" "You need to face your own battles, I believe in your strength. Also I want you to tell me your story in your own way, I don't want to hear it forced out of you in front of everyone, it's your choice to let me hear it"

I've basically forgotten the whole reason I came, to be intimate with Pete and trust him enough to talk to him because he needs support more then me. I've got off easy because everything I can use to hurt myself is kept away and my parents haven't returned so I'm safe here. Pete was too and now he's being pulled from his safe zone and forced back to somewhere he'll feel unsafe, maybe he'll finally overcome it though and he might go back to a normal life.

"I think I'm ready to do it, I don't want them to be right in front of me but I'm ready to do it" "I know you are, my brave little darling" "I love you so so so much" "I love you a million times more" "Please don't hurt yourself, you don't deserve to do that" "I haven't done it since I ended up in hospital, I scratch myself sometimes and I want to do it but I haven't" "Good, I'll be here if you want to talk or you need someone to talk you out of it" "I know and that's why I'm so happy with this relationship, we can talk to each other and help each other, it's not one sided, we both love each other"

Pete cuddles down into bed and hugs onto a little pink teddy bear tightly as I spoon him. "Is that new Pete" "Yeah, it's from my mommy" "Your so cute" "I named it Patty, it's supposed to be like you to help me sleep" "Does it help" "A little, I haven't got nightmares in the last couple of nights after she sent it to me" "That's good" "I wish you could stay with me but at least I have this" "Your honestly the cutest thing baby, I'm so glad your mine and I'm so glad I comfort you so much" "Please don't call me baby" "Why" "He called me baby boy" "Who" "Asshole who didn't fuck my mom" "That's an interesting description but ok, I won't, go to sleep now darling because I need to go back to my room" "Don't hurt yourself" "I won't" "Ok, I'll see you tomorrow"


	19. Chapter 19

**Patrick's POV**

It's finally the day Pete has to go to court and it's been a week of begging, pleading, crying and poking myself in the eye to make myself cry even more but Dr Williams agreed to get me go. I'm so happy and Pete spends a while just hugging me and kissing my neck when I tell him which totally makes it worth it.

It's a long drive mostly spent cuddling Pete's fragile body while us and Ryan play eye spy out the window. He's let straight into a chamber behind the courtroom where me and Ryan will wait and his mother and Dr Williams go to sit in the stands.

We wait about 20 minutes mostly spent by me and Ryan telling bad jokes and holding one of Pete's shaking hands each. Too soon he's called out and I have to kiss the top of his head one last time before letting him go to face everyone.

**Pete's POV**

There is no way in hell it'll make it any better for Patrick to stay out of the room but it's what he wants so I have to do this alone.

A female police officer leads me to the box next to the judge and I sit there staring at the wood on the desk and refusing to look up. I know my father and Jason will be there and I don't want to look. There's thick glass separating us and probably plenty of police officers around me and them but it's still much too close. They're too close and I can't handle getting hurt again.

It starts off with the prosecution lawyer lady asking me for my name and age and asking how I am today so I get more comfortable and lift my eyes to hers, still not looking out at everyone else.

"So Pete, can you tell us about these men"   
"They're my father and ex boyfriend"  
"You dated Jason right?"   
"Yes, we technically dated for a while"   
"How long?"  
"More then 6 months, less then a year though, 8 maybe"  
"How did that happen?"  
"I needed protection from my father so I met him in town one day when I had run away and he said he'd take care of me"  
"How old were you?"   
"12"  
"You know that is illegal and anything that happened between you two would be considered statutory rape"  
"I didn't really know, I knew he was older but he offered protection and he said he'd love me and take care of me and I wouldn't get hurt anymore so I didn't care"  
"Did he tell you"   
"He didn't say anything about it being illegal, I think my dad called him a pervert and said he was illegal but so was what my dad did so I just didn't care"

She nods and let's me brush my eyes to get rid of the tears forming before we keep going. She's being really nice and not asking anything mean because I've already done this for my boyfriend the first time and she was defending me last time too so she knows. I like this lady and she just wants to show people I'm sincere and that they did a terrible thing to a child.

"What about you dad, when did he first hurt you?"  
"I don't really know, he always pushed me around and said stuff and treated me bad but the first time he properly beat me I think I was 9, or something around that"  
"Why did he do it?"   
"I dropped a stack of plates and they smashed and cut my foot, he got mad and said I was useless so he beat me up"  
"Did he do it regularly after that?"   
"Yeah it was only a little bit at first and a few hits then after a few months it became regular beating for no real reason except he called me a faggot and didn't like me"  
"Thank you for being so good with this Pete, you can get me to stop at any time you know. When did he first touch you sexually?"  
"I was 11, it was more then a year after he started hitting me. My mom was out of town with my brother and it was just us in the house. He came at night and made me put my mouth on him then released in my mouth, he did that a couple of times then went on to sex"  
"Did your mother know?"  
"She saw him push me around and be mean sometimes and always said to stop and they argued over it sometimes but she didn't know about anything else. I think she might have suspected that he hit me but I denied it so I guess she couldn't do a lot. She didn't know he came at night and did sexual things to me, I couldn't tell her and she never noticed anything"  
"I'm so sorry Pete"   
"It's ok"   
"What about did she know about Jason"  
"No, no one did, I told her I was at a friends"  
"When did he first do things to you"  
"The first night I met him he took me home and we kissed and he let me stay at his house and we slept together in bed. The next day I went home and my dad hit me so I went back but he said I had to have sex with him if I wanted to stay so I let him and he let me stay"  
"What happened then"   
"I did that every time my dad hurt me and sometimes he'd just tell me to come over and I would"  
"Was it consensual"  
"At first it kind of was because I didn't like it and it hurt but I let him because I needed to stay with him so he'd protect me. Then I started not wanting it and he'd just do it anyway and pin me down then throw me on the floor because he didn't want me sleeping there with him after I resisted it"  
"How did it end"   
"Jason came to my house because I was trying to avoid him and wasn't answering his calls. He was mad and I said no to sleeping with him so he pinned me down and did it anyway. My dad came home and found us and joined in so they both raped me then left me there. I was bleeding and it hurt so I went to the doctors to try to find out how to stop the bleeding but they freaked out and called the police. I didn't want to say about my dad so I just said it was Jason"

She smiles and says that's all then goes back to her seat while the rooms silent and the jury murmur to each other. It's pretty lame that I'm actually letting tears fall down my face like a weak idiot but last time the lawyer told me not to hide it because it makes people more sympathetic if they see a child crying. She doesn't want them getting out of prison for the rest of their lives so the more we make the jury hate them the better. They messed me up and they deserve to pay for it, I don't want them getting a light sentence when I'm going to be screwed up all my life.

Before the defence lawyer talks to me, which was a lot more brutal last time, I'm allowed to go back and wrap myself in Patrick's arms and let Ryan tell more bad jokes. The door is purposefully left open so most of the jury can see me crying in Patrick's arms as he holds me close. I guess seeing me totally break down will make them see just how messed up I am and how true everything I say is so there's no doubt that they'll say they're guilty.

After a while of hugging I have to go back and I end up clinging to Patrick again. I'm so needy and I bet he hates it but he kisses my head again and again until I feel so safe and protected and I can let myself be walked away from him and blow him a kiss as the door closes


	20. Chapter 20

**Pete's POV**

Everyone's looking at me when I walk back out so I blush and sit down while the two lawyers for my father and Jason talk quickly then one of them walks forward.

"So Pete, after 2 years you only just decided to tell anyone about your father"  
"Yeah"  
"Why?"  
"I was embarrassed"   
"Not too embarrassed about Jason"  
"My boyfriend hurting me is different from my father, I was still embarrassed but it wasn't as hard"  
"How can we trust your not still hiding things?"   
"Because there's no one else in my life, no one else has hurt me"   
"What about that boy back there, are we going to be back in trial in another year when you claim he assaulted you too"

I can't believe this guy. Just because two people hurt me before doesn't mean I'll end up in court from every relationship I'm in. It wasn't my choice and I'm starting to learn that it wasn't my fault that I got taken advantage of. People always said that defence lawyers are always horrible because they want to make witnesses and victims seem like idiots and put the blame on them but this sucks. I didn't think they'd be so mean because I thought it was obvious I was telling the truth but some people are just mean

"Patrick won't hurt me"  
"How do we know you won't pretend he did"  
"I'm not pretending, he's totally different and that's irrelevant"   
"You just seem to set your boyfriends up"  
"I had one boyfriend who assaulted me and raped me, that's not my fault and it's not a set up"  
"Your making it seem like it is"  
"No I'm not, it's obvious that he did and there's scientific evidence that shows me assaulted me. He raped me and beat me and assaulted me and I was only 12. That's so many accusations and things he got arrested on that are still there even though my dad did it too so I don't know what your asking"

Shaking my head I get out of my chair and back up "I need to go". A police officer tries to stop me but I pull away from his hand and run over to yank at the handle of the door. I can't open it but Patrick opens it from the other side and looks at me worriedly as I throw myself into his arms.

I spend a while just standing in the door way, feeling everyone's eyes on me as Patrick whispers softly to me and slowly pries my arms off him and leads me back to the desk. I still need another minute of holding onto his hand as he runs his fingers across my knuckles before I can let him leave and be ok by myself again.

"So you do have another boyfriend"  
"Shut up, it's none of your business"  
"Haven't you been in a mental hospital, I didn't think sexual relationships were allowed"  
"It's not sexual"  
"You claim mental health issues then go get another boyfriend straight away, this isn't going to give a good impression"  
"He loves me and he protects me like Jason was supposed to, I didn't think it was wrong to fall in love and let a person help me, Dr Williams knows and she supports it"  
"Does she know what your hospital records say and how much surgery and healing you went through, is any of this a good idea?"  
"Whether I have sex with a man I'm in love with is none of your business. We're not having sex and if we do he loves me and it doesn't matter what's happened to me, he'll love me anyway even if they broke me"

I'm crying again for the hundredth time today and I just want him to go away so when the other defence lawyer steps up to take his place I'm slightly glad because at least he can't be much worse.

"So Pete, we just have a few more questions"  
"Please stop talking about Patrick, I'm allowed to move on and try to find love, I'm not that broken"  
"No, that's your business, it won't change this trial"  
"Thank you"  
"What happened last time we were here?"  
"Jason went to jail"  
"Yes but obviously you said nothing about your father, did you lie?"  
"I never lied, everything he did to me was the same I just didn't say why I went to his house and the only time they ever interacted was the last time. I didn't lie about that, Jason did rape me in my room then when he left I went to the doctors because I was bleeding, none of that was a lie"  
"Why didn't you say anything?"  
"I was embarrassed I said that, my own father raped me and took advantage of me and hurt me, how was I supposed to say that"  
"That's all it was, embarrassment?"   
"Yes"  
"You haven't seen him since that day or been in contact"   
"Only when he got brought in for me to identify"  
"You haven't seen him in 2 years?"   
"No, otherwise I'd be a mess, it took me ages to get over seeing him again like that"

They ask a bunch more annoying intrusive questions to try to make it seem like I'm lying but Jason's sentence probably won't change so there's not a lot they can do for him.

At the end the jury deliberates then comes back to tell us that my dad gets the same sentence as Jason and they'll both be in prison for the next 50 years so I'm happy and can leave. Patrick grabs onto me and we stand there hugging for ages before Ryan tells us to get a room so we pull away and just hold hands.

The ride back is so so great and I feel strong for the first time in ages. When the judge said the verdict I actually looked my father in the eye and showed him I wasn't afraid and now I'm free. I can be with Patrick and I can get better and I can try to live my life properly now.

We're allowed into the garden when we get back so while Ryan and Brendon make out around the corner I sit with Patrick on a low branch of a tree and move my lips along his neck. I want to kiss him so badly but every time I've tried we've gotten interrupted or he turned me down so I'm too scared to try that again. Patrick probably never will do it because he said he's not comfortable initiating when I wouldn't be able to say no to him but I wish he would. I'm too awkward to try to to ask him if he wants to do it too so we end up sitting together in comfortable silence watching birds hop around on the grass.

It'd be so horrible if I ruined this happy day and made everything awkward by asking if he wants to kiss me when he doesn't. It's a nice place and it's romantic and sweet being here with him and asking to kiss would make it weird. I'd be humiliated if he had to turn me down again and it'd be even worse if he thought all I cared about was the sexual side of it. He's asexual so I don't want to make things uncomfortable by not understanding what he means by that. I don't know if that means he doesn't like kissing as well as sex and there's no way I can ask without seeming like a stupid kid having to get him to explain.

I really want this though and he's my boyfriend so I should be comfortable with him. He's not Jason and if I do something bad or wrong he'll just tell me and not be mad, I can't be scared of him because that's not a relationship, I'm not going to be like this anymore.

"Patty" "Yeah darling" "Can I ask you something and can you promise not to get mad or uncomfortable" "Sure" "Um..... I wanted to..... Kiss you but I didn't wanna make this awkward. I like being here and holding hands and being romantic and I'm not just here for the sexual stuff but...... I just thought maybe it would be nice for a kiss but maybe not......"

I tried so hard to not make it awkward but I just made it even worse because I was awkward while trying to not make him feel awkward.

"Your so cute Pete" "I'm sorry" "Sweetheart you don't need to apologise, you've done nothing wrong, I know it's just something your used to doing but you don't have to apologise to me" "I'm trying not to" "I don't mind it, it's just who you are" "So..... Is that a no to kissing" "It's a yes" "Really?" "Yeah, your beautiful and if that's what you want then I've been wanting it since we got together so I'm totally willing"

I watch him awkwardly for a minute as he scoots closer to me with his legs either side of the branch. We're both straddling the branch so he can get close to me and take both my hands in his "Do you want to kiss" "Yes" "This isn't because your scared is it, or you want to forget this or feel protected" "I don't just need this because I need protection, I still like having you to protect me but I can protect myself a little bit. Today showed me that and I feel like maybe I'm actually strong, I'm not a weak loser who lets people hurt him, I can stand up for myself and this is what I want, it's not for anything else"

Patrick smiles and cups my face in both hands as he leans in for my lips. I close my eyes when I feel his soft breath on my face but there's a shout from below and the branch shakes as Brendon hops on behind Patrick.

"Ooh what's going on here, sexy times in a tree". With a huff Patrick pulls away from me and glares at Brendon "Your an asshole, I actually hate you" "Don't pretend our love doesn't exist baby" "Your stupid" "Love you toooooo". Patrick shoves Brendon's shoulder making him fall onto the ground a couple of feet below and lie there pouting as Ryan looks down at his boyfriend.

"Sorry sweetheart" "It's ok Patrick, maybe another time" "I love you" "Love you too". He kisses me on the forehead then hops down to gently kick Brendon in the side then laugh as Brendon grabs his ankle and pulls him to the ground.

I stay in the tree for a while watching Patrick lie there with his best friend laughing and fake fighting below me. I wish we could have kissed because this could have been the perfect time. I feel so strong and brave and happier then ever so this was the best time to kiss Patrick and take this step with him.

The only other time we get privacy is at night but if he comes to my room and we get close and intimate I don't know how I'll handle it. Being alone with him with no one near to help and being so vulnerable in the dark is scary. He's still my Patrick but it's terrifying no matter how much I trust him, he's a man who wants things from me and who could overpower me so I can't put myself in the position. Alone in the dark in my bed while we kiss is a place where most people would go further but legally, mentally and physically I can't do that and disappointing Patrick would kill me.

Patrick looks up at me and reaches out a hand for me to take as he helps me down from my perch on the branch. We all walk back inside and go to dinner as I keep trying to find a way to make another romantic moment where I'll have the balls to ask Patrick for a kiss again.


	21. Chapter 21

**Patrick's POV**

I was really looking forward to spending today with Pete because it's the day after his trial but when I wake up he's gone with his mother and her boyfriend so I'm stuck with Brendon. I wouldn't mind at all since he's my best friend but he leaves instantly to take Ryan somewhere so I don't really have a lot to do.

I haven't hung out with Vic, Jaime and Tay in a while but when I find Jaime he's with a blonde girl and says that Tay was released from the hospital a couple of days ago and Vic's in therapy. Jaime looks busy with the girl so I leave and find some more books to read. This time there no one there with boxes or sharp things for me to steal so I just find some new books and hole up in my room reading.

It's 2am and I'm still reading when I realise that Pete hasn't come back and said anything to me so maybe he's ignoring me. Hopefully it wasn't the kiss that freaked him out because he said he wanted it so I didn't think it would freak him out too bad.

I wrap my blankets around me and make the familiar walk to Pete's room. I love having someone who's my friend and my boyfriend so close and I can just go over and see him whenever I want. If we went to normal school or mer somewhere else this would be impossible but because he's so close by I can go over at night and see him whenever I want, it's really nice.

No one answers when I knock on the door so I slip in the door quietly and go over to his bed. He's obviously awake because he's staring at the ceiling but he doesn't look over at me until I put a hand on his forehead. "Are you ok Pete? Are you sick?" "I'm ok" "Can I come in?" "In my bed?" "Yes" "You can if you want"

I crawl in next to him and slip an arm over his shoulders "Are you sure your ok" "Yeah, just thinking" "Tell me what your thinking about" "Stuff" "What kind of stuff" "Relationship stuff" "As in our relationship?" "Yes" "What are you thinking about it" "How hard it is" "I don't want this to be hard for you, it shouldn't be stressful" "But the only other time I've been with someone I didn't want the relationship but I needed it so I stayed and he stayed for the easy sex whenever he wanted it. You have nothing to stay for, soon you'll get released from here and go back to your life and find someone else to love and I'll be here still loving you. I'll take ages to get out because I'm too messed up but when I do I'll come looking for you and you'll have someone else and it'll break my heart because I love you so much but you don't feel the same"

It's kind of sad because he's obviously thought this through very well and I don't want him thinking about this. He shouldn't think so certainly about me leaving him because I wasn't planing on it any time soon.

"That's totally wrong" "I know it's not" "I love you too, don't think this" "I love you but no one could love me back" "But I do, don't think this" "You should date Brendon" "I don't want Brendon, he's my best friend but he has Ryan and I don't like him like that" "I love you" "I love you too" "I'm sorry, I get insecure at night, I shouldn't bother you" "It doesn't bother me, if you need me to tell you that I want you and love you then I gladly will"

He rolls onto his side and smiles "You make me feel so much better" "I'm glad, I like how you were yesterday because you were happy and confident and you were sure about yourself, I like you like that because I can see you without all your fear"

Our faces are so close but Pete pulls away and sighs "Sorry I shouldn't do that" "Do what" "Get that close" "I like it" "Are we kissing?" "Not if you ask like that" "Sorry" "It's ok sweetheart, I just don't want this to be something hard, we both want to kiss so if it happens then it happens, it shouldn't stress you out"

With his eyes closed Pete shuffles back over so our heads are together on the pillow then let's my hands come up to his face. "I've been thinking about this all day, I didn't want to do this at night because it scared me but I trust you" "You were thinking about me?" "I think about you a lot, I was scared to do this though" "Why darling" "My dad did it at night and often Jason so I'm so vulnerable at night because I'm scared of the dark but you make me happy, I trust you"

He whispers "I trust you" a few times before he relaxes into my hands on him and his arm falls around my waist. Pete's pretty pink lips are open slightly and he's biting on the bottom one so I gently lean in so our noses brush. "You sure you want this" "Don't you dare back out right now Patrick, not after saying you want this and letting me want this too"

I smile and breathe gently on his lips so they open again in shock before I lean in all the way to connect our lips. It's short and sweet and after a couple of seconds I pull away and smile still the beautiful boy "Your so beautiful" "Is that a kiss" "Not really, I kind of just put my lips on yours because I was too nervous about this" "Kiss me, properly, I want to have a proper kiss with a guy I really like and trust when I know nothing more is going to happen"

This time he meets me half way and our lips move over each other as I hold his face in my hands and suck on his lips. My last boyfriend never liked me biting or sucking at him like this but Pete sinks into it and pushes his warm body up against mine. After a long time of slow making out Pete opens his mouth to softly moan against mine so I can slip my tongue in and twirl mine against his.

It's beautiful and hot and wet just like I thought and it's the most amazing thing I've ever done. Nothing can compare to lying in bed with a guy you love kissing his glorious mouth because it's honestly amazing. I love this kid so much and all the shit in my life is worth it now, it would have been nice if I hadn't been treated so bad but Pete makes everything ok.

"I love you" "You say that a lot Patty but I love you too so much" "Can I stay with you tonight" "Definitely" "You trust me so stay here with you right" "I trust you with everything" "Good darling, your so beautiful"

We kiss for a while longer then settle down with Pete's head tucked up in my neck and my arms around his waist holding him close. He never seems very small but when he's like this he seems to shrink and he's just a tiny innocent angel in my arms which I love. When his breath evens out to show he's fallen asleep me makes these little snuffling noises every time he breathes out which I love more then anything. He's so tiny and young and beautiful and he's mine. He used to be a little fragile flower for me to love and protect but now he seems stronger, we can protect each other and we can get out of here together, hopefully he isn't sick of me when we leave.


	22. Chapter 22

**Patrick's POV**

Pete wakes me up in the morning by kissing below my ear and dragging his tongue slowly down to my collarbone as I wake up. His lips keep working softly at the bare skin as my hands slide up to hold his hair as he does. It feels really good and Pete's teeth occasionally catch against my skin making a mark and making me moan every time.

Dr Williams probably wouldn't mind too much that we're together right now but I still grab the corner of his sheet and shove it in my mouth to muffle my moans.

Fucking hell Pete's mouth is amazing so when his lips slip up towards mine I let the sheet go and pull him close to me. He squeaks when I grab his hips, giving me access to his mouth again as I push my tongue against his and roll myself on top of him. One of my hands braces against his hip and the other links with his hand and pins it down by his head to steady myself above him. Pete's other hand wraps around my neck holding me to the kiss and deepening it every time I even think about pulling away.

We kiss until my lips are going numb and I'm out of breath and have to pull away to kiss Pete's forehead "Your so good at that" "You think so?" "Yeah, your amazing". I kiss his forehead again and squeeze my hand on his hip as I smile down at the beautiful boy under me. Pete gets steadily more flustered though with his eyes soon full of tears but when I try to touch his shoulder to ask if he's ok he recoils from me and a tear falls down his face.

Immediately I get off him and sit up to run a hand in his hair "Sweetheart, sweetheart did I do something?" "I..... I just..... I just got scared, I'm sorry so please don't be mad" "I'm not mad, I'm just worried I did something" "Your good to me, I know you would never hurt me but......." "But it's happened before so your just scared" "Yeah"

Pete lets me lie back with him and put a gentle hand on his hip "You can just say your not comfortable with something, don't make yourself upset over it because you shouldn't have to cry over me" "I don't like saying no" "But this is different, I'll back off the second you tell me to" "You were on top of me...... If I said no you could just stay there and keep going" "I didn't think the kissing was bad" "It's not but...... You want more" "No, Pete when are you 16" "In a few days" "Ok, I thought Ryan said something about that. Your too young for this, it's another whole year before your old enough to do this with me" "That doesn't matter" "It does, if your not legally old enough to do this and your not old enough to consent we will not do it, it's not a question. Even if we both wanted it we wouldn't because you are not old enough. Neither of us do though so just enjoy this because until our honeymoon this isn't happening" "Honeymoon? You really wanna marry me" "I certainly wouldn't object to it"

With a shaky breath he kisses me gently again and tugs on my wrist "Let's keep going then, I can't have sex but other things don't count" "They do, nothing sexual" "I'm a disappointment" "No, if anything I'm a disappointment because I'm the one saying no, you want this but I keep saying no, this isn't your problem" "If you want something-" "If I want something I'll tell myself to get over it"

I think I might have upset him a bit by turning him down again even though I've told him many times I can't do this so I take his waist again and pull him over to straddle me. I'm sitting up now trying to hide the boner he's given me so maybe sitting on my lap is a bad idea but when he's on top of me I sink into his pillows and my arms go around his waist.

"Petey, do you want to kiss, I promise it'll be nothing more" "I can do more" "But I can't, I don't want any sex, this isn't just you, you can't do it but neither can I" "Ok, no sex and nothing sexual, just us and kissing" "Now that's an idea I definitely like"

This time I tilt my head when he leans for my lips so I end up sucking on his neck and my hands are griping at his hips and slipping under his shirt. He's warm from being in bed and the soft moans he tries to hide with his hand are beautiful so I end up sucking harder to make marks just to keep hearing that moan. I get a bit carried away because by the time I pull away and we smile at each other he's got marks all up the left side of his neck that I giggle at and trace with my thumb.

"God your gorgeous" "I love you, I've said it a million times and I'll say it a million more, I love you". I love how confident he is now about saying he loves me and I just wanna scream to everyone in the world that he loves me.

I let Pete lead as he pushes our lips back together harder this time and his hands both grip onto my hair. He grinds down on me slightly which doesn't help the boner he must have noticed by now but everything's so beautiful I don't notice Ryan at the door until he coughs loudly. Pete pulls away but stays on my lap and pulls the blankets of his bed further up around us.

"Hi Ry" "I thought you two weren't allowed in each other's rooms anymore" "No we just weren't supposed to spend the night together" "Did you?" "Maybe a little bit". Ryan laughs and shakes his head, Brendon's looking for you Pat so I'll tell him to give you guys a minute to...... Finish off". Wiggling his eyebrows he leaves so I've got a very embarrassed Pete in my lap and a boner that Brendon will give me shit over for the rest of my life.

"D-Do you have a hard on Patty?" "Maybe" "Is it from me?" "Your the only one here" "Oh wow" "I love you so much and you do turn me on a lot, no ones done this to me in a long time, I don't think anyone's actually done this to me ever" "The kissing or the hard on?" "Both of them" "We have a few minutes, what should I do?" "Absolutely nothing" "I can't leave you like this, it's my fault and....... I c-can do this"

He slides down off the bed to his knees and looks up at me from the floor "Patty your human and your a teenage boy, I know you need this and I've done it before" "But that doesn't mean you have to do it for me" "It does, I did it when they told me to because I was scared and now you need this from me too so I will. I did it for them after they treated me so bad so I should do it for you after you've been perfect, I'm not scared, I trust you"

He's so obviously scared it's ridiculous, there is no way that he can say he's not scared because he looks terrified. He's on his knees, somewhere he probably never wanted to be again and he's actually offering me to give me something illegal just because he turned me on. I'm trying to help him but he's so hard to teach because his submissiveness has literally been beaten into him and this is how he does things.

"Petey what did I say" "You don't have to be responsible, I wanna do this, I'm good at it, I promise" "I don't care, it's irrelevant whether your the best or the worst at this, I'm asexual and your illegal, I've said this"

I'm trying to be so nice with this because I know how much it sucks when people turn you down and say no to something you offer, especially when he's offering something this special. He's still upset though and sits back on his heels "Don't you want me?" "I do, just not in a sexual way" "I promise I'll be good" "Baby anything with you will be good, not right now though, I don't want anything like this until marriage" "Is it me?" "No it's me, it would be the same with everyone"

Pete slowly gets up and perches back on my lap "Sorry" "You do not need to apologise" "I know, I feel bad though" "Don't, don't feel bad just because of who we are, your so beautiful". He shakes his head with a giggle and we kiss softly until Ryan comes back and tells us to break it up.

He leaves again after telling me that if either of us has taken off any clothing the next time he comes he'll kill us both on the spot.

I still kiss Pete a bit more then pull us to our feet "Please stop offering sex ok, I don't know if you want it or just feel pressured or that's what you think a relationship is but I'm not doing it. I know its embarrassing for you if I say no and it's embarrassing for me to have to say that, please don't offer sweetheart" "Ok I won't" "Do you really want it, do you want to blow me or have sex?" "Kinda but it's more about intimacy, I don't want to right now and I don't want to have that happen, I don't know it I'm broken and I couldn't handle it if you tried and I was" "I don't care, I don't care if you are or not, it'll always be about intimacy and love ok, I will never ever have a quick fuck with you" "Ok, thank you"

He goes towards the door to get Ryan but stops and turns back to me "If we're not having sex do you wanna take pictures of me naked" "W-w-what" "I can't have sex but you deserve to see my body if you want and everybody likes to have an assurance so you can have pictures" "I-I-I...... What?" "They both did it so I could never leave and I'd be scared to tell so you can because I love you, if you have them you'll know I won't ever leave you" "That's total bullshit, I don't want to know you'll never leave because I have something that I can blackmail you with, I want to know that if we love each other enough we'll stay together" "That's what it'll be, I love you enough to give you that, I can't do anything else so it would be a gift for you, if you want it"

Sometimes this relationship is really really not easy and I'm not a therapist or a counsellor and I have no clue how to deal with Pete. There are so many problems in this plan that he refuses to see just because he's so determined to give me something and please me. Pete's so young and I think he's trying to prove that he's more then just a kid but I like him being young. He's beautiful and innocent and I love him a lot so he doesn't need to get naked or have sex to convince me he's mature enough for me, he doesn't need to prove anything to me.

"Pete, why are you trying so hard for this" "I need you to stay and if you have them you will" "But what about you, if we decide we aren't right together then you'll force yourself to stay and be upset just because I have that" "That's ok" "No, it's not ok, maybe one day if you want this you can let me see you naked but I will never ever take pictures" "What if you want them, I don't mind" "But I do, I don't like the idea of having those and if you want to give me something then write me something or tell me how you feel, that's so much better. Plus we don't have cameras or phones and Dr Williams would literally explode if you said that's why you wanted one"

We're still in pyjamas but I pull him out of the room before he keeps arguing for it so I can maybe try to show him some sense.


	23. Chapter 23

**Patrick's POV**

Pete has to go to therapy so I don't have more then a few minutes to hold him and reassure him for the tenth time that it's not his fault he can't have sex and I do love him and I'm not going to leave him because of it.

I should tell Dr Williams that he doesn't seem to be getting a lot better but it'll be awkward. How am I supposed to tell her that I snuck into his room in the middle of the night, made out with him then had to talk him out of giving me a blowjob. I know it's her job and all so she won't be mean but that's just so awkward, I'm pretty sure she doesn't get paid enough to listen to my crap about how unprepared I am for a relationship. When I do end up in the chair opposite her though I end up just blabbing my mouth off because I don't wanna screw things up with Pete and she knows him best. She might not know about how to have a relationship with him but maybe it'll help if she tells me what I should say to not upset him.

"Dr Williams" "Yes Patrick" "Can I ask about Pete?" "What about him" "Is he ok right now, you can't talk about the sessions you have with him but is he ok?" "He seems very happy, you seem to be making him really happy" "Do you guys talk about personal stuff?" "Depends if he feels comfortable talking to me about it" "Did he say anything about our relationship, like sex type things"

She stares at me for a few minutes so I squirm awkwardly then finally replies "No he didn't, why?" "I was just wondering" "You know his age?" "Yeah" "And that he can't have sex right now for a lot of reasons" "I know and I don't want it and I know he can't but he sometimes offers it and it's weird, I know he doesn't want it and can't do it but yeah" "You haven't done anything right" "We kissed but I've said nothing sexual unless we get married because that's always been what I promised myself" "Whys it a problem" "He offers it, this morning we were kissing and he just offered sex and I said no and he got on his knees and offered to blow me" "Did he?" "I said no and I said there's no way that's happening but I feel like I hurt him. He's been abused and forced to do things like that all his life but now he's comfortable enough around me to offer to do that for me and I just reject him. I don't want to but I don't want to do anything sexual and I don't want him forcing himself to do that, I hate upsetting him though and he always gets sad when I say no no matter how nice I try to be"

This is a really awkward conversation I forced myself into because I doubt a 40 year old married woman can help with my dramatic gay teen problem of not wanting a blowjob.

"Just say no, Pete will understand" "I do but one day he'll offer and I'll just let him do it because he offered and I don't want to say no then I'll be uncomfortable and he might freak out and I don't want that" "Should I get him back here to talk about it" "No way, your like his mother here and he'll be so weirded out if he knows I was telling you about our private life" "If you need help I'm always here" "Thanks, is there anything I can do to make him stop" "Just talk to him if he tries again maybe" "I always say that it's not his fault and I'm not just babying him because he got hurt before, I actually just don't want anything sexual so even if he was totally healthy I still would say no"

We talk for a while about my parents and when I went to school and my self harming then she lets me go so I can go into Pete's room where Ryan, Brendon and Pete are waiting. There's a new movie that they want to watch that they got allowed to show so I cuddle up with Pete in his bed while Ryan sits in Brendon's lap with a blanket over them on Pete's beanbag. It's actually pretty good and it's the first movie I've been in a while except for spongebob so it's nice.

At the end Ryan and Brendon are cuddled up and slowly making out on the beanbag so I roll onto my side and stroke along Pete's jawline. "Patty, I talked to Ryan" "About what darling" "Us" "What about us" "How hard things are and how we both stress out about saying no and everything" "What did he say" "He said talk to you so I will. I don't want this to be hard and it's all getting too stressful so let's promise that we'll always talk and never try to do something just to please the other person" "Deal, you said about your birthday though, when's this" "Day after tomorrow" "Oh crap, I don't have any time" "You don't need to do anything" "I want to though, your my boyfriend so you deserve it" "Thank you" "Your welcome"

I grab his hand and skip with him to the door "Bren we're gonna play board games" "Ok go ahead". With a look at me Pete skips happily along the hallway with me, waving to Dr Williams who's alone in her office and watches us go past. "What game do you want" "I don't know a lot, you choose" "Oh I know this game called Oh Hell and it's with cards, it's really fun" "Ok"

We sit cross legged together playing the same and stopping because I always insist on kissing him when he wins a round and kissing when I win just because I want an excuse to do it. When I pull away Pete giggles and gives me a quick hug then sighs "I suck at this game" "I've played a lot, you're really good though" "Thanks"

I deal out another hand as Pete rocks back and forth on his heels and pats my head every time I lean over to give him a card. As I flip over a card and pick up my hand Pete looks behind me and screams loudly, almost leaping into my lap.

I swing around and scream as well when I see Jaime standing up on a stool slinging a rope over the over hang on a shelf in the library. He doesn't seem to notice us looking at him so I grab Pete's hand and run as fast we can can to Dr Williams.

"Dr W-W-Williams.... We..... I" Pete's stuttering so I talk over him "I think Jaime's going to hang himself in the library". She instantly gets up and runs with us to the library, a couple of male nurses follow when she hurriedly tells them what's happening as we run past.

This time Jaime notices us and just tightens the noose and slips his head through "G-get away" "Jaime please" "Go away Patrick" "Please don't" "I can't live like this anymore, I hate it here" "Then get better so you can leave" "No, go away"

I step back to Pete and wrap my arms around him as Dr Williams tries to coax Jaime down. He's 3 feet in the air so she can't really just grab him and if she does the rope will be around his neck so this really isn't good.

Pete shaking hard and collapses against me so I have to take him away from the library and stand in the lounge hugging him tight. "Is Jaime ok?" "No darling" "Is he dead?" "No, Dr Williams is talking to him" "I'm scared" "I'll protect you, it'll be ok" "I'm still scared" "I know, I am too but we're here for each other"

I hold him tight and watch over his shoulder as Dr Williams keeps talking and moves closer to Jaime. When she does he freaks out and steps backwards off the stool so the rope goes tight around his neck. His face goes bright red as I scream loudly and hold Pete tighter when he tries to turn around. He definitely doesn't need to see this so I hold him and bury my face in his shoulder so I don't have to keep looking at someone who was always nice to me hanging by his neck.

Pete whimpers into my ear and his hands cling to the top of my arms. He's shivering and his breath against my neck is frantic so I pull a blanket from one of the couches to wrap around his shoulders. He looks so cute with the huge grey blanket dwarfing him that I don't take my eyes off him until the nurses rush past holding a limp, unconscious Jaime between them.

When he looks over Pete sobs and immediately returns his face to my neck "Pete darling, come on, we're not staying here" "I don't wanna move" "Come on sweetheart" "No, is he ok, what happened?" "He's getting help my darling" "Is he ok" "Not right now, he will be though"

Pete's started crying on my shoulder so with a quick look at Dr Williams who's facing the opposite way I scoop the boy up in my arms, throughly wrapping him up in his blanket, so I can take him to his room. Ryan and Brendon find us in the hallway both yelling at us to ask if we're ok and what happened but I ignore them and let them follow us back to Pete's room.

Ryan lends me his jacket to pull around Pete's shoulders as I unwrap the blanket and get him into his bed. It takes a while to unwind him from me but eventually I get him off me and tuck him up in Ryan's jacket under the covers of his bed. When I do Pete snuggles his face against his pillow and whimpers "I'm scared" "Don't be scared, we're all here for you" "Is he ok?" "We don't know sweetheart, I think he will be though" "That was so scary" "I know, it was horrible" "Please don't do that" "Do what?" "Let me find you hanging from the ceiling, don't to that to me, don't do that to yourself" "I won't, none if my attempts have been by hanging myself" "What were they" "Cutting or pills" "Don't do that either, don't make me find you in a pool of blood or make me sit there screaming at you to wake up when you've overdosed, please just don't"

He's crying again so I slip in beside him and wrap my arms around him under his jacket so I can feel his warm skin through his shirt as he shakes. "I won't" "Your fucking suicidal just like him, one day I'll come home and you'll be dead, the man I'm in love with will be dead. Your one of the only people making me happy and keeping me sane and I can't loose you. I'll end up with someone like Jason again letting myself get fucking abused and raped and treated like shit so don't you dare, I fucking love you you idiot and I need you. I will never leave you so don't you dare leave me and get that fucking bullshit red stripe off your arm because your not allowed to do that"

Dr Williams is standing at the door frozen after walking in half way through Pete screaming at me and Pete's crying fully again. "Pete, I promise I won't" "You wouldn't have that on your arm if you didn't, you wouldn't have tried to die 9 times if your life meant anything to you" "But now I have you, I have friends and a guy to love" "Promise me, promise me you won't" "I won't" "Not now and not ever" "I can't promise that" "Then let someone help you, I don't care how stupid and insecure you are or anything because you need to just let someone help you if you still want to die" "I'm not actively suicidal, I haven't been since I came here" "Then make it so your not suicidal, stop hurting yourself, you haven't changed since you came here, the only improvement is that you've only self harmed once. I've changed since I've met you, drastically, I don't run away from every single person and even though I'm weird about touch I'm not too bad with it. I actually accept my body and I've been trying to eat when you tell me to, I'm trying so hard to help myself so I can be good for you, why won't you do it for me"

He looks so fierce now and it's something I've barely ever seen, he was like this after his boyfriend and fathers trial and I love it. He looks so passionate and beautiful and powerful and this is definitely a guy that I don't wanna give up, this is someone I can imagine spending a long time with.

"Pete I will do it" "But you haven't" "I know, I don't like letting people in and letting them help me" "Just do it, even if it's only me and Brendon just do it, you need to let people in" "Ok, ok fine, I'll try" "Let me help you, you've helped me" "And I'm so happy about that, I love you so much when your confident"

Our lips gently connect for a second then I pull away and move my hands under his shirt as well as his jacket so I can feel his beautiful bare skin.

Dr Williams comes over and sits on the side of the bed "Pete are you ok" "Not really but I will be" "I will be having extra sessions with both of you because you found him" "Ok, will Patty be with me" "Yes, if you want him here" "I do, he was with me so I need him there" "You can both stay here as long as you need but your guides do need to be with you" "Yeah ok, thank you" "Of course you'll need time, it was a terrible time. Also don't use anymore of that language, your too young and pure for that kind of dirty language" "I'm sorry, I was just so scared and mad and in love" "It's good to have emotions and passion, just do it with nicer language please"

She gives us a warm smile then leaves us there with Ryan and Brendon exploding with questions and worry.


	24. Chapter 24

**Patrick's POV**

After a long time of lying with Pete and mouthing at his neck, he pulls away and looks at me "I love you" "I love you too" "I'm sorry I yelled" "It's ok" "I was so scared, I didn't even know him and I freaked so imagine if it was you" "It won't be" "It could be, you could have died years ago and I'd never have met you" "It's ok, I'll try to get better, I'll try to be good for you" "Ok" "So you did say it's your birthday soon, is your mother coming" "She'll buy me something but I probably won't be allowed to keep it" "I'll get you something, I'll ask Dr Williams to make sure you can keep it" "Thank you, I love you" "I love you, we say that way too much" "No we don't, we don't say it enough"

We stay in bed a while until Brendon gets bored with groping Ryan and spying on Pete's room and comes over to bounce on Pete's bed. "Pat can we do something" "What's there to do" "I dunno" "Let's stay here, whatever you wanna do we can" "Ok, let's play a game" "Not poker this time, I sucked balls at that, normal truth or dare" "Yeah ok" "No no no, let's play truth or dare except you can take off some clothing if you don't wanna do it" "Me and Pete only have like 3 things on" "Yeah, socks and shit don't count" "Fine, shirt, pants and boxers, we can do that"

Pete shakes his head and looks up at me "I don't wanna" "You don't have to play" "Can I take stuff off under the covers, I don't wanna be naked" "I can get out of your bed if you want" "No it's ok, nothing below the waist" "I know, neither of us do that"

Brendon smirks and looks at me "Truth or dare" "Dare" "Make out with Pete" "I'd that even a dare, I'd do it anyway". Pete puts his hands around my neck and almost leaps on me so I grab his waist and kiss back. Again I don't know where this sudden confidence has come from but it's so sexy and I love being able to just kiss him without worrying about him.

Pete doesn't seem to want to stop but I push him back and giggle then hold him close. "Ry, truth or dare" "Truth" "How many people have you fucked apart from Brendon?" "None" "How many have you slept with then you giant fucking bottom" "3 or 4 I think, I'm not a huge slut" "Your sluttier then me" "Everyone's sluttier then you, your asexual you idiot, your not supposed to be a slut"

Ryan turns to Pete as he trails his fingers up Brendon's thigh "Truth or dare Petey boy" "Um I dunno, truth" "Tell us everything your scared of" "Are you just being nice to me?" "Yeah but I wanna know so we can scare you" "The dark, men, being touched by people, my father, Jason, being alone, spiders, sex, being naked, people making fun of me, high school, clowns, snak-" "Wow ok that's a lot" "There's more" "I know there is but I don't need to hear it" "Ok, sorry" "It's fine, your turn" "Who do I ask?" "Anyone you want"

Pete turns to me and bites his lip "Can I ask you" "Yeah of course" "Truth or dare" "Hmm, dare again" "I don't know what to do" "Make up something" "I don't know" "This is just because you want me to take my clothes off" "No" "If you want it I will" "Yeah, just take your shirt off"

I carefully pull it off and pull Pete back to me "I'm asking you now" "What about Brendon, he hasn't had to do anything" "I don't care, truth or dare" "Dare I guess" "Give me a lap dance or you can take your shirt of". I really really really hope he does give me a lap dance because that'd be hot but as I thought he wiggles out of his shirt and hides his face in my collarbone.

"Aw darling I wanted that dance" "No way" "Ok, I like this though" "Yeah I know, I'm staying in bed forever though" "I don't mind, then I can stay with you" "Yeah I guess" "Your turn again" "Brendon seems bored, truth or dare"

Brendon's face is in Ryan's crotch as he lies there and whispers sexually to him so he springs up when Pete says his name "Um truth" "I still don't know what to say" "Just ask whatever, I'll say anything" "Um........ What kinks do you have, just for Patrick to laugh about" "Oh yes I like this, listen up Ryro because this is important information. I like spanking and whips and paddles and chains and ropes and handcuffs and all that shit. Also toys and dildos and vibrators, I like doing things in public and being called sir and master, call me daddy and I'll leave though, I like my dad and that's gross" "Aren't you a top" "I don't know what Patrick's been telling you while you do nighttime snuggles but yeah I am, I like doing those things, I haven't done them before but Ryan just has a nice ass to try stuff on"

Ryan's bright red now but he seems turned on since he's trying to subtly grind against Brendon's head as he lies on him but is the least subtle person ever. "Alright, I dare Ryro to have sex with me tonight and follow through on whatever kinks we share" "Deal Brendy and I dare Patrick and Pete to shower together to end this game so we can go home and I can have sex with Brendon" "We have work for like 3 more hours" "How many shits do you think I give" "None but they have free food and I want free food" "Pig" "Just wait until I'm fucking you, you won't be saying that then"

They both turn to us and Brendon looks like a Cheshire fucking cat "So are you showering" "No, Pete's not ready for that, I'm not having sex with him in a fucking shower in a mental hospital" "I know but that'd be hot" "No" "Both of you take off clothes then"

Pete puts a hand over my mouth and despite his hand shaking looks Brendon in the eye "Can we do both, can we take off clothes in the shower". Everyone just kind of looks at him as he blushes and takes his hand away from me "Sorry, I shouldn't have said that, I'll shut up now" "No darling, if you want it I'll do it" "Your the one objecting though so you take off your pants and I'll just not have a shirt" "Deal, mother fucking deal, put your shirt on and we'll go"

I leap out of bed and hurriedly pull my shirt on as Brendon wolf whistles at me then look down at Pete "Come on, are you walking there shirtless?" "No" "Then come on"

He wiggles into it under his bed then let's me lead him there and Ryan and Brendon stand by the door "Don't be loud, people are used to me standing there for Pete say I'll say Brendon's just joining me"

Before Brendon makes anymore jokes I pull the curtain closed and look at Pete who's trapped against my chest in the tiny cubicle "I think I was dared to do something". I take off my shirt and pants even though it's awkward and I still hate the scar on my side after feeling Pete's perfect skin when we were shirtless in his bed. He's beautiful and I don't know if he'll actually let me see him but I hope so, he's not good for my self confidence but he is beautiful.

I turn around to put my clothes on the bench and turn back to see Pete holding out his own shirt to me as he stands there gloriously half naked. I take it from his hand and put it with mine then wrap my arms around his warm body "Are we showering?" "I've never done this" "Me neither, we're in this together" "Haven't you?" "No, I've only had casual relationships and I've never done anything more then kiss, this is new to me and your special to me" "Let's shower then, it was the dare" "You don't have to do it" "Otherwise I have to take my pants off, I don't wanna do that" "It's fine" "It was a game and I agreed to it so we'll do it" "You don't have to" "I'm not scared Patty, I trust you, I know you won't hurt me and I wanna try something new"

He turns on the water which is really warm today which is great "What do people do in the shower" "Wash themselves" "Is that what we'll do" "Yeah" "Ok, your not going to say anything are you" "About what" "Me, it's the first time you've seen me, am I ok" "Your beautiful and I've hugged you when you were shirtless a few times and I did see you once, I think we walked in when you were changing and I did quickly see you" "You didn't tell me" "I didn't want to, I didn't know you well enough" "But do you mind, do you like the way I look" "I love it" "Really? You think I'm ok?" "I don't think your ok, I think your beautiful"

Pete's smile is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen right now so I happily kiss him a few times then we both wash ourselves, not really touching but just letting each other watch. Washing each other would definitely be too weird and too much after dating such a short time but I like this, I'm getting comfortable around him in boxers and it's nice.

When I finish Pete's standing there with his pants drenched poking himself in the stomach so I take his hand away and replace it with mine. He's super ticklish so I tickle him a bit until he bends over giggling and I realise we're being too loud since there could be people here.

"Hey Bren" "Yeah" "Is there anyone there" "No luckily because your both loud as fuck, I'm just glad your not having sex because people in Russia would be hearing you moaning" "I'm coming out" "Why" "So Pete can properly shower and I can change my clothes"

I kiss Pete again then slip out where Brendon wolf whistles at me again "If I was single you wouldn't be a virgin" "If you were single I'd be setting you up with people and I'd still be with Pete" "Don't deny our love" "Gross Bren" "I can admire a hot guy when I see one" "Keep it to yourself"

He gives me new clothes and a towel so I can go into the next cubicle and dry myself and change into new boxers and clothes. Ryan's gone when I come out so Brendon links his arm through mine "Just you and me" "That's always fun" "Ok so I was talking to Dr Williams the other day and most people here get to go out with parents or siblings if they're stable and have like a day trip but your parents are shit so I wanna do it" "Take me out?" "Yup, Pete's gone out loads with his mother so I'll take you, boys day out" "God I love you sometimes" "Well finally, I am fabulous so you better love me" "Did she agree?" "She's gotta make sure your stable and won't stab yourself with a plastic fork at McDonalds but yeah I think so, she likes you and feels bad for you for having such crappy parents" "I'm going to have to talk to them soon aren't I?" "Yeah, she wants to have a meeting with you and them together and if it goes bad then I'll take you, if it goes well then they will" "Looks like your taking me then Bren" "You're that confident?" "Oh yes, I hope you get to meet them, they're the biggest pieces of shit ever"

Pete pokes his head out of the shower and he looks so cute with his wet hair and water dripping down his neck onto his new shirt that I have to take his towel and start drying his hair. I've turned into a mom and I didn't even realise but tussling up Pete's hair is so much fun and it feels good to take care of him and do little stupid things like this to him.

"Are you going out with Brendon" "Yeah because I don't have family like you do who love me so he gets to go somewhere with me" "Mummy wanted to take me home on my birthday to spend the day with my family but I said no because I'm happy here, I wanna be with you and Ryro" "You can go home, I'll spend your birthday with you the next day" "No I already planned it, my birthday will be here then the next day will be with mummy and her boyfriend" "Good, I wanna do something" "It's in 2 days" "I'll have to get planning" "What are you and Brendon doing" "I dunno, hanging out, I didn't have many friends to do that with before, plus he's the one with a car" "That'll be cool, I'll miss you" "We can do it after your birthday when your with your mum, just so your not lonely" "That's nice, then we both have days out with people we love"

I finish with Petes hair so I kiss him on the forehead "I'm not sure where Ryan went" "To get food probably or maybe my room, I'll find him" "I'll see you later sweetheart" "Bye bye"

He kisses my cheek then skips off to find Ryan leaving me with Brendon who leans his elbow in my shoulder "Whatcha doing for his birthday?" "I dunno, he's 16 so it needs to be special but I have no clue what to do, he's ditching his family for us so it'd better be good" "You better think up something quick" "Yeah I know, I'll work on it" "I'll help with anything you need" "Your the best" "I know" "Ask your fuck buddy for more things he knows Pete likes, he knows him better then us" "The three musketeers, planning little Petey's birthday" "It'll be great" "Does he like cake" "He doesn't eat a lot and I've never seen him have cake" "I'm getting him cake, you can eat it for him is he doesn't want much but everyone deserves cake" "Ok, I'll talk to Dr Williams about what I can do for him" "I'll talk to Ryro" "Ok, see you later"


	25. Chapter 25

**Patrick's POV**

It takes a lot of pleading with Dr Williams but finally she agrees to let Brendon buy a cake that people can eat during group on Pete's birthday if they want to. She also says I can buy him a present as long as she approves it first and it's safe for him to have. I'm guessing by that she just means nothing that will trigger him and nothing that's sharp or dangerous because even if he's not a danger to himself and won't hurt himself, other people might if they got something sharp.

I spend the rest of the time until dinner planning what to get him but finally I just decide on a bracelet for him to wear. I've seen a couple of other people wearing rings, probably from their family, so they're probably allowed as long as there's nothing sharp on them. It'd be nice to see Pete wearing something I got him and if he's not allowed that I'll try for a necklace that he can hide under his clothes. That might be worse because there's a chance of someone strangling them self with it even though it's a painful way to die and most people here have gotten help and aren't that desperate for something to hurt them self with.

Dr Williams seems happy about the idea so I spend ages on Brendon's phone with him until I find a bracelet made out of lots of different strands of brown rope looking stuff and I definitely like it. It'd suit Pete I think and it's a tie on one so he couldn't easily get it off unless Ryan helps him which Dr Williams will like because she's obsessive about his safety. I love him and I would never want him to get hurt but not allowing him to have something because he could get it off and hurt himself is slightly over the top. He's not suicidal and he's never self harmed so I doubt he'd do it, plus the bracelets probably wouldn't even go all the way around his neck.

I'm so so excited now and Pete asks me lots of times as we eat why I'm so bouncy and happy but I don't wanna spoil the surprise so I just say I really like the soup we're having. Pete has the whole bowl and half a slice of bread which I'm proud of then has a couple of bites of the muffin I get. I'd happily feed him the whole thing if he wanted it but he doesn't so I just hold his hand and finish off.

Brendon and Ryan leave, Brendon whispering to me that he'll get a cake and the bracelet with the money Dr Williams gave him to pay for it. I'm really excited now and I can barely sit still all night and even let Pete talk me into playing monopoly with him which just ends up with us arguing about whether I can legally take 1000 dollars off him 3 turns in a row. I totally can because he keeps landing on me but he doesn't seem to like the idea and storms off after a while so I have to pack up the cards he threw at me and spend a while apologising before he kisses me goodnight.

He's adorable when he's mad but I do like getting kissed at night so I don't wanna let either of us go to bed annoyed. I don't know if it's a good idea but if we don't let arguments get worse, then we'll sort everything out between us. Even if it was just over a board game this time it's still a good idea, plus my parents are probably coming tomorrow and I don't need to be apologising and have Pete upset with me when I'm upset about them.

I'm really really glad Brendon told me what was happening because my parents are sitting in front of me when I go to my therapy the next morning after coaxing cereal into Pete.

"Why are they here" I growl at Dr Williams and stay in the doorway ready to run "They're your parents and I thought it was important to let you improve your relationship with them" "They're the reason I'm here, I don't want a relationship with them" "But they're your parents" "I don't need them, I have a family here and I have people who I care about and who love me more then they've ever loved anything in their stupid lives" "Don't talk that way Patrick" "Why not, they've said meaner things to me everyday of my life, why do they deserve me to be nice to them"

I'm starting to back out the door but Dr Williams walks over and closes the door behind me "This isn't healthy Patrick" "Making myself happy is healthy" "But rejecting your parents isn't" "I don't need them" "Yes you do, you need to at least try to be on neutral ground with them" "Fine"

I flop down in a chair as far away from them as I can be and look at her unimpressed "What now" "Why are you so mad" "They're the reason I self harm and why I tried to kill myself" "They can't be the only reason" "School was as well but they were the main one, they're the reason I started" "Why" "They hate me, they think I'm a piece of shit"

Dr Williams just sighs and ignores my anger "You seem happy here at every other time" "Because any time I'm not with them I can be happy" "Try talking to them" "I do and they call me a useless fucking faggot. I hate them because they hate me, Pete and Ryan and Brendon make me so so happy and I don't need them, I have people who accept me and love me so I don't need judgmental assholes who ruin everything"

My mother scrunches up her nose and glares at me "See, I told your father this was a bad place, they encourage those disgusting sins and let you be with 3 men, why can't you just find a nice girl and be normal" "I don't wanna be normal, I'm gay and if I was friends with girls you'd say that's what faggots do, I'm friends with guys and you say I'm fucking them, if I had no friends you'd call me a loser, what do you want?" "A normal son" "Well you have me, if you want one then get dad to fuck your ugly old pussy and make another child, unless your too old to get pregnant"

This is becoming a screaming match very quickly and soon it'll just be the 3 of us arguing like it was everyday at home. Dr Williams quickly stops us though and looks at me again "Why are you all so mad" "I want to get along with them, I want loving parents, they hate me for stupid reasons though and I hate it. I'm not going to just let me talk shit about me just because I'm gay and I'm not some perfect son"

My mother cuts in again making me groan and lean back in my chair "Being a homosexual is a sin, we don't want that for our child" "No you just don't want people knowing I like getting fucked up the ass because all your asshole homophobic friends will judge you" "It's a sin" "We're not even fucking religious" "God says-" "The only time you ever believe in God is when your trying to tell me not to be gay, all the rest of the time you couldn't be fucked about him" "Don't talk like that to me" "Don't talk to me like that" "I'm an adult" "I'm a child" "I'm your mother" "I'm your son, your supposed to love me" "We can't love a sinning faggot" "Your supposed to not care about my sexuality, your my parents but a therapist I barely know cares about me more then you, people I've never met care more then you, Hitler would probably care about me more then you"

We're yelling again and Dr Williams tries to tell us to stop but I just yell back at my mother for being such a bitch. "Why are you always such a disappointment, all we want is you to find a nice submissive girl who can give us grandchildren and keep house, is that a lot to ask"   
"Yes because I'm gay, I want a nice guy who loves me"   
"Don't be a faggot"   
"I will be a faggot because I am a faggot"   
"Don't be disgusting, we didn't raise you that way"   
"This is who I was born as"   
"You were born disgusting"   
"Is that the only reason you hate me, because I like guys instead of girls"   
"And because your dumb and you don't try at anything, you embarrass us in front of people, you dress like a girl or like an abomination and you have disgusting friends"  
"None of that is a valid reason"  
"Yes it is, your no son of ours"   
"I don't want to be"   
"Then why are we here"   
"Because Dr Williams thought it'd be good but it isn't"   
"This place is disgusting"   
"It's my home"   
"Your home is full of crazy people and sinners"   
"I don't care, it's more of a home then any house you ever gave me"   
"Your disgusting"   
"Well too bad and if you don't like this place I don't care. I'm here because I need to be, I'm legally required to be here until they release me so I don't care what you say, you've given me actual psychological problems so I'm staying, get the hell out"

I didn't notice Dr Williams had left until she comes back with Pete who wraps his arms around my waist and puts his lips over mine to make me stop yelling. Reluctantly I sink into it and hug Pete back because he is family to me more then those assholes ever will be, he loves me out of choice not out of obligation. Not that they even love me because of that even though that's what they're supposed to do.

"Fucking disgusting faggots" My dad says, saying something for the first time instead of just letting me and my mom fight. He was always like that, always just saying the most hurtful thing instead of a whole stream of them like my mom liked doing. No one insults Pete though, this boy is beautiful and special and he doesn't deserve to deal with these pieces of shit.

"Come on darling we're leaving" "Are we allowed" "I don't care, we're leaving" "Patrick wait, what's wrong" "I don't want to be here, I'm not letting you be around hateful terrible people, you don't deserve that my darling, I'm not letting you get hurt"

Pete seems worried about me but he lets me lead him out of the room and pull him towards the door to the garden "Come on, I wanna go outside" "We can't babe" "Why not" "We can't just go out there" Why not" "Dr Williams might not like it" "Well I'm not going back to ask and I don't care what she thinks right now, I'll go crazy if I have to spend anymore time under a roof with them" "I'll ask her, we need a key anyway" "Ok sweetheart, hurry"


	26. Chapter 26

**Pete's POV**

I kiss Patrick's cheek then leave him slumped against a wall to run back to Dr Williams. I know where a spare key to get outside is and I could just use it but she's been so nice to me and she's always looked after me when I was scared so I hate doing anything that she might not like or that might make her angry at me. Patrick's angry and not thinking straight so I don't wanna do something that we're not supposed to do that will get us both in trouble. Also I'm not supposed to know where the key is so I don't want to use it and have them move it because I found it.

I poke my head into the room then walk to Dr Williams when I don't hear yelling "Can I have a key to go outside" "Why do you need that" "Patty wants to" "Why" "He's upset and I don't wanna make him sad or make him angry, I think he just needs time to get away and calm down" "If he's angry you don't have to be around him, I know you care about him but if your scared then you don't have to, it's not a requirement" "I love him, he won't hurt me, I want to be there for him" "You don't have to be" "But I want to be" "Ok, the keys here"

She hands me the key and pats my wrist "Thank you for asking, I know you've found other keys hidden around" "I don't wanna get in trouble" "That's good, thank you for making sure it's ok, don't spend too long out there ok" "We won't" " Good"

I turn to leave when I hear Patrick's mother scoff and mumble "Disgusting faggots" under her breath making me turn back to look at her. "What does that mean" "It means your a disgusting sinner" "I'm not" "Yes you are, you've corrupted our son to your disgusting ways"

That's really mean and I've never had people talk to me like that. No one ever told me being gay was wrong and I didn't think finding someone I love would make people so angry.

"Why is me loving Patrick wrong" "It's a sin" "I'm not religious and I thought God was all about love and acceptance" "Not for sinners" "Love isn't a sin, I thought God would like that I found someone to love" "Not if its a homosexual relationship"

I can't believe Patrick had to live with these people, they're so horrible and I can see why he hated himself so much. No one deserves to be treated like this just because they fall in love with someone or because of something they can't control.

I'm too shocked and shy to say any of that to them so I just back out of the room and wipe tears from my eyes as I go back to Patrick.

He instantly notices that I'm sad though and holds me tight "What did they say to you?" "Nothing" "Please don't lie to me" "It's ok" "No it's not, I didn't want them to hurt you" "They didn't, I'm fine" "What did they do?" "What does faggot mean?" "Fucking hell"

He kicks at the leg of a chair and hugs me tighter "Do you not know" "No, I think people said it when we tried going to high school, what does it mean, your mother said-" "I don't care what she said, everything she says is a bunch of shit. It's a word people use to insult gay people and it's stupid, anyone who says it is just an asshole" "I didn't know there was something wrong with dating guys, I've never liked girls and I thought it was just a natural thing" "It is, people are just stupid" "What's wrong with it?" "Nothing, people just don't like anyone who's different, it's like black and white people getting married, it used to be illegal and some stupid people are weird about it but it's the exact same as any skin colours dating" "Is it really ok?" "Of course, someone else would have said something if it wasn't, it's just that they're idiots"

I feel pretty stupid not knowing what the word means but it doesn't sound like a word I'd be allowed to say so I don't really wanna know about it. I love Patrick so anything saying I shouldn't isn't good, there's nothing wrong with my love, Dr Williams has been telling me that for ages.

"I got the key" "Good, let's go" "I don't like your parents" "Yeah they're pieces of shit but they don't matter" "I'll still adopt you if you want" "That'd be great, I'd prefer if you married me though" "We'll see" "I can pretend I'm part of your family for now and if we break up you can adopt me" "Ok" "Would you be my dad or my brother?" "People seem to like being called daddy when they have sex so I could be your daddy" "You'd be a good daddy unlike either of ours" "I would" "Come on, let's go outside"

Patrick's so open about saying he wants to get married and it's nice. People don't usually want to marry 15 year olds even if they turn 16 tomorrow. I wonder if Patrick will remember that it's my birthday, I really hope so because I'd love to spend my birthday with him. It'd be good if I was legal because being 16 doesn't change anything at all but it'd be nice to spend the day with Patrick. Even if he forgets I probably wouldn't care, I could just tell him and he'd say congratulations and give me a kiss and it'll be really nice. Maybe I won't tell him though, I don't want him making a big deal out of it or have him feeling bad that he forgot and it'll just be another nice day with the guy I love.

I unlock the door and slip it in the pocket in my shirt then let Patrick pull me over to the tree where we almost had our first kiss and put a hand on my waist "Want a hand up?" "I'm not that short" "Yes you are" "Meany" "I just wanna have an excuse to lift you" "Ok, can you lift me?" "Yeah I can, your tiny"

He puts his hands on my hips and lift me so I can grab the branch above my head and pull myself up. I climb up to perch on a branch out of sight from anyone looking out the window or Dr Williams coming to look for us and wait for Patrick to follow me.

When he gets to me he grabs my hand and strokes my knuckles "I'm sorry you had to be around them" "It's ok, we're dating so I'd have to meet them at some point" "I wish you didn't" "I don't think they approve" "They don't approve of anything" "It doesn't matter does it, it's important to lots of people that their family likes their boyfriend" "Those people have good relationships with their family and their family loves them, I couldn't care less what they think" "Good, I don't wanna loose you" "You won't, not because of them. Also I like to think that anyone I like would be the opposite of what they like, I'd be pretty horrified if they did like you" "But they don't" "Which is good" "I'm not corrupting you am I" "If anything I'm corrupting you, I'm the one who's older and makes you do naughty things and break rules, your the one getting corrupted"

I scoot closer and kiss the tip of his nose "I like being corrupted" "My beautiful little innocent Pete" "How are you going to corrupt me now" "Some naughty kissing in a tree" "Getting corrupted is fun" "Corrupting you is also fun".

The branch doesn't feel too stable so I jump away when he leans in and climb higher "Come on Patty" "Don't be mean" "Come on, your not scared of heights are you" "No I'm just not a good climber" "I won't let you fall" "Alright"

He slowly makes his way up and takes my hand to get up onto the branch with me "Can I actually get a kiss now" "Yeah of course". Patrick grabs my hips and pulls me close so I wrap my arms around his neck to kiss the tip of his nose again "Thank you for loving me" "Thank you for letting me".

His lips are like he's got a fever but I cling onto him desperately and keep kissing him when he tries to pull away. No ones ever kissed me like this and I love how Patrick does it, I don't know if it's just because he's so good at this or if I just like kissing.

Before we can even kiss very much there's a cough from below is and Dr Williams looks up at us "Your parents have left Patrick" "Good" "I'm guessing you don't want me to come back anytime" "No, I never wanna see them again" "They are legally your parents" "I don't care, I'm here for now and when I'm 18 I never have to see them again"

I hate seeing him so angry because he's never like this when he's with me. Patrick's always happy and fun and I do love him like that, I'm not good at talking to people and being fun so it helps when he's with me.

"Please calm down Patty" "I'm just annoyed darling, I'm sorry" "I don't like it" "I'm sorry, they just make me mad" "I hate it when people are upset, I wanna make you happy" "You do sweetheart, I love you and I'm sorry I scared you" "It's ok" "We should go back in" "I'm sorry for making you mad" "It wasn't you, you make me happy" "I just want you to be happy baby" "I am, I'm so so happy when I'm with you, this place has made me happier so thank you for being here"

He pecks my lips then jumps down from the tree, lifting me down easily. I do like how he can carry me around and he says I'm really little which is nice because that's what I've always wanted to be.

He said he wanted me to eat well though and I'd prefer him to just tell me if I'm attractive and if he does like my weight but he kind of told me. He said to eat more which is what everyone here says so I'll try to eat good for him. Maybe if I eat the same amount he eats then he'll be happy, Dr Williams will be happy I'm eating healthy and eating enough and maybe then he'll tell me if I do look good.

Patrick leads me in and we head to dinner where I stop him at the door "I'm going to eat everything" "Really" "Yeah, I want to get a meal and eat it all, I promise I will" "If you can't eat everything don't force yourself to, eat as much as you want to, forget about your weight or anything" "I'm trying" "Just make yourself happy" "I will, thank you"


	27. Chapter 27

**Patrick's POV**

I'm so proud of Pete now because he is actually trying to help himself and get better. We sit on opposite sides of the table just holding hands and Pete slowly eats his way through the smallest salad I could find him. It's still more then he usually eats and when he finishes it I'm really proud. I hope he isn't just eating because he feels like he has to because throwing up is just as bad as not eating.

It's nice we can just sit here only holding hands but I still feel so close to him. Our feet are tangled together under the table as I have ice cream for dessert and Pete eats a tiny bit from my bowl across the table.

Slowly his foot starts running up my leg and rubbing along my thigh. I always found it weird that we only wear socks all the time but I guess shoes usually have shoe laces and might be dangerous so we just get thick wooly socks. Right now though I love and hate these socks more then ever because Pete's foot is very close to a dangerous area and it feels a million times better then it should.

I'm not sure what he's going because his eyes stay glued to the table as his foot rubs higher and finally presses to my dick, half hard in my pants. Quickly Pete springs his foot away and loosens his grip on my hand but I find his foot with mine and rub his ankle until he looks up at me. I lift his hand to kiss his knuckles then stand up and leave, letting Pete choose if he wants to follow me or if it's too uncomfortable for him.

"Patty" He whispers as he follows me down the hall to his room where I sit cross legged on the bed "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I thought it'd be fun and I just wanted to touch you but I didn't think, I'm sorry". He sounds terrified so I pull him onto the bed in front of me and let my hand fall onto his knee "Its ok" "Its not" "It is" "You don't want anything sexual, I shouldn't have done that" "It's fine Pete, it was nice, you weren't giving me a handjob under the table, I'm fine with you doing that" "Really" "Yeah, just don't go so high next time, anything else is totally fine" "I thought we said nothing below the waist" "It's more like nothing from my hips to mid thigh, you can touch my feet if you find it romantic" "Ew I don't think I have a foot fetish, I liked it though" "Me too"

Pete quickly kisses my lips then lies back onto his pillow "Where are Ry and Bren?" "Eating still probably" "Can we watch a movie then?" "Of course" "Are we allowed though?" "Yeah, let's just leave the door open for them for when they come and so people don't get suspicious" "Ok" "What movie?" "I haven't got many, my favourites Harry Potter though, do you like it?" "Yeah of course, I've read the books a million times" "I like the first movie the best" "The first books my favourite so I like that" "Ok"

He skips over to put the DVD in then sits next to me with my arm around his shoulders as the movie starts. A couple of guides do come past and look in the door but seem fine with seeing us there watching the movie so they leave us to ourselves.

Eventually Ryan and Brendon come and watch the last 10 minutes with us then Ryan rolls onto the floor "We need to find more games to play, know any Bren?" "Nah not really" "What did we play last time?" "Truth or dare" "Hmm, that was fun" "Yeah and I got some hot sex afterwards" "Yeah last night was great" "So what game now?" "I dunno"

They both spend time thinking but get distracted when Ryan starts kissing Brendon's neck and they forget about me and Pete for a while. Pete cuddles into my side and sighs "I should leave" "No, why" "I'm ruining this" "How would you be ruining it" "I had a friend when I first started here and me and Ryan did pretty much everything with him but all the games were ruined by me and now I'm ruining it again" "How" "I mucked up truth or dare because I'm boring and I don't wanna get naked or do things and people have to be careful with me so I don't get upset. Me and Ryan played never have I ever once but I've done everything sexual and the story of them are horrible so I make things awkward. Every game is bad and I can't do anything fun"

I scoot closer and play with his hair softly "It's ok, I think your fun" "No you don't" "I do" "How" "Well I'm never bored around you and I love being with you". Pete quickly pecks my lips and settles against me "Would you rather, can we play that?" "Yeah sure" "Just us, they seem busy" "Ok"

Brendon's straddling Ryan and his hands down his pants so I pull the cover over me and Pete so we're in our own little tent and my hands brace against the small of his back. "Would you rather be in the shower with me or your bed?" "Bed, it's more intimate and we can cuddle and kiss, plus it's warm and private and we don't have to be naked. Would you rather cuddle or kiss?" "Cuddle, I love cuddling with you. Would you rather live in a medium sized house or a big apartment?" "I want a house to myself and not share a building with people, I'm also scared of elevators so a medium sized house. Would you rather bottom or top?" "I've never done either but it depends who I'm with" "But in general which one" "Probably top because it'd feel less vulnerable and it'd be easier but for you I'd rather bottom" "Why" "I'd be too scared to top you in case I hurt you"

Pete cuddles against my chest and kisses the skin above the neckline of my shirt "I'd let you top me, I trust you" "But I'd be scared" "I love you and I couldn't top, I could never do that" "Yeah you could" "No, I want to be a bottom, it feels so much better, your older and bigger and more dominant" "But if you don't wanna bottom I'd understand" "But the thing is that I don't know if I can even do it, I want to bottom and make love with you but I was so young that they might have messed me up. I don't wanna force you to bottom just because my ass is broken and it'd feel so bad, I want to be a bottom because it feels natural but I'm so broken I can't do what I want to do for you" "I'll love you either way, I still don't really care about sex so it's fine"

I peck his lips and rub my thumb over his soft cheek "I love you, we don't have to do traditional sex, other sex things could be a lot of fun with you" "But normal sex would be good" "I just want you to know that even if you are broken or you can't have sex I don't care, we'll find other things to do and it's not a priority" "Thank you" "I would love it if you were ok because I don't want you to have those scars from them all your life and be held back by them. It doesn't matter though, I love you regardless"

Slowly he inches toward me and hooks his leg over my hip "Can we kiss?" "Of course". Pete opens little his mouth in an adorable way as I suck his bottom lip into my mouth and let him properly pull himself on top of me. This time Pete's really in charge and I let him set the pace and place little kisses along my jaw whenever I pull away to take a breath.

Ryan pulls the bed covers back while Pete's in the middle of kissing my jaw making him flinch away and instantly get off me. I just groan and spread out on his bed even more because his bed is super comfortable and I don't really feel like moving.

"Come on Pat, we should go" "Do we have to Brendy" "Yeah we should" "Ugh fine" "Your such a lazy piece of shit, move your ass" "You can't talk to me like that" "Yeah I can" "I have mental issues and I deserve to be allowed to stay in this bed" "Shut up your fine, move your lazy ass"

He drags me out of the bed but let's Pete grab me and whisper to me "I'll try to eat for you now" "Eat for yourself" "But I want to make you happy, you want me to weigh more so I will" "No angel I just want you to eat for yourself and not starve yourself because you've been told your too fat, your gorgeous so just eat what you want to" "You don't think I'm fat do you" "No, your underweight right now but if you eat a normal amount and eat until your comfortable then you'll be perfect, it's just like sex, your weight doesn't matter as long as your happy and healthy"

I kiss his forehead then step away "I'll see you tomorrow, I'll come see you and we can go to group together" "Ok" "I love you" "Love you too babe" "Goodnight darling, sleep well"


	28. Chapter 28

**Patrick's POV**

Just like I promised I come wake Pete up with an assault of kisses then take him to group therapy when Ryan comes and kicks me in the ankle because we've been in Pete's room kissing for 20 minutes.

Pete doesn't even seem sad when I don't mention his birthday so maybe he's used to people forgetting. There's no way I'd ever forget this day because it's the first time I can spend time with a guy I really really love like I do for Pete. Even when I stop Pete so I can pull him inside the bathroom for another quick kiss against the wall he doesn't mention his birthday or even hint about it and I like it because he's not expecting anything.

When we walk into therapy Ryan and Brendon jump at us screaming happy birthday making Pete laugh and blush then I hold his hand tight and pull him to our seats. A few people say happy birthday to him as well when they walk in and Dr Williams does when she arrives which is so nice for him. I haven't said anything to him but Pete seems so fine with it, if it was me if be dancing on tables to get Pete to notice what day it was and say happy birthday to me so he really is super shy.

We keep our hands down between our chairs because apparently we shouldn't be too public about dating in case people decide to hook up which isn't allowed or get into relationships. It's nice for Pete to be allowed to date but Dr Williams thinks it could be damaging for other people.

At the end Dr Williams gets a small cake which is chocolate and has cute pink writing on top then gives whoever wants some a little bit. Pete squeaks in surprise then shuffles his chair closer to me as he eats his tiny piece. I'm glad Dr Williams agreed to do this because now Pete can have a good birthday and everyone else can eat cake which will make people happy.

When group finishes and we're allowed to leave Brendon comes over and, with impressive ninja skills I didn't think someone as loud as him could possess, slips the box with Pete's bracelet into my back pocket. Pete literally skips all the way down the hall and is so cute and giggly when we get to his room he can barely sit still.

"I can't believe they got me a cake, I haven't had cake in ages" "Don't they do cake at any other time" "They do have the option of cake for dessert when it's someone's birthday or on holidays but I never ate it because it was unhealthy. Now I did and I feel so good, it's so nice"

He's looking up at me and he's so beautiful I can't help just smiling back and staring at his gorgeous hopeful face. Too soon he stops smiling and his head falls down "Sorry, I shouldn't get so excited" "Why not" "It's stupid and embarrassing" "It's not stupid and how is being happy about it being your birthday embarrassing" "I don't know, I'm sorry" "You don't have to apologise to me baby, not especially when you've done nothing wrong" "I'm just sorry" "Your so different baby, your so amazing and strong and confident and it does make you a million times more beautiful but sometimes you just shut yourself down because your scared, I hate it when you hide who you are"

Pete doesn't move and just shakes his head "I just don't like being annoying" "You being happy will never annoy me" "But....." "I'm not Jason and I'm not your father, you being happy will make me happier then anything, it will never annoy me" "They told me I should be seen not heard and I should just shut up and obey them, not talk about myself" "I'm the total opposite, I wanna hear everything you have to say. I'm gonna do something and I want you to promise that if it makes you happy you'll tell me. I don't care if you end up making out with me or hugging or jumping around screaming or whatever, be yourself and that will never be annoying to me, if you annoyed me we wouldn't be dating"

Pete seems suspicious but nods as I pull the box out of my pocket and hold it out to him "What is this" "Open it darling". After staring for a minute he takes it and slowly unwraps the bow then opens the box. He just stares at it for a while then looks up at me with teary eyes "You got me this?" "Dr Williams gave me the money and Brendon got it for me but I picked it so it's a gift from all of us" "You guys got me this?" "Yeah baby, do you like it"

He shakes his head and wipes his eyes then jumps onto me. I really thought he hated it when he seemed so unenthusiastic so I grab his waist as he pushes me down onto his bed and hugs me tight "God I love you, your the most perfect person I've ever met" "You deserve to be loved Pete" "Please never leave me" "I can't promise that but I'll be there for you, you'll always have people who love you so so much"

After hugging for a bit Pete sits up and let's me tie the bracelet around his wrist while he admires it "I like it, I've never really worn jewellery" "I used to wear leather bracelets with spikes on it everyday, I was such a loser" "That'd be cute" "It wasn't, no wonder I got bullied" "I won't get bullied for this will I" "No, it's just a cute bracelet, it's not a 13 year old kid with leather spike bracelets trying to be hardcore, plus no one will bully you here" "I like it, I don't want people to be mean because of it" "They won't"

I know I shouldn't but I let my hand trail up from Pete's hip to his cheek and move over to straddle him "I love you" "I love you too" "Your going out tomorrow right" "Yeah with my mummy" "I'll miss you" "I thought you would be with Brendon" "Yeah but I'll still miss you" "Your the best" "Would it be inappropriate to kiss you on your birthday" "Not at all"

My eyes flicker down to his lips as I lean in and kiss his lips then deepen the kiss. Just like he always does Brendon bursts into the room at the worst time possible laughing at us making out so I pull away and bury my face in Pete's shoulder with a groan. "What happened to innocently giving a present" "Go fuck yourself Brendon" "Naughty naughty naughty" "Please just go lock yourself in a cupboard and never come out" "Come on slutty"

He drags me off and throws his arm around my shoulder "You suck Brendon, I wish I never met you" "Lies lies lies" "You suck, next time you fuck Ryan I'm going to burst in and ruin it" "I wouldn't mind, I've always wanted a threesome and you are kinda hot"

There's pretty much no way to win with this idiot so I let him keep his arm around me and roll my eyes at Pete "What now darling" "I dunno" "It's your birthday my angel, you can have anything you want" "More kisses" "If that's what you want then yeah"

Brendon doesn't let me go but Pete skips over and pecks my lips softly "Games time" "But I thought you wanted kisses" "I do but I also want games and friends" "Alright angel".

Without warning Brendon throws me over his shoulder so I'm flailing, trying not to end up with my face in his ass as I hang over his shoulder. "Pete save me" "How?" "I don't know, hit the stupid motherfucker" "I don't want him to drop you, I don't want you to die" "Tell him he's a stupid fuck" "I think he heard you"

Brendon carries me off and makes sure to hit my leg against the door frame for calling him a stupid fuck as he goes. Ryan looks curious when we get to the lounge but just shrugs as Brendon drops me on the couch. Pete sits next to me but I pull him into my lap and slip my hands under the bottom of his shirt. He jolts away then relaxes back, letting me touch him while resting my chin on his shoulder to watch Ryan and Brendon argue about what we should do. Pete's hips slowly rock down against mine as I rub his lower back and enjoy the goosebumps that appear on his skin.

For some reason they pick monopoly which didn't go well last time me and Pete played and I doubt it'll go well this time because Brendon can yell a lot louder then Pete.

By the end there's cards everywhere and Brendon and Ryan have gone to angrily fuck in a bathroom until they decide whether Ryan cheated or not. He didn't but Brendon's a stubborn bitch and apparently angry sex is his favourite thing so he and Pete are stuck cleaning up.

Pete carefully stacks the cards while I do the money then he sits between my legs as I rub along his back again. "Brendon's kinda scary" "No he's not, he's just emotional, he'd never hurt anyone" "I know" "You got grumpy too when you lost, he's not scary angel" "I hate it when people yell" "I know angel but this is your birthday so you can tell us to stop anything at anytime, we're all yours today" "Can we go outside and get flowers" "Why" "I want flowers" "Then off we go"

The doors open so Pete cautiously goes out then waves to Dr Williams talking to the gardener and goes to pick roses off a bush. I sit down under the tree and pick daisies to make Pete a flower crown which I place on his head when he comes back to me. "My little flower angel" "I like this" "You look adorable" "I feel adorable"

Dr Williams walks back inside and smiles at Pete when he waves and point at the flowers in his head so we're alone out here which is really nice.

"Pete darling" "Yeah" "Do you know if you'll ever get let out of here" "I have to at some point but I don't know" "I haven't relapsed again so I might leave, I don't know, I don't wanna loose you"

Pete buries his head in my chest and whimpers "Don't leave me, please don't leave" "I might not have a choice" "Don't leave, this isn't a normal thing for me, I don't just date every new guy who likes me, your so special to me" "I know" "I'll never find someone else and I don't want anyone else, just stay with me" "Do you want me to slit my wrists again or something" "No but just say you don't wanna leave" "I'll have to leave when I'm 18 either way, this is for teenagers and I doubt they'd think I need to go somewhere else" "I need you, please stay with me, volunteer here or something" "I wouldn't be allowed" "Oh god don't leave me, I need you or I'll go back to being crap, if you leave you'll find someone else and I'll have no one"

He's definitely about to start crying and that isn't what I intended for his birthday so I wrap an arm around his waist to pull him into my lap "Baby don't cry, I'm not going to just break up with you and leave forever" "You'll find someone better, someone who's not broken" "I don't care, I love you and that's not something I've had before. We're young Petey so I don't know if we'll stay together but it will never end like that and we're friends so that won't end any time soon" "Don't leave" "I won't yet but I didn't want to just leave one day and leave you here sad, I want this to be open and I'm not going to lie to you" "When I get out will you wait for me" "Yes, as long as you keep the bracelet and you write to me as much as possible I'll be there"

Sighing loudly Pete slumps in my lap and kisses my cheek "I love you" "I love you too sweetheart" "I'm going to the doctors tomorrow with mummy, I'll find out if I'm broken" "It doesn't matter, I'll love you either way" "How could you" "Because I do, I'm just going to assume that you can't have sex and you might be technically broken so it won't upset me if you are. If your not it'll be amazing and I'll be so happy for you but if you are then it doesn't matter, I already presumed it and either way we'll be together"

We stay outside talking and making more flower crowns until Pete gets hungry and we go in to find something to eat, which he's gotten good at, maybe he'll end up getting out before me since he's been so good.


	29. Chapter 29

Pete's birthday was really fun to spend with him but when I wake up in the morning there's a scribble of black on my hand from him saying that he'll be back later and that he loves me which feels pretty nice. He wrote it in sharpie which could be interesting because it won't wash off for a while but its cute that he's put this on me like a little tattoo to claim me for himself.

Brendon actually doesn't ditch me this time and he eats breakfast with me, which is really nice pancakes which they've never done in the rest of the time I've been here. I get ripped black skinny jeans and a really soft grey hoodie so I can run after Brendon to his car then drive away.

As always, Brendon's really fun and we sing along loudly to Nirvana as he speeds down the highway. We stop off at a McDonald's to get frozen coke then as Brendon does a u-turn to get back onto the highway he hands me his phone. "Call and get some pizza" "We just had breakfast" "So what? You've never done anything like this and you haven't eaten any greasy takeaway food in months so I have to give you as much as possible today. Plus Dr Williams gave me a credit card I can use up to $500 so we have a lot of food to buy" "Why would 2 guys need $500 worth of food?" "Why wouldn't we, I'll eat it all by myself if you're gonna be a bitch"

I'm very confused with him so I just order the pizza to the address Brendon tells me then stalk some of his messages until I find the ones with Ryan and stop when I see a dick pick. It's the first thing on there so he's not hiding it, I'm not even going to question why he was sending Ryan nudes at 4am because I don't think I'll like the answer so I just go onto his instagram.

I've never had instagram before because I had nothing to post and no friends to follow but Brendon's has 5 accounts at once and they all seem to be pretty amusing. One is mostly pictures of him and occasionally Ryan, one is a meme account which is my favourite, another is an LGBT account which I'm guessing he admins, another is just a private version of the first then the last is full of nudes. It's private and only has one follower which is Ryan but it's kind of hilarious that he has this whole account just to show Ryan nudes. Do they ever even wear clothes around each other because this is just strange.

Brendon turns to look at me when we turn off the highway and get stuck at a set of lights "What are you laughing at" "Your instagram" "Those memes?" "No your dick" "Oh yeah, I should have logged out of that" "You should have just not made it" "Where's the fun in that" "You're so weird" "I know, I have a nice dick though" "Yeah yeah, it's lovely"

I go back to the meme account and scroll through his feed for a bit as I finish the frozen coke then shake my head "The pizza should be done soon" "I know which is why I'm hurrying home because I don't wanna miss the pizza" "Do you live by yourself?" "Yeah I'm a mature adult" "Well adult maybe" "I can live by myself which is better then you because you can't even drive so shut up about my life, I'm more fabulous then you can even dream" "I love you sometimes Bren" "Of course you do, I'm fabulous"

Brendon's house ends up being a pretty small apartment with his bedroom in the basement where I can throw myself face first into it and moan loudly "This is perfect" "It's a bed" "It's like a cloud, I've been stuck in a tiny scratchy bed with only one pillow for months, this is amazing" "Wanna fuck" "In your dreams" "Actually my dreams feature Ryan tied up in chains, wanna watch a movie?" "I'm not even going to comment" "Do you want a movie bitch" "Yeah" "What do you want?" "Gay porn" "Bitch I'll put in the fucking little mermaid in a minute" "Alright, under da sea slutty" "Fuck off, I wanna make you go crying to your boyfriend so we'll watch something scary" "Hell no" "It the clown?" "I'm fucking terrified of clowns" "That's the point, you swear a lot" "I know, it's a bad habit and you make it worse" "Your welcome, totally corrupting that child though" "It's what datings for"

As he searches for the DVD the door bell rings so I grab Brendon's wallet from his back pocket, which makes him moan dramatically then I run upstairs. The guy delivering the pizzas cute and gives me his number as I pay him which is pretty cool, I shouldn't keep it since I have Pete but I do.

Brendon snatches it off me when I go back down though and laughs "Someones gonna get laid" "I'm taken" "So am I but I don't give a fuck" "You can have it if you want" "Hell yeah, what's his number"

Smirking Brendon puts in the number and sends him a text saying 'Hi xx' which makes us both laugh. "Is he cute, I don't wanna be flirting with someone who's not even my type" "Yeah he was like 18 or 19, really tall, Mexican, black hair, jeans, pretty cute" "I like your choice" "Yeah, he'd never go for me though, I'm too much baggage" "Good because I'm going for that booty" "What about Ry?" "Threesome, he's pretty chill" "Really?" "No he's an overprotective bitch but as long as it's only sexting it's cool" "Pete would kill me even for that" "Like you wouldn't do the same if Pete talked to someone" "True" "Keep the number" "Why" "When you get a phone you can get nudes" "I'd prefer Pete's" "Yeah but that's illegal since he's underage" "Yeah fine, I'll keep it just to shut you up"

Brendon gets a text back from the guy saying 'Who's this?' to which the idiot replies 'The next person to touch your booty' quickly followed by 'JK it's the friend of guy you delivered pizza to. He's taken but he gave me your number'.

We don't get a reply so Brendon stuffs his face with pizza and bumps my arm "You think he'll wanna come back if we order another pizza and I can get laid" "You have a boyfriend" "I'll text Ryro about it" "Just wait so you don't scare him off by wanting to fuck him without ever meeting him"

Bren turns on the movie and puts an arm around my shoulders as the opening scene starts. It isn't as scary as I thought and Brendon seems more scared then me which is hilarious. We get a few texts but Bren ignores them all while try to play hard to get.

After eating all the pizza and daring each other to check each part of the house to see if killer clowns are hiding anywhere, we go to the mall. It's typical and boring but it's fun and we have so much money to spend and I don't wanna go home with any left.

We end up buying lots of Starbucks then walking around looking at things in the window until I dare Brendon to go into a girls clothes store and try on the most ridiculous skirt he can find. With a smirk he struts in and picks a light pink skirt off the rack and prances to the room to try it on. When he comes out he looks kinda good in it and the band shirt he's wearing over it makes it look pretty awesome. I swear only Brendon could prance into a skirt to try on a skirt because he got dared to and actually make it look kinda good.

He hands me his phone so I can take a photo which I quickly post on his private Instagram and on the one with all his nudes for Ryan. As I thought Ryan quickly likes it and asks what the hell me and Brendon are doing to which I just give him a winking emoji because Brendon glares at me. "Alright bitch where did you post it?" "The Ryan one which is being appreciated and the private" "Ok good, I do look pretty fucking hot" "You're a weirdo" "I know, your turn"

Ignoring my protests he a black lacy dress and forces me through the door to try it on. After him threatening to come in and force it on me I give up and put it on like he tells me to. Then I unlock the door for Brendon he comes in, still in his skirt, and points his phone at the mirror "Look pretty bitch" "No fuck off" "Only Ryan will see it" "I look stupid" "You look like a hot stripper, Pete will love it" "Don't show Pete" "Your boyfriend needs to see" "Fuck you" "I'm a top honey, fuck you"

I'm not getting out of this easily so I just do a peace sign in front of my face to hide my awkwardness so Brendon can just take the picture. "Fabulous bitch" "Whatever can I get out of this now" "Sure, strip for me"

He's so stupid as he whips the skirt off and looks at me "Let's get naked and wild bitch" "Shut up slutty" "I have a nice ass, why not show it off" "Buy the skirt then" "I will" "Let's hurry up before people think it's weird we're in here and you're talking about getting naked"

I quickly change, ignoring Brendon's staring at my ass "Can I use your money to get it" "It's Dr Williams so go ahead" "Fuck yeah, this is a worthy investment of money" "I doubt it" "Shut up, we have the money and I'm hot so we're using it" "I'm not buying this dress" "No it doesn't really look good, you're a good man not a good girl, I'm so fabulous I'm good at everything"

The woman at the counter looks at Brendon very weirdly but he buys the skirt and proudly walks out with his arm through mine.

We still have loads of money so we shop for a bit longer until Brendon finds hot topic and drags me straight in without a thought. "How many band shirts do you have" "More then I have of anything else I think" "That's good, I want a new one for the skirt because if you're not spending your money then I will" "You'd spend it even if I did want it" "Don't make me seem like such an asshole, you're totally right but you don't have to say it"

I find a cool Black Sabbath shirt and a Green Day one so I get those while Brendon skips around the store looking for shirts until he finds a Nirvana one which he says will look good and he gets it. The he insists on both of us buying snapbacks so we only have a couple of hundred left. It's still more money then I've ever really had so I skip along with Brendon with our arms linked.

"Has pizza boy replied?" "I dunno, I haven't checked since I said I wanted to touch his booty then said I was your friend" "Check then slutty"

There's 3 new messages when he checks which makes Brendon very happy and he shows me the phone. The first says 'Oh ok, you single?' then the next 'You dead cos I'm horny' then the last from 5 minutes ago 'You have my number if you ever wanna come over and touch my booty since you seem to want to'

I can't believe Brendon, after 5 texts with a guy he's already got the guy wanting to get fucked by him. It took me like a week before Pete would even talk to me and I never had anyone even vaguely interested in me before that, I'm impressed and jealous of Brendon. "Let me reply" "Don't be a prude and loose me the booty" "I won't stupid"

After a while I just try some awkward dirty talk since that's what they seem to be doing 'I just might take you up on that offer'. A minute later I get a reply which ends up being a picture of his dick through his boxers captioned with 'I want you'.

Immediately I throw the phone back at Brendon "Take it, I'm done, I can't do this anymore" "Aww your poor innocent eyes" "Fuck off, I didn't need to see his penis" "I do"

They talk for a while and Brendon reads out the messages then points the camera at me "Smile bitch" "Fuck off, he knows it's you not me" "But he wants to see I'm real" "Show him you" "Both of us" "Fine"

Again I cover my face with my hands and let him take the picture then after more awkward sexting I turn to Brendon "We should go back soon" "Nah today's Brendy day" "What do we do on Brendy day" "Do you have a driver's license or anything" "No I can't drive and I'm in a mental hospital, why would I have that" "I wanted to go to an R18 movie" "We're both 17" "But I can pretend to be 18" "Just go to an R16" "Or we could sneak into one" "That's bad" "I know, that's why I wanna do it" "Bad slut" "Yup"

After a few more minutes of Brendon's whining I agree and let myself get dragged to the movies where Brendon buys tickets to Finding Dory then we sneak into the movie playing across the hall. I don't know what it is and we missed the first few minutes but there's a half naked girl on the screen when we walk in so Brendon seems pretty satisfied with himself.

We sit in the first aisle so people don't see us and the movie ends up being 90% sex scenes, naked people and drugs but it's kinda good. Brendon laughs the whole way through and then we walk off and I'm pretty confident Brendon will find something else to spend all our money on and more ridiculous things to do all day, he's a pretty good best friend.


	30. Chapter 30

**Patrick's POV**

I'm almost asleep after getting back to the hospital after the whole day with Brendon when Pete bursts into my room sobbing and throws himself on top of me. Ryan stands at the door and shakes his head at Pete but closes the door halfway so we can have some privacy.

"Petey, darling what's wrong" "I'm broken, I'm broken, I'm so fucking broken and it's disgusting" "Shh darling, don't say that, what happened?" "Today was so good and it was amazing but we went to the doctors" "What happened" "I'm broken" "Tell me, what happened?" "He said my ass is still healing and it would hurt a lot to have sex and I probably wouldn't be able to orgasm if I did" "I'm sorry sweetheart" "I'm sorry, I wanted to give you something amazing but I'm just broken, you wanted something good but all I did was give you something ruined"

He's hysterically crying as he presses his face as far as he can into my bed and tries to sink into a ball and die. I wish he could be perfect and not be so hurt like this but he is so there's nothing I can do except convince him it doesn't matter to me.

"Petey it doesn't matter" "Your stuck with me, your stuck with me as your stuffed up useless boyfriend, I can't even have sex" "I'm asexual, I didn't want sex from you, I want to love you" "But I'm so broken" "I don't care, just because one part of you is broken it doesn't mean your broken or that I can't love you"

I gather Pete up in my arms and sit him across my lap so I can hold him tight as he quietly whispers to himself to stop crying. "I love you so so much" "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm broken" "Don't be" "I'm sorry" "Don't apologise to me baby, you've done nothing wrong" "I'm just so sorry, I wanted to have sex with you" "There are so many things we can do instead, we can be intimate in so many ways, don't worry about it" "I'm so horrible" "Being raped and violated doesn't make you horrible, it's not your fault and there's nothing you can do" "I shouldn't have let this happen" "You were a kid darling, there's nothing you could have done, I don't care and I told you I didn't, it doesn't matter, as long as your ok and healthy it doesn't matter"

Pete whimpers and doesn't say anything but he crawls into my bed and let's me hold him so maybe my speech did work. I thought he'd want to talk more but he cries for a while longer then falls asleep quickly and only sniffs in his sleep ever now and again. I guess all that crying tired him out, plus it's already super late.

I don't fall asleep for a while but Ryan comes and checks on his twice before waving and presumably going home to get sleep for himself.

Pete wakes up before me in the morning and he's crying again when I wake up to him trying to get out of my arms. "Sweetheart stop, what's wrong" "Nothing, I'm fine, totally fine" "No your not, I'm not stupid" "I know but I'm horrible" "Stop this, I don't want you talking like this about yourself" "You should dump me, you'll leave soon and you don't want to be tied down by your kid boyfriend in a mental asylum who's mentally and physically fucked up" "Don't swear baby" "You do" "But you don't, don't swear like that my darling" "I'm sorry" "I know but you don't have to be, I'm not angry or upset" "I love you, I'd do anything for you, please don't leave me, I'm sorry"

I really am getting nowhere with Pete and I don't know what to say. He doesn't seem to know what it means when I say I'm asexual and don't want sex from him. Every man in his life so far has taken sex from him and forced him to do things for them for protection or for whatever their fucked up form of love is but I won't. I don't want sex from anyone and if me and Pete did end up married but he couldn't have sex I would gladly forget about it and not ask for sex if Pete couldn't do it. What a terrible time with his mother when he's been so good lately. Maybe he should have waited before going to the doctors so he could have a good day.

"Patrick, do you hate me?" "I hate the things your thinking about yourself but I could never hate you" "I can't even let you fuck me, I'm so broken" "But you could Pete, you could let me fuck you if that's what you wanted it would just hurt and might end up doing a lot of damage to you. You can do it and your willing to, I refuse to hurt you, I'm not going to break you and we're not married yet and I've told you how I feel about sex before marriage. Maybe if we do end up together in the future you might be ok then but don't worry for now. You're ok and your brain and your mouth and every part I care about are ok. What did you think asexual meant?"

I don't know how well this is working but Pete just looks so broken and I hate it, I hate it that the guy I love so so much is sad. He's the first person who's made me this happy and him, Brendon and Ryan have got me to stop self harming easier then I ever thought I could and it helps. No one ever told me it could be this easy, every other time I've tried to stop it was horrible but every time I get urges I just spend time with any of those 3 and it stops, they make me so so happy. I can't stand the idea of this perfect boy being so upset, he's helped me so much so I wanna help him, I don't want him in so much pain because of me, this relationship should help him not hurt him.

"I'm sorry" "Every time you say that I'll say the same thing, it doesn't matter. Can you tell me what the doctor said, can you tell me what parts of you are broken" "My ass still, it's not bad but it would be if I had anal which I'm sorry about. My dick because I probably couldn't orgasm, I don't know if it's physical or they just think I wouldn't be able to work myself up to it but either way I'm sorry. You love me, you deserve to have every part of me and for it to be yours. I wanted to be a virgin until marriage like you. I wanted to give something beautiful and pure and perfect to the guy I'm spending my whole life with but I can't, I wanted it to be you but I can't give you that"

Again he's on the verge of tears so I hug him closer and kiss his forehead "Is that all, is the rest of you ok" "I think so, my brain obviously isn't because I'm crazy but otherwise yeah" "Your not crazy" "I'm anorexic, bulimic, have anxiety, depression and trauma and it hasn't changed for 2 years, I'm fucking crazy" "Don't swear, it's not who you are, don't do it just because your upset" "I'm sorry" "Don't apologise, you just don't need bad habits" "You swear" "Yeah but it's a bad habit, I'd much rather be a person who says gosh darn instead of shit but it just comes out, sometimes my mouth has no filter" "I don't care, I love you anyway" "So why is it so hard to believe that I love you" "Swearing like most teenagers do is different then never being able to have sex" "How? It's irrelevant to how much I love you"

Talking isn't getting anywhere with Pete right now and going around in circles as he makes himself cry isn't good, there's a lot more productive ways to try to show him I love him.

Pete tries to object when I cut off his next argument with a kiss but quickly gives up and sinks into it. The beds are only singles so Pete's trapped against the wall as I push myself closer, trying to smother the gorgeous boy in as much love as possible.

I roll over so Pete's pulled on top of me and I can tightly hold his waist as we keep kissing. It quickly changes from quick hot kissing to slow making out which is definitely my favourite thing which is good because Pete seems to love it too.

When he pulls away I chase after him but Pete cups my face and sighs "See, this is why it sucks" "What darling?" "This, usually people would go further and we'd sleep together but you can't with me, you can't even freely touch me in case I freak out. We're together, alone in bed and the kissing is amazing so I want to do something for you and we should but I can't because I'm useless. It feels horrible that this is all you'll ever get, my bodies stuffed up and ugly so you'll never want to see it and you can't even bend me over and bang me because I'm broken, you'll have nothing"

The kissing was so good like he said but we're back at the same place. "Pete I'd never have sex with you right now no matter what anyone said or how broken you are" "But I want to, I want you to have that and this would be good because you could just fuck me while we're alone together but we can't. You'll never be able to bend me over and do whatever you want, you won't be able to fuck me in bed and even if you did I'd bleed and be in pain and you'd be so annoyed that I can't shut up and take it"

What even is this relationship to him, all he thinks about is the sex part, no matter how many times I say I'm asexual he thinks it's something I'll want from him. Me being annoyed because he won't shut up and take it is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, I'm not a rapist and I want Pete to love being with me, not for him to do what I say because he's scared of me.

"Pete you don't get it" "I do, I'm not what you'd want, I'm sorry I wasted your time, I should have told you how useless I am" "Your so strong Pete, what happened" "I'm useless" "You've been amazing lately, now your just hiding from your own shadow" "My own shadows disgusting" "Pete I'm going to say something and please don't take it badly. I'm glad your broken, I'm glad that you can't have sex and I'm glad that there is going to be boundaries for us. I hate that those assholes touched you and scarred you and ever did that but I am glad this is where we are" "Don't you want me? Don't you want to be with me" "I love you more then anything, how could you ask that?" "You don't want me" "I do, I love you more then I've ever loved anyone in 17 years, don't tell me that I don't. I'm asexual Pete, do you need a dictionary definition, I don't want sex, no matter who you are or how much I love you or how broken you are, I will not have sex, please respect that"

Pete throws the covers off himself and stands up, wiping tears off his face "I'm sorry, I should have told you before we got serious" "You did, you told me you can't have sex and Dr Williams told me that and I don't give a shit, this might be your priority but its not mine. I'd rather date a beautiful boy who I love a lot and who I can imagine spending my whole life with instead of someone who can just have sex with me" "It isn't my priority it-" "Then stop this, I'm so done with this, if you wanna break up find a proper reason because I'm not letting my favourite person in the world leave without a fight. I'll buy a dildo if I'm horny and you can give me a handjob or kiss me while I use it, I don't care Pete, I'm getting a fucking dictionary so you can find what asexual means"

I'm pretty pissed now that he won't listen to me. I know he's shy and beautiful and insecure but I really thought he'd listen, I love him and I hate that nothing I say can convince him how much I do love him.

"I'm sorry" "Stop Pete, I don't want you to apologise" "I mean I'm sorry for making drama, I'm sorry" "It's ok" "I've cried too many times and you've put up with so much crap, that's why I wanna give you something good but if you don't want me to I'll stop" "Baby if you want to do something for me it's ok, as long as it's not sexual I'll probably love most things we do together" "Sorry" "Don't apologise" "I shouldn't annoy you like this" "I love you, you don't annoy me, just remember that sex is irrelevant, love is all I want right now"

Finally he seems to understand and even if he doesn't he'll listen to me and agree just because he's upset and doesn't want to fight. Maybe another time I can try to convince him again that romantic things are so much better then sexual but for now we can just be together a bit before Ryan comes back after last night, probably with Dr Williams.

"Petey, come back to bed" "I thought you didn't want me there" "I love you, I said I don't want sex not cuddling" "Ok, is it ok if I get in?" "I asked you to didnt I?" "Yeah I guess"

Pete crawls in next to me and presses his warm face into my shoulder "I love you" "I love you too" "Stay with me, please stay with me" "I will, as long as you want"


	31. Chapter 31

**Pete's POV**

I spend the morning with Patrick because Ryan has a college lecture he needs to go to so he won't be here today and it's nice. Brendon occasionally appears just to look like he's doing his job instead of sending Ryan dick pics all day but he doesn't do a lot so me and Patrick spend most of the day in bed. I have to go talk to Dr Williams for a while leaving Patrick in his room, apparently helping Brendon text some guy.

She tells me mostly the same things Patrick told me and tells me that it really doesn't matter because I'm so young and it won't be anything I need to think about for at least another year. Her and Patrick keep telling me that and I guess I should listen but I do feel bad for Patrick. He loves me though and I love him and he did say there are so many other things we can do together and I wanna do them, I can make things so beautiful and romantic that it won't matter about my broken body.

When I get back Brendon's in bed with Patrick and they're both laughing at something Brendon's doing so I sit at the end of Patrick's bed to wait for them to finish. Brendon's phone bings and they both scream with laughter and Brendon jumps up "There is an innocent child in the room, I'll leave now" "Go send dick pics, you've got a line forming for them" "Bye bitch" "Bye slutty"

Once he leaves I can crawl in bed with Patrick and kiss the side of his neck "I love you" "I love you too" "What are you guys doing" "Talking to a guy who delivered us pizza" "You both have boyfriends" "Yeah but Bren likes dick pics and I just find their dirty talking funny" "Don't dump me" "I won't, don't think that" "I'll dirty talk if you want" "Please don't, it's cringy and I'd much prefer to kiss" "I won't then" "Good, your too cute and innocent for that, plus I'd like to think your more romantic then that and you'd do something better then awkward sex talk if you wanted to do something special"

I peck his lips then slip my fingers through his "Dr Williams said the same as you, I shouldn't have sex and I shouldn't worry unless it's giving me health problems or pain" "Is it?" "No" "Good, then it's all fine"

I wrap my arms around his waist and let him pull me close. It's scary and sometimes awkward but I do like it when he dominates me and people are always around so if I got scared or he hurt me people would be instantly here. It's nice to have him on top of me because he's smothering me in love, not fear like I'm used to. It does get too much quickly though so normal kissing is also really really nice.

Before we can do much Brendon's back with a greasy smelling bag that he chucks onto the bed "Ryro came to take me home and he brought you guys food, you deserve deserve greasy junk food for a change, see you losers" "Get the fuck out asshole" "Don't do anything I wouldn't" "I think what you should be saying is that we shouldn't do anything that you would do if you were here with Ryan" "Yeah, don't do anything Pete's mummy wouldn't approve of then"

I blush and burry my face under the bed because it's pretty embarrassing when Brendon says it. I know I'm younger then them and I do act childish sometimes but I didn't realise how stupid I sounded. I've always called her mummy because she is my mummy and I didn't think it was bad to call her that, it does sound stupid when Brendon says it though.

He leaves quickly, probably because Ryan's waiting and they're both horny, and Patrick grabs the McDonalds bag. I haven't eaten it in a while because it's so unhealthy and because I've been here for ages but it does seem nice, I'll feel like a normal teenager for a bit, eating junk food with my boyfriend in bed.

"Want fries?" "Yeah" "I think Bren got burgers so do you want one" "Yeah I guess so" "Chicken or not chicken" "Which ones smaller" "The not chicken" "I'll have that then"

Patrick carefully lays it out across out laps so we can share fries out of the bag as I nibble at the top of the burger. I don't like the idea of shoving it all in my mouth so I'm just eating the top bun then I'll eat the rest so I can try to eat slower which always makes me feel better about it.

"Petey what's your favourite food?" "Indian" "Really?" "Yeah I liked the spicy food and the curries and things were healthy so I liked it" "I wanna eat that with you sometime then" "Yeah, I'll make your mouth burn" "My little macho man" "I just like hot food" "And I like hot boys" "I'm the only hot boy you can have" "Yeah, I love you my hot boy" "That's my favourite thing for you to say" "It's my favourite thing to say"

Patrick finishes before me and amuses himself kissing everywhere on my body he can reach and drawing patterns on my thigh. It's awkward at first letting him play with me and touch me so intimately while watching me eat but I guess I really am getting more comfortable around him. A while ago I'd never let anyone do even one of those things and now I'm letting him do all three at once and I love how well he does with me. He's made me trust him so much and I love that I can break down my walls for him.

Slowly his hand slips up higher so he's rubbing just below the line of my boxers. He doesn't move any further and satisfies himself by rubbing that spot and kissing my ear as I finish the other half of the burger.

I wish so badly I could get a boner right now which might be weird but I want it. Most guys get embarrassed about it or try not to get boners but I'd love to get one just so I could let Patrick in and trust him enough to fix it for me. I can't work myself up to it though no matter how hard I try but Patrick doesn't push and feeds me fries as his hand goes back down to the bottom of my thigh.

I'm glad he's the one I'm with, he respects boundaries and even if he does make me try new things he always knows what I'll like. He's probably lying about not wanting sex, he's asexual but I think he does want sex when he gets close with someone, being like that has a name but I can't remember it. He's said before that he wants to do things and he's gotten turned on in front of me so I want to as well. I'll stop being upset in front of him because I know he'll respect the fact that I can't and he's not mad about it but it feels crap. He's the person I love more then anything but I still have to have boundaries and can't give all of myself up.

"Baby, did you have a good day with Brendon" "Yeah it was great darling, how was yours" "Good until the end, me and my brother tried to be friends again and he drew fake tattoos on me, I got one of your name" "Do you actually want one" "No I don't want tattoos and I'd never get a name because things change but it's pretty to look at and it was nice to do with him, he used to be really homophobic"

I push my sleeve up so Patrick can see his name written in sharpie just below my shoulder which he kisses gently "Your so beautiful" "Do you like it?" "If it was real I'd freak but yeah, I like it" "I did one on myself, wanna see?" "Of course"

Giggling I pull my shirt up so he can see the badly drawn bat on my lower stomach. Again Patrick puts his hands on my hips and leans down so he can kiss it "Your so fucking perfect" "Stop swearing, your making me do it too" "Don't let my bad habits rub off, your just irresistible"

Patrick seems happy and even if I can't do a lot I like the idea of turning him on so I roll over to perch on his lap and giggle "I love you" "I love you too" "I made you something as well" "What is it sweetheart?" "I made you a friendship bracelet" "That's adorable" "I don't know how to make a boyfriend bracelet but it's good enough" "Where is it" "Here"

I take it from under my pillow and hold it out "Do you like it, I didn't know what kind of things you like so I just made a rainbow bracelet" "I'm very gay so I like it" "I'm going back to high school" "Wait wait, what?" "I'm going back to high school but it's a different one this time and maybe it'll be good" "Is that a good idea" "No but tomorrow I'll go to high school and we'll see what happens" "Where did this come from?" "Dr Williams planned it a week ago and I didn't wanna tell you" "Why?" "You'd talk me out of it and I don't want you to" "I just worry about you" "Ryan's coming and I need time to try this again, I just wanna be normal for once" "Ok baby, ok, stay safe ok" "I will, I'm excited" "I love you, don't find another boy and dump me" "No, never never never"


	32. Chapter 32

**Patrick's POV**

Thanks to his exceedingly short notice on the fact he was going back to school, Petes gone in the morning and there's another scribble on my hand next to the one from his trip with his mum that's almost faded. I need to get him a proper pen so I don't end up with a completely stained black hand from all his writing on it. It just says he's gone to school and that he loves me so it makes me pretty happy that he does always want to tell me where he's gone and that he loves me. Maybe he's just very attached to people when he gets close or maybe he just likes the idea of people knowing where he is so he knows he's safe.

I have therapy with Dr Williams where she very obviously leaves scissors in front of me when she leaves the room for a bit. I know it's supposed to test me but I'm not that stupid, I'm not dumb just because I hurt myself and I do have s brain to keep from being caught and sent here a long time ago. Maybe that would have been nice though because I could have spent more time with Ryan, Brendon and Pete before having to deal with the real world again.

I spend the rest of the morning reading which I've fallen behind on lately and when Pete bounces into the room smiling I barely notice. "Patty" "Hey darling" "I had an amazing day" "That's awesome sweetheart" "Yeah I know, I met a guy in my biology class who was really nice and maybe I'll make a friend"

He babbles for a while about his day and he's so happy which is a great thing to see. I didn't like this idea but I guess Dr Williams really does know what she's doing because Pete seems to have had the best day.

"Are you going back there soon?" "Yeah I think so, I hope so" "Will you go to school normally?" "I think it was just going to be a couple of days a week and I'd get all the work from the classes to do here. Maybe later I'll go back properly but for now I can't really, I'm not ready for constant school and stress everyday"

Pete cuddles up against me and kisses my cheek "My friends name is Russell and he's really nice, he looks like a leprechaun and has an accent which is cool. I like the idea of having a new friend, he seems like he'd be nice and he's funny so it's not awkward" "Will you tell him why you don't go to school a lot" "Maybe, I don't really know him" "I hope you make a friend darling" "I told him I was gay and he was so nice about it, he said he's questioning his sexuality and he was just so nice, no ones ever reacted that good to it"

As much as I hate the idea of Pete spending so much time with another man and that man making Pete happier then I do, I like that he's getting comfortable. He trusts people and he can let people be nice to him and make friends without being so scared and I'm happy for him.

"I have homework, I'm excited" "For homework?" "Yeah I like doing school work and I don't wanna fall behind or do badly, plus I really like English and that's what I'm doing" "Are you leaving then?" "Yeah but I'll be back later" "Ok darling, love you" "I love you two"

He leaves to do his homework so I stay with my book which is a lot less exciting now that I've been with Pete and gotten ditched before we could properly even talk.

Pete goes to school another 2 times that week and both days he comes back happy and talks to me a lot about everything. I really should stop doubting Dr Williams because she's a professional psychologist and she knows Pete best. I've never seen him this hyper and excited about something and the few times he has been super happy it never lasted this long, I hope nothing happens to ruin this for him. High school is shit usually but maybe I'm just really biased about that based on how Pete doesn't seem unhappy.

Apparently a couple of other people from the hospital are going to the same school and he has a couple of classes with one of the girls who is going so that's good. For some reason going to a school where everyone seems to be a good person is a really good way to get people here back into the real world and get them used to stuff. I'd be such a crappy therapist honestly because I didn't except any of this.

On Friday Pete comes back and jumps on my lap, showering me with kisses which is definitely one of the best parts of any day. "Hey baby" "Hey" "How was your day sweetheart" "Amazing again" "That's good, I love seeing you happy" "Russell invited me to his house tomorrow and Dr Williams said she's thinking about whether it's a good idea, an actual friend invited me to his house, I have actual friends" "You barely know him" "Yeah but he's cool about me missing days of school and I'm going to tell him why if I go over and I really think he'll be a good friend"

I let Pete talk for a while longer then when he leaves I just lie facedown in my bed, screaming into my pillow for a while. I wanted to be the first man to invite Pete to my house and do things like that for him. He's been in my room but it's not a proper place where I live, most rooms here are the same so it's not a big deal. Now he's going to another guys house who he seems to like so much and after all his worry about me leaving him for someone better I know how he feels. I thought he'd be the one stuck here after I left but I guess it's the other way around.

Begging Dr Williams to take away the most happiness Pete's felt in a long time would make me the worst boyfriend ever but I want to do it. I want to go and cry to her and tell her not to let him go because I refuse to loose a guy I love because of another guy. Pete's young and of course he'll want to experiment but I thought someone older who was willing to love him and protect him and be there through whatever he needed was going to be exciting enough for him. I can't expect a teenage relationship to last forever but there is a chance it could have. Some people meet their soul mates in high school or while they're young so I wanted to be that person. I don't wanna be 50 and still never been about to find a proper relationship so if I find someone now it'll be so much easier to be happy.

After screaming until my voice breaks and I worry someone will hear and come in I decide to just go to Dr Williams. She probably won't take into account my jealously but if she thinks meeting a friend is good for Pete maybe it'll help me. I want him happy so maybe hearing someone who's basically a mother to him tell me that I'm being selfish will make me stop being a bitch about it.

I'm supposed to meet with her tomorrow so she's probably surprised when I turn up but I throw myself into the chair and start ranting about how much I love Pete which she cuts off pretty quickly. "Patrick is this about Pete and his friend?" "Why would you think that?" "Because I've gotten to know you and it's my job" "Maybe I just love Pete" "I know you do but not enough to come here just to tell me what I already know from seeing you two together. Pete said maybe you'd be unhappy about it and I said you'd accept his happiness" "I will, I just-" "You don't wanna loose the boyfriend you love for another man who can give him more. I've heard it many times from Pete because you two aren't as different as you seem to be, so I'll say the same as I've said to him every time he's told me he'll loose you. If he truly loves you he'll stay and if he doesn't it would have never worked out anyway, talk to each other, that's the same thing every couple needs to hear"

After a bunch more annoyingly good advice I trudge back to my room in a sulk. I wanted her to say something for me to argue with and to listen to my complaining. Good solid advice might be good in the long run but I just wanted to rant and let my fears out, it'd be easier to do it to her then Pete because with him there's the risk of him standing up and leaving me. Why does she have to be so good at her job and be so rational, just once can't I get bad advice that will make things more comfortable for me instead of doing all this hard stuff.

Pete's waiting in my room when I get back and pulls me over to sit next to him as he bounces up and down "Patty, Ryan said he'd tell Dr Williams he's met Russell and I should be allowed to go, Ryros so awesome and I might actually get to do it. What do normal people do at each other's houses?" "I've never done it" "You did with Brendon" "Yeah we just ate pizza, watched scary movies, dirty talked with the pizza guy over text then went shopping to use all our money. Then we got Starbucks and came back" "That's sounds good" "I know, it was pretty fun" "But I don't know about Russell" "You'll find something, otherwise he wouldn't ask you to come" "Yeah I guess"

Slowly he kisses down my jaw and nuzzles at my neck "I love you" "I love you too sweetheart" "Where were you?" "When?" "When I was waiting here" "With Dr Williams" "I didn't know you had a session today" "I just wanted to talk to her" "Are you sad?" "I'm not sad" "I don't want you sad, I'll make you happy if you are" "How about Sunday we just be together, I've barely spent proper time with you lately so finish all your work and everything tomorrow and Sunday can be just us" "Yeah ok" "I've missed you honey" "I'm sorry, I've just been busy" "That's ok, I'm happy your happy, I just want some time with you" "I want time with you too, I love you so so much" "I love you too a million times honey"

Pete gives me another kiss and we sit there cuddling for a while until again Pete has homework so I'm left here by myself as always. Bren has more exams so he's not around much and Ryan spends most of his time either with Pete or doing actual work so I can't be around him a lot.

The talk didn't go the way Dr Williams said it should but it does make me feel better. He's promised to spend a day with me when his other friends and his schoolwork can be irrelevant and I can just had some time with that beautiful boy. He does still love me obviously from all the cuddling and kissing and how easily he agreed to the time with me. He's still beautiful shy Pete, apologising for things that aren't his fault and caring so much about me if there's even a possibility of me being upset. He's still my boyfriend and one new guy in his life isn't going to change that for now.


	33. Chapter 33

**Patrick's POV**

I don't get any writing on my hand or a note left for me this morning which is probably the worst thing that's ever happened in all of human history. Every time he went to school Pete left me writing on my hand and I've gotten used to it and used to having sharpie all over my hand but now I don't. I carefully look everywhere and even strip naked to check he didn't leave it anywhere, even though checking to see if he wrote on my ass is probably stupid since he'd never do that and wouldn't go to so much trouble to write there when my hands available.

I mope around until Brendon comes and forced me to go get something to eat. We play poker again and kicking Brendon's ass cheers me up a bit so I can do some work Dr Williams left me afterwards since I don't wanna go back to school like Pete. I've been refusing so she's given me school work but maybe I should go back even if it would annoy Pete  and I'd intrude with his new friend. I wanna look after him though and I want to make sure I don't loose my boyfriend so maybe I should. I doubt Dr Williams would like my reason for doing it though so I'll consider it, only for Pete though.

By the time Pete gets back it's almost 8 and he ignores me completely just to go to his room and shut himself in there. I wanna know if he's ok but Ryan says he is and he's just tired so I go to my own room for a while.

When it gets to 10 and I miss him too much I sneak out to tap lightly on Pete's door and when he doesn't say anything I slip in. Pete's cuddled up in bed like a cute little lump as I go over and kneel next to his bed "Sweetheart are you ok?" "Hey Patty" "You ok?" "Yeah, I'm fine" "Can I get in" "Yeah ok"

Carefully I pull the covers back so I can slip in and curl my body against his back. We lie for a while just listening to each other's breathing and staying close until Pete sighs and turns around to face me.

"Hey darling" "Hey" "Are you sure your ok?" "It was hard, I haven't had to make friends in a while, it was easy with you" "Did you talk to him?" "No, I was scared" "You don't have to be" "I can't loose him, he's my only friend at school" "If he's a good guy then he'll accept you" "But I hate it, I hate who I am" "Ok darling, I know but your a beautiful person, you don't have to be ashamed of who you are" "How can I tell my new friend I'm in a mental hospital because I got abused and raped by my dad and ex boyfriend, I just want a friend" "Take it slow" "I couldn't even say I didn't like being touched, it was terrifying and I'm so tired from controlling myself at every touch just so I didn't run away"

He quietly sobs against my chest and links his hand through mine and lets me rest our hands on his hip. "Angel you should just tell him" "He's the only friend I have at school" "He won't be mad" "What if he wants sex, if I say what's happened to me he'll want it from me" "If he does then he's disgusting and you shouldn't be around him, he won't though" "He will" "No, we're dating and I don't expect that so why would a friend you just made expect that" "He kissed me"

Pete whispers into my chest then turns his head away from me and clings onto my hand "I'm sorry" "What the fuck do you mean" "H-h-he kissed me" "Why?" "He's questioning his sexuality and he wanted to" "He can question it with someone who doesn't already have a boyfriend" "He apologised but he doesn't know I have a boyfriend" "Tell him" "He might be mad" "Why?" "I lied and led him on and he won't like it" "Not telling him in the first week of knowing him isn't lying and deceiving him" "But I'm scared" "Why did he kiss you? Did you kiss back?" "No" "Did you fucking pull away and leave because that's not something people just do" "No" "You just let him?" "Yeah" "Why, you know I love you and your my boyfriend, I don't kiss other people so I don't want you to either" "I don't just kiss other people, I couldn't say no"

He whimpers and clings to my hand so I can't take it away from his and I know he's definitely telling the truth even though the truth is stupid. I know he loves me because he's not a good enough actor to pretend this whole time and I really hope he doesn't want to kiss Russell.

"You can always say no honey" "How? He's my only friend and I can never say no" "You don't have to kiss your friends, pretend he's Ryan because you'd tell Ryan to piss off if he did it" "He's not Ryan, he hasn't been my best friend for ages, I can't say no" "It's one word baby" "Saying no never got me anywhere and I can't say it Patrick, you know that, I can't say no" "You can to me" "Because you love me and I know saying no once won't make me loose you and you'll respect my boundaries like always. I hate saying no though, it makes me feel bad because I should just be submitting to you but I can't. If I struggle to say no to my on boyfriend how could I say no to my new friend, he's all I've got at school and I can't loose that, what if he gets mad and hits me. I know you and I know you wouldn't do that no matter what I say but I don't know him, I don't wanna get hurt"

I should have gone with him, letting him go off to school and forcing him to go class and be around people constantly and make friends is too much. I can't stand hurting my little angel and I don't care if this is to help him recover, I don't want to have it lie here as he cries, I want to lie here while he's happy, he doesn't deserve tears.

"Baby you need to tell him about you" "I can't" "You don't have to tell him everything, just say you have a boyfriend if you can't do anything else" "It's so hard" "I know" "It's hard to not pull away and get scared when he touches me" "Tell him it makes you uncomfortable, you don't have to say why" "Come with me, come drop me off and help me do it, then he can see us and know" "Darling you don't have to go if it makes you uncomfortable" "I want to, I don't want to be babied and treated like I'm about to break down, I just want to be a normal person who isn't allowed to ditch school" "Ok darling, tomorrows our day though, is that ok?" "Yeah I wanna be with you, come with me on Monday though" "Ok darling, I love you"

We stay cuddled up together until Pete falls asleep with his hand fisted around my shirt and I have to carefully extract myself from him to go back to my room.

There's no way I'm letting my beautiful boy go back there alone. I don't think Russell is really a bad guy because Pete's so adorable and shy and as soon as they became friends he probably got pretty clingy so he just to the wrong idea. Pete didn't say anything about me and he's too shy to say he's not interested if Russell flirted with him so it'll probably just take a while to get used to being around Pete.

I care about him a lot and I'm willing to drag Russell away to tell him to keep his hands off and to respect Pete. Maybe Pete wouldn't like it but if he's going to get so upset about being kissed and so upset about getting touched Russell needs to know. Pete wants to be in school and get used to being around people so being forced to hold himself back and spend a whole day terrified isn't good.

I shouldn't be excited about going to school with him and showing off the fact that he's mine but I am. Finally I can kiss him in public and show off the fact that this gorgeous thing is my boyfriend and no one else's. It might be mean to enjoy the idea of ruining his friends hopes but I'm an asshole sometimes so whatever, if it gets him off my boy I'll be as much of an asshole as I need to be.


	34. Chapter 34

****

**Patrick's POV**

When I wake up Pete's sitting cross legged on the floor reading a book which he puts down to run into my arms when he sees I'm awake. Crying like he did last night always seems to make him very emotional and physical which I definitely enjoy even if I wish it wasn't just because he's upset and wants support.

"Did you have an idea of what you wanted from me today Patty?" "I just wanted to spend the day with you, it doesn't have to be very special, I just want you" "I want it to be good, I feel bad" "For what my darling?" "For not paying enough attention to you lately and for kissing another man. I'm supposed to be only yours and I love you so I shouldn't be prioritising someone over you and I shouldn't ever be kissing them during time that should be spent with you" "Baby I don't mind, your going back to school so of course you'll have a lot of work to do so you can't spend all the time with me and friends matter darling. I don't want you kissing other people but I don't have a problem with you wanting to spend time with other people as long as I get my share of time with you"

Pete snuggles against me and curls up in my lap "I love you" "I love you and I love you saying that" "This is your day though so if you wanna do something we can" "How about just spending some time in bed then, I don't feel like moving too much right now and I love being with you"

With a cute smile he crawls into my bed and pecks my lips "I like being in your bed" "I love it when your in bed with me" "Dr Williams said something to me when I came back" "What?" "That you'll probably be leaving soon, you've only relapsed once so you don't need to be here" "I want to be though" "Your going to leave me" "No, I won't" "Baby you don't need to stay here, she said something about you staying with Brendon so you'll leave me" "I love you" "Maybe we can see each other still though, I might be allowed to go out with you on weekends and if you still want me I'll be there the second you ask"

I thought I'd be excited to leave but I hoped Pete would be with me, I do love him, it'd be hard to go from seeing him everyday to only once a week.

"We'll work it out darling, don't worry about it before it's even going to happen" "Promise you'll stay mine" "I promise, I love you" "I love you too and I wanna ask something" "Ok" "Have you ever worn a dress with Brendon?" "What did he say?" "Ryan showed me a picture" "The one with Brendon in a super short skirt?" "Yeah" "Yeah I did wear a dress, I dared him to wear the skirt and he dared me to wear the dress so yeah, he has the skirt though because he wanted to buy it"

Pete giggles and nuzzles his face into my jaw then settles happily to lie on my shoulder "You looked cute" "You didn't think I was super hot?" "It was cute but-" "But Brendon looked better" "Yeah, he could make a lot of money as a stripper" "Shhh your too innocent for these things, hide your innocent ears" "I know what a stripper is" "No you don't, don't say these things"

I roll on top of him and put my hands over his ears as he giggles and tries to bat me away. I roll off after a minute and take his hand "Is your innocence back now?" "No I'm naughty now, Brendon's corrupted me with his sexy legs" "Shut up, what about my sexy legs?" "Not as sexy as his" "Everyone will abandon me for my best friend, it's so sad"

Quickly I pull away from Pete and fake cry until Pete's laughing and rolling around next to me. "Your so stupid Patty" "How dare you laugh" "Because your so cute" "Your mine though, you can't have any of Brendon or his sexy legs" "Your legs are better" "They better be" "Your still coming to school with me right?" "Yeah, I wanna show your little friend that your taken" "He might get mad" "No, if you had agreed to date him or something like that then he might but becoming friends and having one kiss doesn't make someone a bad guy" "I like him as a friend but I want to be with you, I'll never cheat or do something bad and betray you" "Me neither, you'll tell me immediately if something happens again right, no secrets about things like this" "No, not about something like that"

When Pete leans in he's slow and shy like always and sinks straight into the kiss when I start kissing back. Slowly we make out and Pete lets himself get pulled on top of me since I much prefer him on top so he feels more powerful and he can pull away and get off at any time.

As he pulls back his hair falls across my face for me to tuck behind his ear and pull him back in again. Despite barely being kissed properly before me he's so good at kissing and he always tastes like strawberry plus slightly medicinal which is pretty cute. I'm pretty sure he takes pills so it's probably from that but he's sweet and gorgeous so if he gets to stop taking the pills I'll buy him a lot of strawberry gum so he'll still taste so good.

"Patty" "Yeah angel" "I love you a lot" "I know and I love you too" "One day I want to stop being broken and I want to be able to have sex with a man I love and I really want that man to be you"

Pete's whispering to me and leaning down to me so his hair falls across my face. He's barely an inch away from my cheek so I enjoy it as he nuzzles against me and strokes my cheek with his soft fingers.

"I really wanna have sex with you Patty baby" "I love you, if you want to then we can try one time" "Today?" "No, your still so young" "But-" "No, I'm not going to do it if it's illegal and I care too much about you to rush into something like that" "But I love you, this is what love is" "Love is trusting someone and never wanting to be without them, it's not sex" "Sex is for love though" "Yeah but I don't want sex before marriage and neither do you, I wanna loose my virginity on my wedding night, it's always been my dream" "I wanted that too" "Then that's what we'll do, it'll be the first time you'll consciously have sex with a man who you actually love and you'll be legal and spending the rest of your life with the perfect person" "So we'll get married" "I don't know sweetheart but I don't want you to do anything like that until you know your ready, if that's what you want then it doesn't matter what Jason and your father did"

Pete looks down at me with his gorgeous eyes and kisses my lips "I wanna make love to you if we get married" "We will, if that's what we both want and we're ready we will"

Gently I take Pete off my lap and lie facing him "Let's just talk, I like talking to you" "What do we talk about?" "Tell me something you like, I wanna know you better" "I like drawing, I'm not good but I used to draw all the time after my dad hurt me because it made me happy to draw things because it put them in perspective" "Would you draw something for me?" "I'm not good at people" "It doesn't have to be of me, I'd prefer it not to be, just anything would be amazing" "I'm not good" "It doesn't have to be a masterpiece or anything, I just wanna see you draw, it's something you love so I wanna see what's important to you"

Pete gets out of bed and I'm slightly worried but he sighs "I have to see Dr Williams, I'm not sure if she'd let me" "Why wouldn't she?" "I used to draw after abuse, she might think it'd hurt me to do it again" "Just ask, I have a lot of work to do though so just come talk to me whenever"

He skips out and leaves me to the math work Dr Williams brought for me to do.


	35. Chapter 35

**Petes POV**

I wake up from a nightmare and I don't know what time it is but there doesn't seem to be anyone around so it's probably early in the morning. I have school sometime so I don't wanna stay up for hours because I can't get back to sleep so I take my teddy bear that I always sleep with when I'm sad or scared and walk to Patrick's room. He's asleep but when I slide into his bed he groans and pulls me tight to his chest without waking up so I snuggle against him and listen to his soft snoring until I fall asleep.

Brendon's bouncing on the end of Patrick's bed when I wake up and he giggles when he sees me awake "Hi cutie wanna help me sext" "What?" "It's 7 so you have half an hour until Ryan gets here and finds you here so wanna hang" "I like it in bed though" "Some here cutie I wanna corrupt you, your hanging with people who are all much older then you so you shouldn't be so innocent" "I like innocence" "Your not that innocent" "Not as much as people think but I've never sexted" "Neither had Patrick but he came up with some slutty responses for me so you can too"

I don't really know Brendon but he's Patrick's best friend and dating my best friend so he can't be bad. He seems really nice and I can always wake Patrick up if I get upset so it'll be fine, maybe it'll be funny seeing what Ryan and Brendon do in their spare time.

I'm not really comfortable with him so I sit a bit away and slowly work myself up to sitting right next to him and letting our shoulders touch. It's not too hard with Brendon because I know I can trust him and when he slides an arm around my shoulders it's not too bad. He's the same size as Ryan and I like cuddling Ryan so I relax into it because if he's nice enough to hug me when I'm shivering and cold then he can't be too bad a guy.

Quickly Brendon scrolls up through his messages to the one he wants then hands me the phone "Don't scroll up too far because I sent the guy a couple of dick pics and your too innocent for that" "I don't need dick" "Yeah and enough people have my dick so you don't need it too" "This isn't Ryan" "Nah it's not, didn't Patrick say we met this guy that gave Patrick his number which I stole and now we've been talking" "Your cheating on Ryro?" "No he doesn't care, as long as I don't meet the guy in person and he can read anything we say to each other whenever he wants he's chill about it" "You sure?" "Yeah we talked about it"

I wait for a reply for the last message Brendon sent a couple of minutes ago then quickly look up at Brendon "Wait, he gave Patty his number?" "Yeah originally" "Does Patrick talk to him?" "Yeah on my phone, he's a naughty boy" "But I love him" "I know, it's pretty obvious" "Why does he do that?" "He's good at thinking of ridiculous dirty responses" "I love him" "Um I know" "I'm not Ryan, I don't want other people seeing Patrick's body before I do"

If he didn't look so peaceful I'd be waking Patrick up right now to tell him to stop doing that but he looks happy there so I'll just let him sleep for now.

"You do know it's my penis that we send?" "But I don't want it to be Patrick's" "Ok I'm confused so I shall explain the situation to you cutie. Patrick got his number and gave it to me because he loves you and I'm the one messaging him and sending him pictures but Patrick helps me think up stupid things to say" "Does Patrick love him?" "Patrick only met him once and he's barely even talked to him, he loves you stupid" "But he says things to him and he doesn't do that to me" "Because when Patrick talks to him he's pretending to be me, it's not about Patrick"

This is weird, I don't like Patrick talking to other guys after he promised he was all mine and he got mad that I got kissed by someone else. Doing naughty things is worse then just a kiss, maybe Patrick slept with him when he went to Brendon's house, I can't sleep with Patrick and I don't want some random guy replacing me in Patrick's bed.

"Did Patrick sleep with him?" "Patrick loves you and wouldn't have sex with anyone else, he doesn't even do anything with you" "So it's just texting?" "It's making up ridiculous flirty things while pretending to be me and saying stupid things to embarrass me, it means probably nothing to him" "Yeah ok" "He's yours"

Suddenly the guy texts back so I look down "Brendon he said he wants to spank your butt" "Yeah he's said that before, say that I'm a top and he's the one getting his ass wrecked"

I'm probably too innocent for this but I text back 'I'm a top, I'll totally wreck your ass though'. It feels kinda good being naughty and I keep going with the conversation for a little bit

'Your a top are you'  
'Damn right'  
'Gonna fuck my tight little asshole'  
'I'm gonna wreck it'  
'Good cos I'm naked and horny'  
'Wanna show me'  
'Make me want to'  
'You seem to already want to'  
'Your pretty sexy this morning'  
'I'm always sexy'

It's kinda easy to do this when I just pretend to be Brendon and copy things that sound Brendony.

When a dick comes up on the screen I scream and throw the phone down which hits Patrick on the head making him groan and open his eyes. "Fuck off Brendon" "I'm sorry Patty" "Oh hey darling" "Hi, I'm sorry I hit you with Brendon's phone" "You didn't show him did you you ass fuck" "Excuse me" "I'm talking to Brendon honey, it's ok"

He glares at Brendon as he chucks his phone back "Did I show him what Patrick?" "Your a twat" "The boy needs to get the sex talk at some point" "He understands sex" "But does he know about inserting things into holes and making babies" "We're gay, get out"

Patrick throws himself back onto the bed and lies there until Brendon laughs and pats my head "Bye cutie, thanks for the help"

As soon as he leaves I crawl over into Patrick's arms and kiss him gently "Morning babe" "Hey sweetheart, I didn't know you were gonna be here, am I late?" "No I had a nightmare so I came and slept in your bed then Brendon came a while ago so I hung out with him" "Was he ok?" "Yeah, why wouldn't he be" "He's a twat" "He's a nice twat"

That makes Patrick laugh and kiss me again "Did you have nightmares darling?" "Yeah" "Were they bad?" "No, I just couldn't get back to sleep, I get scared in the dark so I wanted to be with you" "You can come anytime you want, you should have woken me up" "You were asleep and you were peaceful so I didn't wanna interrupt, I was ok as soon as I got in bed with you" "I'm glad, go find Ryan sweetheart and I'll see you in a bit ok"

I leave as Patrick gets out of bed to start changing and go to Ryan so I can take my normal pills and put on normal clothes for school. Ryan told Dr Williams that Patrick was coming just to drop me off and she said ok so we can hold hand in the backseat while Ryan drives down the highway blasting Guns and Roses.

The drives pretty quick with both my favourite guys with me so we're at school quickly and Patrick smiles at me "You ready?" "Yeah" "This is your school is it?" "Yeah, it's pretty nice"

I climb out of the car with my backpack and see Russell heading over but I guess Patrick does too because he hops out after me and puts a hand on my waist "Can I have a goodbye kiss beautiful?" "Yeah, of course you can".

Quickly he leans in to attach his lips to mine and press me back into the car with his hands on my hips. We kiss gently for a minute until I see Russell standing next to us then Patrick pulls away "Love you gorgeous" "I love you too Patrick" "Have a good day, I'll see you after school" "I'll try and I'll see you then"

He gets back in the car and him and Ryan wave as they drive off, probably to park down the road and try to spy to make sure I'm ok, they're cute little protectors.

I awkwardly stand with Russell until he talks "That your boyfriend?" "Yeah" "Did you tell him about us?" "Yes, that's why he wanted to come" "Fuck, it was an asshole thing of me to do, I wouldn't have done it if I knew" "I was too awkward to tell you so it's not your fault, I didn't wanna be awkward about saying it so he insisted on coming and I let him" "I won't kiss you anymore, you don't seem someone who'd ever cheat" "Thank you" "We can be friends right?" "Of course" "Good, I do like you, your pretty cool" "Your the only friend I've got and I like you"

We awkwardly smile at each other a bit then walk off towards school as the bell rings and it's actually not too awkward for once which is really nice. He won't kiss me again so Patrick will be happy I'm all his and I won't be stressed about Russell doing anything and it'll be easier to not freak out being around him.


	36. Chapter 36

**Pete's POV**

Russell buys me food from the diner across the street from school at lunch and we eat it together which I guess is just apologising for kissing me even though it was kinda my fault for not saying that I did have a boyfriend. It worked out well though and now I have a beautiful boyfriend and a great friend.

Patrick's waiting again in the car with Ryan at the end of school so I high fives Russell which I told him on the first day was better then an actual touch. I run over and cuddle Patrick happily for a while until someone taps my shoulder. It's another guy from my math class who sits behind me and Russell so I grab Patrick's hand and look at him, hoping he won't hit me or anything. He seems alright and he's super smart so he's not really the beating someone up type but I'm not a very good judge of people's character.

"Are you gay?" "Yeah" "Is this your boyfriend" "Yeah he is" "You guys are a good couple, I sound creepy but you seem nice and I kinda just wanted to say that" "Thank you" "I'll see you tomorrow I guess" "Yeah and if you wanna maybe be with me and Russell at lunch you can" "Thanks, I guess I'll see you then"

He walks off and I smile up at Patrick "I made another friend" "Your so good at this darling" "I know, I can't believe I have 2 friends, it's amazing" "You won't go to school tomorrow though will you?" "Oh, no I won't, what do I do?" "Just tell him on Wednesday that you had a day off" "I wanna tell Russell why I miss school" "Then you can darling" "Ok, I think I will, I trust him and I think he'll be ok with it, he said something about coming to my house sometime so I don't think that's a very good idea considering it's a hospital" "Tell him then, he'll probably appreciate the fact that you've told him"

We get in the car and after stopping off to buy frozen cokes, which seems to be Patrick's favourite thing, we drive back to the hospital where Brendon's lying upside down on Patrick's bed. "Pat help me take nudes" "I'd rather shove a cactus up my ass" "Wow, kinky" "Get off my bed" "Come see his dick it's great" "I've been it before and it was an emotionally traumatising experience so never again" "Fucking prude" "Fucking slut" "At least I get dick" "At least I can be faithful to one boyfriend" "I am, I only have one boyfriend and one other person I sext" "Your such a slut" "You should try it sometime, it's kind of refreshing to be a giant whore, it makes you stop worrying about morals"

Brendon bumps Patrick with his hip then takes Ryan's hand "Come on, I'm bored of just seeing dicks and I wanna suck one" "I like the sound of that" "Of course you do, your getting offered a blowjob from your boyfriend so why would you say no". Brendon slips his hand into Ryan's back pocket and makes funny faces at Patrick to make him laugh as they leave.

I don't really know how they haven't gotten fired because so much of their time is spent having sex, sending naughty texts and eating food but maybe they don't fire volunteers. I love Ryan and Patrick seems to love Brendon so I guess firing them wouldn't be a great idea so they can keep doing whatever they do that seems to be helping us get better.

I'm alone with Patrick now and I can slip into his arms and sigh "Today was good" "Yeah?" "Yeah, it was really great actually" "That's good darling". I love time with Patrick so much and he better stay with me for as long as possible, he's beautiful and cares for me and if we do break up I want another relationship that makes me feel as good as this.

"Let's go do something darling" "Can I shower first?" "Of course" "Can you stand by the door like Ryan usually does" "Of course, if that's what you want I'll do it" "Ok, thank you"

I lead him back to my room to get clothes and a towel then find the stall furthest from the door that I always use and shut the curtain. I hate how people can see your outline through the curtain because it's so awkward and they can basically see what your bodies like even though they can't see details. It's scary having Patrick outside because I've only usually had Ryan for the last 2 years but I love him and trust him so he won't come in or leave me here.

Quickly I shower under the hot water then dry myself with the towel. He's still standing there facing away but I want to love Patrick and I want to be his proper boyfriend so I slip my hand out through the side of the curtain to grab his. He jumps at my cold wet hand on his but links out fingers together with a chuckle "Hey beautiful" "Hey" "Did you want something?" "You" "Your so cute darling. Are you dressed and can I come in?" "I'm not dressed but come in" "No baby it's ok, put your clothes on angel" "I love you, I need to trust you" "Baby I'm not going to do anything to you, we will never do anything in a mental hospitals shower" "I just wanna show you what I look like" "Then do it in your room, it's more intimate and we should talk about it"

I really hoped he'd say yes but he doesn't want it so I'll just back down and we can talk about it in my room. I want to trust him and show him my body because he loves me and I'm trying so hard to eat well so if Patrick loves my body then it'll help to make me love it as well.

Because he's waiting for me I throw my clothes on the get out to grab his hand "Sorry if I made you uncomfortable" "It's ok, I just think letting me stare at you naked in the shower when anyone can come in and see isn't the way I wanted it to be" "I'm ok with it being like that though" "Ok baby, I love you"

Patrick leads me back to my room and wraps an arm around my waist "What did you want me to do" "I just wanna show you what I look like" "I already know what you look like" "But I......." "I know what you mean baby but you don't have to" "I want to, I want it" "Baby, if you want to show me then get into your bed but if you don't then come here"

He steps back and smiles at me "Choice is yours" "I don't wanna leave you, I don't wanna give you the chance to run away" "Why would I run" "If I get in bed and get naked for you and you hate it I'd be so upset, I don't want you to run away from me" "I love you and I wouldn't hate you, if I really don't like it I'll lie my ass off because I care too much about you to break your heart like that"

Slowly I step back and climb into my bed and wrap the covers around me "What now?" "Let me get in". He comes over and slips in beside me then kisses me lightly "Do what your comfortable with" "I don't know how much I want" "Then try as much as you want and stop the second your uncomfortable" "Ok, but you can't see me" "I can but only when you let me lift the covers and see it"

Carefully I pull my shirt over my head then push down the pants and lie both of them on the floor. "Can you look now, I don't know if I can do anymore but I want you to see incase I can't"

He traces circles on my bare thigh and sucks at my neck, he's not specifically looking at me so it's comfortable to just be like this. Patrick's hard and pressed against my thigh through his pants so I guess he does like being with me like this, I hoped he would because I like it and I'd never wanna make him uncomfortable.

"I can't go further" "That's ok, I don't mind at all" "I know, your good like that" "This was good, it's better then just doing everything at once in the shower" "Yeah, you have good ideas" "I don't wanna upset you and we've seen each other in boxers so it's enough for now" "Yeah, maybe we'll do more later, a long time later"

Patrick's hand keeps working higher on my thigh as his hot breath hits my neck. I love him so much and I do want more but I'm not comfortable with anything more right now. Maybe if I got a boner too I would have been able to go all the way and get naked but since I'm just lying here with my turned on boyfriend it's awkward. I can't get very turned on to be with him and I can't do anything about it because I'm too young, I'd freak out and Patrick would never let me because he knows both those things.

"Patrick baby has anyone said anything about you leaving soon" "No but Dr Williams probably will soon if they're considering it" "Ok" "Don't be worried, we'll work something out" "I know, I love you and we might not see each other much but it's ok, I'll wait for you" "I'll wait for you darling because it'll be up to you if you wanna see me and how fast you get released, I'll be waiting for whatever you decide"

He's so nice and I really do want to be with him so I hope that's still true when I get released. I'm getting better but I'm still messed up so it probably won't be for a while and I hope Patrick doesn't get bored waiting. I'm kind of the only option for him when he's here but if he's back with other people and finds people who are so much better then me then I'll be heartbroken.

I wanted to make this so so special so he'd remember this and remember me and I wouldn't loose him but this whole thing was so I could learn to trust men again. I trust Patrick to be with me, I trust him with my body and I trust him to respect my limits when we have intimate moments so I need to trust that he's faithful. He's not a cheater and just because he's not been through the same things as me doesn't mean he hasn't had hard times. If Patrick finds someone else he'll tell me about it and if we break up he'll talk to me about it and he'll try to make things work.

Patrick's hand keeps rubbing my thigh, going higher to play with the bottom of my boxers and trail along the extra pudge at the top of my thighs which I hate. I probably shouldn't have lay down like this because it makes me feel really fat and gross but Patrick keeps touching it and hums happily so I guess he isn't too grossed out. Maybe that's what he likes, maybe me being super skinny isn't nice for him. He'll never tell me that if I ask him but he does support me eating properly so I hope I do put on a bit of weight so I can please him more, if he does hate it I'm pretty good at loosing weight so it wouldn't be a problem.

"Pete baby" "Yeah" "Have you ever been touched like this?" "Of course, do you mind that I have?" "Baby that's not what I mean, I know what's happened to you baby. Have you ever been touched like this, with someone making it feel good for you?" "Of course not" "I love being your first baby" "Technically your not" "But I don't care, I'm the first one to give you love like this and the first to be a proper boyfriend and no matter what else happens I'll be the first because I'm doing it right and you haven't had that"

I roll onto my side and snuggle against him so Patrick can push his lips against the back of my neck. He kisses there a few times on the sensitive spot then let's his lips hover over my skin, giving me goosebumps as I push back against him as much as I can.

"Patty you need to have a shower" "Why? Am I getting you all dirty baby?" "To fix your little problem" "With you around its turning into rather a big problem" "I love it" "I love that you love it"

He kisses the back of my neck again then gets up "I'm going to have a shower, get dressed ok baby, I don't want anyone else seeing you like this and I don't wanna get in trouble for loving you".

Patrick leaves me lying there so I slowly get up and get dressed then cuddle back in bed, waiting for Patrick to come back and get in bed with me again.


	37. Chapter 37

**Patrick's POV**

When I get back to my room Pete's lying in bed, wearing clothes now but still looking adorable as hell so I get back in with the adorable boy. "Hi" "Hey" "I wanna go to school tomorrow" "You're only supposed to go 3 times a week" "But I made a friend and I don't want him to think I'm ditching him" "Do you really wanna go?" "Yeah" "Do you have Russell's number?" "Yeah he gave it to me but I said I don't have a phone" "I would get jealous that you have another man's number but it's good you do. Where is it?"

He pulls a slip of paper from under his pillow and giggles "It was the only place I could think to keep it where I wouldn't loose it and people wouldn't throw it away while cleaning my room" "That's good, do you know if Bren is here?" "I presume he is somewhere sucking Ryan's dick, that's what they said they'd be doing" "Oh yeah, I'm gonna go find them" "Why?" "Because Bren has a phone" "Why do we need that" "To text Russell" "I'm scared, what if he's pissed that I'm not coming or he doesn't want another friend or thinks I'm creepy" "Then you don't have to if you think he won't like it but he gave you his number so he obviously wants it"

Pete sighs and nods so I quickly kiss his lips and walk to the lounge where Brendon and Ryan are making our heavily on a couch. "Sluts I need a phone" "What the fuck Ricky, get out" "Did you just call me Ricky?" "Yeah I'm trying out nicknames, I want booty and you are ruining my pursuit of booty" "Give me your phone then, Pete wants to text his friend and say he won't be coming because he'd made a new friend" "This is so confusing and I never thought Pete's social life would be confusing but fine, it's in my back pocket"

Carefully I pull it out from Brendon's pocket then smack his ass and run away as he scrambles for a couch cushion to throw at me.

Pete's still cuddled up when I get back and I love how adorable he is as I slide in. With a sigh he hooks his legs up around my hips and clings onto me like a monkey as he purrs softly. I didn't think it was possible but he actually purred like a cat and I actually found it really freaking adorable.

"I got Bren's phone" "Good" "You can text him if you want" "No, I'm scared" "How about I text him for you then and say whatever you want me to" "Ok"

I know Bren's password so I open the phone and quickly get out of his texts with Ryan which is basically a dirty fanfiction. I type in Russell's number and look at Pete "What should I say?" "I dunno" "Just tell me something, I don't wanna text your friend and embarrass you" "Ok maybe just say that I talked to Jamie and said he could hang out with us but I won't be there" "Is that the guys name?" "Yeah, Jamie"

I type it up and show him the phone saying 'Hey dude I'm Pete's boyfriend. He doesn't have a phone but he wants me to tell you that he said Jamie from your math class was going to hang out with you two but he won't be there tomorrow'

Pete nods so I send the message and go into Brendon's instagram. Pete looks curious and giggles when I push the photo of me in a dress and Brendon in a skirt. "You like it darling?" "You look so cute" "Brendon really suits it though" "Yeah he does" "What else does he have on here?" "I don't think I should see it" "Nah let me show you the memes" "What's a meme?" "Oooooh baby you've been missing out"

For a while I scroll through Brendon's account and show Pete things, most of which he doesn't understand, until Russell finally texts back 'Why won't he be there?'. Pete blushes and sighs "I haven't told him" "What should I say?" "Just say I'm staying home, he doesn't know we technically live together so he'll just think I didn't tell you" "Doesn't he wonder why I don't go to school and why I'm always with Ryan when he picks you up?" "He asked about who Ryan was but I just said a friend who drives me, he didn't say anything about you since it's only been like a day"

I reply with 'He's staying home but he wanted me to tell you' which Russell quickly replies to 'Yeah ok is he ok????'

Pete sighs again which is a very cute noise "I should talk to him" "Do it on Wednesday, tell him why you don't come to school a lot and why I'm there with you" "Are you ok if I tell him about you?" "Yeah, don't tell him about the whole trying to die 9 times thing and about stuff like that but you can say I live with you at the hospital, I don't mind"  
Carefullt he pulls the phone from my hand and frowns down at it "I can't really use a phone" "What are you trying to do?" "Call him" "Are you sure you wanna?" "Yeah I wanna talk to him and this is awkward" "Yeah ok, let me do it"

He passes the phone back so I can type in the number and call it. I put it on speaker so I can hear it because I'm a jealous selfish bitch and Pete probably won't be able to tell the difference.

Russell picks up after a couple of rings and after a minute of silence Pete giggles "Russell?" "Yeah" "It's Pete" "Oh are you with your boyfriend?" "Yeah" "Oh ok, are you ok?" "Yeah I'm fine" "So your not gonna come to school tomorrow?" "No, I'll tell you why on Wednesday" "Will you be back then?" "I always come on Monday, Wednesday and Friday" "I didn't notice that" "Yeah, I'll tell you why" "Are you ditching me to hang with your boyfriend?" "No, I'm not supposed to go to school but I will be with him" "Your confusing me" "I know, I'll explain on Wednesday" "Ok, take care of yourself" "I will, thank you" "I'm gonna hang out with Jamie" "Ok, have fun" "I will, he's kinda cute" "I think he's straight" "Small issue, I can work around that"

They talk a little bit more until I lean in and kiss Pete's neck making him squeal then slap a hand over his mouth. Russell asks if he's ok so he has to stutter out a reply as I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him onto my lap to get better access to his neck. His skins so perfect and shows bruises so well which is great until someone other then me notices which is embarrassing for the both of usually.

After a minute of awkward silence filled with Petes little squeaks and whispers at me to stop Russell laughs and talks "I'll see you on Wednesday Pete" "Ok" "Have fun with your boyfriend" "Patrick, he's my Patrick" "Have fun with him and wish me luck with Jamie"

He hangs up so I can take the phone off Pete and wrap him tight in my arms "Your so brave" "Russell's really nice, he's easy to talk to" "That's good baby, I like it that your making friends" "I like it too, kiss me" "Come here gorgeous"

For a while we make out and Pete unconsciously grinds against me, making me hard for the second time which probably isn't good. "I wanna make love to you one day, I want you to love me and I wanna be normal, please don't hate me for that" "I'll never hate you" "You hate when I say I want sex" "No it just makes me upset when your sad and uncomfortable but you force yourself to do stuff like that for me" "Sorry" "Don't apologise my angel, never apologise for being who you are"

We stay wrapped in each other's arms for a while then Pete brings his textbooks in and we both do homework we've got so I can be close to him but we are actually doing something slightly productive. I never thought Pete would be such a nerd but he always does all his work and loves school so much and it's adorable, maybe I was going after the wrong people before I came here. I wonder if Pete has glasses and if he doesn't whether he'd wear them for me.


	38. Chapter 38

**Patrick's POV**

Pete wakes me up on Wednesday by bouncing lightly on my bed and softly singing songs from the little mermaid. It's weird but he's so cute I can forgive him for the total weirdness. He's an alright singer which is cute because if he's willing to sing and be himself around me then he really is getting better.

I get a quick kiss before Pete bounces up and spins in a circle "What do you think?" "You look amazing" "Really?" "Your gorgeous my darling, your so so gorgeous". He's wearing super tight jeans that really do show his body and his shirt is tighter then I've ever seen him wear even though it's mostly covered with a grey jacket that dwarfs him. I like how much he seems to accept himself now because he's making friends and wearing tighter clothes and being himself, I really have done good things for this boy.

"I feel really good Patty" "You look so so beautiful" "Thank you" "It's all you babe" "Thank you for letting me love myself" "There's so much to love and I want you to love yourself as much as I love you"

Pete flies into my arms and hugs me tight "I love you, I love you more then anyone in the world, I love you more then my own freaking mother who gave birth to me, god I love you so much" "Just because she's your blood family doesn't mean she always has to be the perfect person and mean the most to you because we're family too. Me, you, Bren and Ryan, we're a family and we love you so much, we chose to be a family so that means more then a family relation being forced onto you by birth"

For a while we just lie on my bed as Pete lets me muss up his hair which used to be perfect so by the time Ryan comes to get us he looks like he's been in a tornado. I'm personally pretty impressed with myself for doing such a good job at it, especially since I wasn't intending to make this much of a mess out of it and it just kinda happened.

Pete smacks my chest and goes off to fix it again so I get changed into similar tight jeans and another black hoodie which is basically the only clothes I'll ever wear. Dr Williams gave me blue jeans and a dark blue shirt once and that did not go down well. I don't wear loose jeans or blue jeans and I'm not the kind of person who likes t-shirts so I basically refused to put on the clothes until Brendon for me something else. I'm such a diva honestly.

When Pete's back with tidy hair again and I'm dressed we head off so me and Pete can keep making out in the back of Ryan's car. By the time we've got to his school I'm basically ready to just ignore all road rules because I want to be on top of Pete but he pushes me away as we pull into the parking lot. "Patrick I'm at school, we can't do this" "Yeah, yeah sorry" "Sorry" "It's ok, I fucked up your hair again though" "Russell's right there so I'll just go" "I wanna be here with you when you tell him, is that ok" "Yeah it's ok, I'm scared so you'll help"

Pete gets out the door so I follow and let him lean back against me as I tidy up his hair while Russell comes over. He seems pretty nice and it's hard to be too jealous and intimidated by a guy who's 2 years younger then me and almost as short as Pete is.

"Hi Russ" "Hey Pete" "How'd it go with Jamie?" "Yeah it was great, he's even hotter up close" "I still think he's straight" "Yeah he is but I can work around that, I'm mostly straight as well but that's a real fine boy" "Sorry I wasn't there" "It's ok, wanna go somewhere and tell me about it" "No, I need Patrick"

Russell looks at me awkwardly and nods "Yeah ok, if that's what you want" "Yeah". We stand in silence until I finish with Pete's hair and kiss the top of his head "There's your hair sweetheart, do you want me to go?" "No, help me" "What do you want me to do? He's your friend darling"

Pete's blushing and squirming as we both look at him so I lean back against the car and hold Pete tighter as Ryan tries to pretend he's not listening. "Russ can I just say it quickly?" "Yeah go ahead, it can't be that bad, I don't mind if you don't like school or if you ditch or spend time with your boyfriend" "It's worse then that" "Ok just go ahead" "I live in a mental hospital and I'm kinda crazy"

He groans and buries his face in my neck as I wrap both arms around his waist and hold him tight against me so I can feel him shaking. I hate how scared he is and it is a real big thing to say to someone because it's not just simple. Most people would accept someone's sexuality or weird quirks but you wouldn't see someone and assume that they live in a mental hospital.

"Pete....... What does that even mean?" "I live in a fucking mental hospital and I'm so fucked up, you can run away in terror now if you want" "I'm not running away...... I just wanna know why and why you didn't tell me" "How can I tell someone I barely know something like that, it's horrible" "You seem normal" "I'm not a psychopath and I won't kill anyone I just have to live there" "Why?" "I got abused and I have issues, it's been more then 2 years, I'm mostly ok now" "What about him?" "Patrick?" "Yeah" "Um...... I can't tell you"

I sigh and kiss the top of Pete's head again because he's still shaking under me then look at Russell "I'm suicidal" "Shouldn't you be in like a straight jacket or something" "No I'm not really bad at the moment, Pete makes me happy" "Why are you at school?" "I'm not, Pete's pretty much ok now so he's here, I'm not though, in case you wondered why I don't go to school that's why"

Pete's literally weak and shaky and seems like he might faint if this goes on too much longer and I wish I could help him so I lean down to murmur in his ear. "Babe are you ok?" "I'm loosing my only friend" "He's not your only friend" "At school he is" "But he's still here, it'll be ok"

He quietly sobs against my chest, obviously just trying to hold back tears. I hate when he's upset and I hate when he swears so it's pretty horrible but I'm glad I'm here for him because the idea off him crying by himself is even worse.

"Russell dude it's just a thing, it might seem weird but it's Pete so yeah, stop making my angel cry". Pete hugs me tighter and hides his face while Russell sighs "Yeah I guess, it's a random thing though, you seemed normal" "Normals a setting on a washing machine, I'm not a washing machine" "Sorry for being an ass Petey" "Sorry for not telling you"

Pete holds his hand out for Russell to high five as the bell goes and Ryan hits on the horn to tell me to hurry up. I kiss the top of his head then tilt his cute little face up to kiss his lips "I'll see you after school ok?" "Ok babe, thank you for coming with me" "I don't have anything better to do and your fun to be with"

I kiss him again then snake my hand down to his ass to gently squeeze it through his jeans making Pete jump away. "Patty!" "Yeah sweetheart" "Your bad" "I'm good at corrupting innocent children" "I'm not a child" "Your only 16" "Your 17" "I'm still older" "Your a poop"

His insults are so cute so I kiss him one more time then jump into Ryan's car "Bye angel, have fun" "I will" "Love you" "Love you too"

Pete waves and skips off with Russell so I watch how cute he looks then smack Ryan's shoulder as he laughs "What's wrong with you asshole" "Your probably the only person I know who'd confidently smack an abused boys ass and actually get away with it" "I'm special" "Brendon's taught you well" "Well he is my best friend" "And he has the most fabulous ass in existence" "Random comment" "Well it's true" "Fuck off" "You fuck off it's my car" "Are we ever going to leave this parking lot?" "No probably not" "Come on before we get thrown out or something, we are technically 2 old guys kidnapping a child" "I'm an old guy, your just another baby who can't be fucked to go to school" "Fuck off" "And yet again it's my car, I'd leave you here if Brendon wouldn't be pissed about it, I do need my dick sucked you know" "Then let's go so you can get it sucked" "Your way cooler about it then Pete" "He's innocent but I've spent time with Brendon so I'm corrupt" "Come on Pat, dick sucking time"


	39. Chapter 39

**Patrick's POV**

In the afternoon Ryan goes off to get Pete without me so I stay in my room working in my physics textbook until he comes in and perches next to me "Hi baby" "Hey Patty" "How was school?" "It was good, Russell was really good" "That's good baby" "Yeah I'm happy" "I'm always happy your happy" "Can we do something?" "What do you wanna do?" "I was thinking maybe more time in the shower"

I'm pretty happy he's willing to tell me what he wants so I pull him into my arms and nod "Anything for you" "Is that ok?" "Of course it is" "I just like it and I need to have a shower" "Where's Ry?" "He has an exam tomorrow so he went home to study, I think Brendon does too" "So it's just us"

I've been thinking lately and I've got a few things to ask him so I grab his hand and pull him down onto the bed properly. "Pete have you still got the bracelet I gave you?" "Yeah of course, I'd never loose it" "Why don't you wear it?" "It's hard to get on and it's too complicated for me to get someone else to do it for me" "Would you mind wearing it for me one time? It would be really nice if you would" "Yeah yeah yeah of course, I'll get you to put it on me" "That'd be really nice, I like you in that since its my gift"

"Baby I wanna ask something else" "Ok" "Did you ever ask Dr Williams if you can draw for me?" "I did but she wants to see everything I draw to make sure I'm ok, apparently art shows a lot of personality and emotion" "That's ok, just don't draw naughty stuff for me" "I would never" "Naughty boy sometimes" "No I'll only draw nice things" "That'd be so nice, I wanna see the things you love" "What do you like?" "I don't know really, I hate being around people so I don't like a lot of things" "There has to be something" "Listening to music I guess but I can't play any instruments or sing. I always wanted to be an author but I never really thought I could since everything I write sucks"

Pete pulls my arm around his shoulders and fingers the top of my pants "I'll draw you something if you write me something" "You'd be disappointed with that trade" "No I wouldn't be" "You'd draw something special for me and I'd just end up giving you a crappy story" "But it doesn't have to be good, I'm not an amazing artist so it doesn't have to be good, your not expecting the most amazing piece of art and I'm not expecting something perfectly written. I wanna know about you and if you like it then I wanna read it, I want you to see me through my art so I wanna see you through something you like"

I really don't have a choice so I just nod and put my hand over his as he plays with my waistband "Ok baby, don't expect too much though" "I'm not, I just wanna get to know you better" "Then I'll try writing something, I used it as therapy like you did for art so it is usually pretty dark" "I drew the scene of my bedroom after I got raped, I drew it every single time so mine probably won't be any less dark"

That's kind of cute but it's sad that he probably has a collection of pictures of his bedroom somewhere. I really want to go to his house as soon as I can and burn them all so he doesn't have something like that in his life. I'm glad he said he doesn't do people and he didn't actually draw it happening but it's horrible for such a young child to do something like that.

"Are we still showering?" "Maybe I'll just let you shower by yourself" "Did I upset you because I talked about my father?" "No darling, I'm ok with you talking about it" "But I talked about what he did, I don't wanna drive you away because of what's happened to me" "I already know babe, you don't have to pretend it didn't happened" "Then shower with me" "We're young babe, especially you so I don't know if we should, I don't wanna force myself onto you" "Your not, I just thought it'd be kinda nice to do it" "Ok, we've only done it once I think" "Yeah, I really liked it, it's intimate and comforting and seems like something a little old married couple would do so it's nice, I wanna be a little old married couple with you"

Pete's hand is getting dangerously close to going down my pants so I pull away his hand "If that's what you want then we'll do it" "Are you sure?" "I wouldn't do something I wasn't comfortable with, I've learnt it's not worth hurting yourself for anyone else, even if it's someone you love" "But you seem weird" "I'm not weird, how am I weird?" "You don't want me touching you" "I'm just not comfortable with you around my pants" "I wouldn't do anything, I just like doing little coupley things" "I know, you say you want sex though so I just don't wanna let you down or do something we can't do yet" "I would never, I love you too much for that"

We get new clothes then Pete leads me to the empty bathroom "Are you sure Petey?" "We've done it before" "But it's special" "Yeah I know, I like being special to you".

Gently I peck his lips then pull back the shower curtain for him to step in then close it so he can undress as much as he wants. I know Pete probably won't be able to get completely naked but I'll like whatever he's comfortable with giving me, he's so amazingly beautiful.

When Pete pushes his hand out I let him pull me in and look at the beautiful boy in front of me in boxers "Hi baby" "Hey sweetheart" "I can't be naked, I'm sorry" "I didn't think you would, I like it just like this" "You like it?" "Your beautiful and I will always tell you that" "Am I a better weight?" "Why would you ask that?" "I've been eating more so I was hoping I'd gained weight, I can never tell so I wanted to see if you like me better now" "I like you exactly the same" "But you don't like me being skinny and I've been doing this for you, I want to make you happy. If you don't like how I look you'll never want to be with me and boyfriends are supposed to turn each other on, I want to do that for you"

I've only just stepped in and Pete's already so self conscious. I love him but I wish I could spend some time with him when he's totally confident and doesn't care about what he looks like or what's happened to him before.

"You already turn me on darling" "You don't like how I look" "I do, I've always liked how you look" "But I'm trying to gain weight for you, I thought you'd like it" "Baby you should do it because you feel comfortable and you want to get better, don't just do it to please me" "Do you like it though?" "I do, your eating as much as you want and your confident enough to eat in front of me and to help yourself, I love that" "I thought you'd like it so much better if I was fat, I thought you didn't like skinny guys so I'd be better if I got bigger" "You won't get fat baby, after not eating much for so long I don't think your body could put up with enough food for you to get fat. Plus it'll take a while for you to even get back to a healthy weight so don't worry about being overweight" "I'm sorry, I wish I wasn't so skinny"

A tear rolls down his cheek so I pull him close and kiss it off his face "I love how you are, your body is beautiful so don't force yourself to eat, that will not make you anymore beautiful" "What do you want then?" "Eat as much as you feel like and whatever makes you comfortable and whatever weight you end up I'll like, if the weight is healthy for you then it'll be beautiful"

He sinks into my arms and pulls at my shirt "Come on, I need you" "Being naked next to you it so hard, your so beautiful and I'm so jealous" "Jealous of who?" "Of you because you get to look like that, also jealous of myself for getting to be with you" "That doesn't even make sense" "I love you so much that it doesn't have to"

I watch him the whole time as I take off my shirt and pants because I don't wanna freak him out. I'm prepared to get out of the shower instantly or put my clothes back on if anything I do seems to scare him or make him uncomfortable.

"Patrick I'm still 16" "I know, I'd never forget it if you had your 17th birthday" "I can't do anything with you" "I know, I've known that since I met you" "I hate making more rules for our relationship" "If you need them we'll make them, I'd rather have a million rules then loose you altogether" "Please don't touch me right now" "I won't" "It's hard just being exposed like this, I can't do anything sexual or take my boxers off or let you do anything, I can't for a lot of reasons" "Ok, I respect that" "Please don't touch my stomach unless I say you can and especially not now, I just want to be in here together but not do those things" "That's what we'll do then, I'm already so impressed you have the confidence for this"

I step back and turn the water on so I can wet my hair "Are you ok with this Patrick? I don't want our whole relationship turn into a bunch of useless rules because I'm a loser but I need them sometimes" "Anytime you need them tell me, if you don't like rules then we'll just say they're things we do to protect each other. I still don't know you all that well but after a while I'll know what things make you happy or sad, you need to teach me them now though so I'll know"

Pete steps forward into the water and hands me some soap "Ok, those are the rules for now, just no touching and no taking anything else" "I'm fine with that" "Ok, I am too" "Are you? You don't have to be, I know they're annoying" "As I said, I'd rather have rules then loose you altogether, I'm totally fine with whatever you need me to do"

We wash ourselves then Pete carefully takes my hand "I miss how we were when we met" "How?" "I just liked it, it was all so innocent and there wasn't any pressure to do anything" "There still isn't" "But back then it was easy because I wasn't as terrified to loose you" "Don't be, I'm terrified to loose you too, I think you'll know if we'll break up way before we do" "Why?" "I won't just randomly say I don't want you, we'll probably draw apart and things will get awkward and neither of us will want the relationship. It'd have to be for a fucking good reason because I don't just let people go easy, I don't have many people in my life so I won't let you just leave"

I step out and go into the next shower so I can change my boxers and put on new clothes then go back to Pete's shower. When I pull open the curtain Pete screams and turns away from me so all I see is his pale ass before I slam the curtain back across and lean against the wall. I didn't think he'd be naked and I feel bad for just busting in without thinking about it. I only saw the back of him but I didn't want to do that because now Pete will freak out and won't trust me around him if he's not fully clothed.

"Pete can I come in?" "No, please wait" "I will, just come out when your ready". When Pete comes out he's fully dressed like me and quickly falls into my arms "I'm sorry babe" "You did nothing wrong sweetheart" "Sorry, I didn't want you to have to see me" "I shouldn't have walked in, I didn't think about it" "I'm sorry, I didn't know you'd come in and I should have gotten dressed quicker, I'm sorry you had to see that, you must be disgusted" "Not at all, I'm the exact opposite, your beautiful but I'm sorry, I don't wanna make you feel awkward"

Even though I'd be happy to stay here with him forever, Pete steps back and just takes my hand "Can we please not say anything more about this" "Yeah ok, are you ok though?" "I'm ok, I'm really ok, I just don't feel comfortable talking about it" "Ok, as long as your ok" "I am, can you also just hold my hand because I don't wanna have lots of touching" "Of course, whatever makes you comfortable"

It's all Pete wants so even though I want more I just hold his hand and take him back to his room then run my thumb across his knuckles. "Pete darling, can I kiss you?" "Yeah, you can always kiss me" "I like asking though" "You don't have to, I know you and I'm ok with kissing you" "It's romantic to me though, I just like the idea of asking you and for you to say that you want to kiss me" "Then yes, you can kiss me"

I quickly peck his lips then go back to my own room for a while to give him time alone. I wanted to spend the afternoon together but he probably has homework and I fucked up by walking in on him so he needs alone time. No matter what I still think he's beautiful but Pete probably needs time to convince himself of that because I did walk in on him totally exposed which is going to hurt him. We'll be ok and I know Pete will learn to accept himself but I'd react the same way if he had seen me naked so we'll just have a bit of time apart then we can work things out. I want a healthy relationship with him so I'm going to try to make sure we have one.


	40. Chapter 40

**Patrick's POV**

When I go to see Dr Williams the next day Pete's sitting in a chair chewing his nails so I go and sit next to him so I can pull his hand away from his mouth and link it with my own. He has pretty hands and I don't want him chewing them to shreds and making them bleed because this beautiful boy doesn't need to have anymore pain then he's already had.

"Hi sweetheart" "Hi" "How are you?" "I'm ok, how are you?" "I'm good now that your here". He turns away but I can see him blushing so I quickly kiss his knuckles and turn back to Dr Williams.

"You're good this morning Patrick?" "Yeah I am" "Has Pete told you that you might be leaving soon?" "He mentioned it but I didn't think it would happen" "Yes well we are thinking about it" "I don't wanna leave Pete" "If you don't need to be here it's best that you go and live your life" "I can't" "You'll get your work sent to you and you can get a tutor if you want, you should get back into a normal routine though" "I don't want to, I love Pete, Brendon and Ryan and I don't want to go back to my parents"

Pete sinks into my side and wraps an arm around me which I lean into and rest my head on Pete's soft hair. "Please Dr Williams, that's not my home, here's my home" "I know but it doesn't need to be if your not planning to hurt yourself" "But I like it here, it's safe and everyone is nice and I have friends and a boy I love" "You'll still have that but eventually you always will have to leave, nothing lasts forever" "I can't leave Pete" "You'll still be able to see him, just not everyday" "I'll miss him" "You can plan to see him whenever you want, we do want you two to have a good relationship. You'll probably be living with Brendon because we know how your parents make you feel and we want this to all go well" "I'll live with Bren?" "Yes, if we can get that approved" "That'd be amazing" "Then we could work with you still, you'd be with someone you like and trust and Pete could occasionally stay the night"

With a sob Pete leaps into my lap and hugs me so tight I almost see stars. He's small and doesn't seem strong but he's like a weightlifter when he gets excited, it just makes him even cuter though. "I could stay the night Patty, I could come and see your room and we could be together" "I'd love that" "I really wanna do that, I'd love it if you lived with Brendon because I could steal Ryan's phone and you could use Brendon's phone" "Or I could get my own phone so we wouldn't have to read Brendon and Ryan's messages" "That'd be really nice, I can't have one though" "That's ok, you can use Ryan's, he's nicer then Brendon so he wouldn't tease you or send awkward messages" "I'm so excited" "I don't wanna leave though I'll miss seeing you everyday" "But we'll text and see each other as much as possible" "But it'll be hard"

Dr Williams explains some more of what will happen but I only half listen and pay attention to my gorgeous little Pete. By the time she works out all the details and makes sure both of us are ok with it it's lunchtime so we go and sit together in the corner of the lunch room. Pete's not eating and I'm still sad about leaving so I hold him tight and continuously lie my head on top of his and keep every part of him I can reach.

"Pete are you going to eat?" "No" "Just a little bit darling" "I can't, how can I when I know you're just going to leave" "I'm not just going to leave" "You are" "No baby, no I'm not" "I don't wanna eat without you" "You'll have to, I'll still be here and I always wanna look after you, please eat" "I don't want to, I want you to stay for me"

He pouts and turns his head away from me until I pick up his fork and put a piece of pasta up to his lips "Come on darling" "Please don't leave me Patty" "I won't, I will not leave you" "I can't, I'm only good because you love me so much that you make me love myself, you make me feel like I'm something special and nothing else matters" "I'll still be there, if you need me then you can call me on Ryan's phone, if it's an emergency I'll be there the second I can, I'll drop anything for you and I will be there" "I'll miss you" "I know but maybe you'll be able to get out soon because you have gotten so much more confident and you'll live with your mother and we can see each other any time we want" "I'll try to get better" "You should always do that, if you need me though I'll get on the phone with you and talk the whole time you eat, I need you to eat and be happy"

Finally Pete lets me feed him so I slowly give him as much as he wants then hold his water bottle up so he can drink some. It's kind of like feeding a baby and it's a little weird but Pete makes everything cute. I like being able to be intimate in these little ways and I love that Pete trusts me to feed him and trusts that I'll be ok with doing things like this for him.

"Darling do you want anything else?" "Fruit, I like keeping a little thing in my room in case I want something later" "Are you allowed to?" "Yes, Dr Williams says it's totally fine" "Ok, what would you like?" "Apple and banana" "Ok, I'll get you that sweetheart"

I go and get what he wants then we walk together back to his room and I run my fingertips down his arm "Do you wanna spend time together?" "Yes, I want you to teach me" "Teach you what?" "Something I wanna do, you might not know but I wanna try and make you remember me"

He leads me in to his room and closes the door quickly "I wanna do this so please don't say you don't want me" "I won't have sex, please baby I've said I'm not ready for that" "No, I wanna show you something and I want you to tell me what things you want from me" "Babe no" "No please, I do it by myself sometimes and I want you to like me"

I'm confused about why he wants this but when Pete starts to peel his banana I can't help but laugh and go over to wrap myself around his back. I know Pete and I really doubt he can just force himself to do something like this and be sexy for me but I'll let him try because I want Pete to be confident around me.

When Pete's peeled it halfway I sit back and Pete shuffles around so he's sitting across legged facing me. "Are you really giving a banana a blowjob?" "I can't give you one, neither of us are ready and I'm not comfortable with that, I want to do something" "Kissing or cuddling or talking is fine" "But this is special, I want you to watch me do this because it's embarrassing but I practise sometimes in my room and one day I want to do that for you" "If your comfortable with it then ok, we'll try" "It's something I've done a lot and it's private so I wanna let you watch and if I do you'll know I love you so you won't forget about me" "Your my first serious relationship, I'd never forget that, especially not after being away from you for only a couple of days"

With his eyes closed Pete leans in and licks gently at the top of the banana then closes his mouth around the top inch of it. He's very slow and careful but his eyes are closed the whole time which makes him look so little and fragile and that makes me love him even more then ever.

He's obviously not confident in front of me because he's shaky and very slow but it's adorable that he wants to do this. I know he didn't have a choice with his father and Jason so they probably didn't teach him, they just took what they wanted from an innocent little kid. That makes it special because he wants to do it for me and he wants to teach himself so he'll make me feel good, I love him so much. It's weird but he did say he tries to do it by himself sometimes so even if I didn't like it it would be special because it's Pete's secret special thing and it means a lot that he wants to safe it with me.

"You look really cute Petey" "Really?" "Yeah, your adorable" "I've done it on a real person, I don't know what to really do, the banana doesn't tell me if it feels good" "Try going a little faster maybe and try sucking on more sweetheart" "Would you like that if I did it to you?" "I don't know, no ones given me one"

Pete licks at the top again then sucks a couple of extra inches in and bobs his head quicker. His eyes are closed again, probably because he'd be too embarrassed about me watching and my dicks getting very hard which is awkward even though Pete probably wanted that.

Finally he opens his eyes and looks at me as he sinks down until his lips almost get to the bottom of the banana then he quickly pulls off and closes his eyes again to keep placing little kisses at the top. "Fuck Petey" "What's wrong?" "Nothing, that was just pretty impressive" "I don't really have a gag reflex anymore, I can do it if I want but I don't like choking" "Don't do it then" "You like it" "I like everything you do, I like you being cute and innocent and doing special things instead of acting like a casual slut" "Should I stop?" "No, just do it your way" "Ok, if that's what you want"

After a few more minutes of watching Pete at his slow pace with his eyes closed he looks at me again and bites the top off the banana. It's totally stupid but I crack up laughing and collapse back against the wall as Pete stares at me with upset puppy dog eyes. "What did I do? Didn't you like it?" "That was just kinda cute, if you do it to me though please don't bite off my dick, that might be a bit awkward"

Pete giggles too finally and takes another bite "Wouldn't that turn you on?" "No actually, I'd rather you be gentle". He grabs onto my hand and gives me one of his beautiful smiles "Did you like it?" "Yeah I did" "That's good, thank you for not making fun of me" "You were beautiful and you are beautiful so I wouldn't be mean about something special you do for me"

I kiss him then get up and run my hand through his hair "I'm gonna have a shower darling, I'll be back soon ok?" "Yeah ok" "Bye sweetheart, enjoy your banana, don't do anymore naughty things unless I can watch"

Once I've closed his door behind myself I run as fast as I can down the hall to the bathroom and lock myself in a cubicle. I sit down on the toilet lid and push my pants down so I can take a hold of myself. He's made me so hard and I can't help but relieve myself before I either burst or go back to Pete to get him to blow me.

My hand moves quickly as I shove my fist in my mouth so no one in the shower area or in the rest of the bathroom will hear me and wonder what's going on.

Pete's so gorgeous that I can't help imagine how amazing it would be if he gave me a blowjob instead of the banana. It would be so amazing to have Pete's beautiful lips on me and to wrap my hands in his hair and feel exactly how amazing he is at it. I really want to go back there and get Pete on my dick but there's no way I can do that so I move my hand faster and just wish it was Pete's. Soon I choke on my hand and come which leaves me sitting there breathless and feeling really good.

When I come down from the high and realise what I did I sink to the ground and push my face into my knees. I'm so disgusting sitting here and jerking off to Pete while he sits in his room being cute and innocent. This probably isn't what he wanted and he'd be terrified if he knew the things I'm thinking of. He did something special in front of me because he trusts me but I'm just sitting here wanting more even though there's no way Pete could do something like that. He loves me so much that he'd probably be willing to try and the fact that even for a second I wanted that is disgusting. We're dating because we trust each other and Pete trusts me not to take advantage of who he is but that's the only thing I want to do right now.

I hug my knees tighter and just breathe deeply. Pete probably knew that I would get turned on by this and he probably knew I'd end up in the bathroom thinking about him but I'm taking this so far. He obviously likes to take things slow and do things by himself but all I can think of is fucking his beautiful mouth and feeling myself hitting the back of his throat. Pete would freak out which makes me feel like shit but the idea of dominating him and having a beautiful boy totally at my control is so hot.

When I manage to get my thoughts under control and stop feeling like a horrible person I realise how fucking much Pete means to me and how desperate I am to make him happy. I'd do anything for that boy and I really don't wanna disappoint him and make him regret being with me.

I really really don't want to leave the boy I love so cover my mouth with my hand and let tears start falling down my face.  I don't know how I'll ever manage without Pete because he's the whole reason I'm in such a good state of mind right now. Brendon's amazing and I love him but he's not Pete, having a few minutes with him on the phone every day will never be enough. I'll start deteriorating again and I'll be scared every second for Pete because I won't know what's happening. I won't know if he's happy or if he's eating or if he's found someone else who treats him better then I ever could. He deserves someone happy and healthy but I can't be that person, I desperately want to be but I don't want to risk hurting Pete because I'm in a crappy mood.

Luckily there's no one in the bathroom as I sob and try to find a way to stay with Pete until he can get out too. I need that boy and I don't want him to realise that I'm not the kind of person he needs. If I leave Pete will be sad so there'll be someone else who'll comfort him and Pete'll realise that they're better for him. He's young and beautiful and amazing to be around, of course another man will snatch him up as soon as I leave but I'd rather die then loose the one thing keeping me sane.


	41. Chapter 41

**Pete's POV**

Patrick takes a really long time in the shower so when he eventually comes back I'm finished with both pieces of fruit and I'm really bored without him. Happily I pul him into a hug then jump onto my bed with a giggle. He only looks down at me though then sits at the end of my bed.

I don't like him being so far away so I try to pull Patrick back towards me but he just wiggles away and stays a foot away from me. I knew this was all such a bad idea. Why would he ever want to watch me do something like that, no one would ever want that. He pretty much ran off after I was done and now he doesn't seem like he wants to have come back and he definitely doesn't want to be here.

Maybe he told Brendon about it and Brendon told him he should come back and tell me I should never do something that gross again. Maybe he's going to break up with me now.

Patrick's never wanted anything sexual but I did the exact thing he doesn't want. I wanted to be sexy and I wanted to make Patrick see that I can do a lot of things for him if he wants them. I wanted to try to give him something special so he'd know that in the future I was open to doing things like that because I love him.

It was so freaking weird though, it wasn't like I did it to him or on a proper sexual toy or anything, it was a freaking banana. It wasn't sexy or something he wanted to see, I didn't make my boyfriend love me more, all I probably did was make sure he'll never eat bananas again.

Patrick's not saying anything so I sit against my headboard and stare at my lap sadly. Since he obviously isn't interested in me right now and doesn't wanna be here I won't try to go over and do anything. Normally I'd just crawl in his lap and ask what's wrong but I already know what's wrong, I'm the thing that's make him annoyed so doing more sexual things won't make Patrick happy again.

I was stupid thinking he'd like it. I'm 16, underage and totally inexperienced so of course I wouldn't know what would turn him on and I'd just mess this up.

I should have done something different that would have actually made Patrick remember me and keep loving me when he leaves. This will just make him happy to be away from me so he'll try to find someone better which won't be hard.

It's something I've done a lot in private because I am gay and it's something I want to be able to do for the man I love and the man I marry, that's why I thought Patrick would like it. It's private and no ones ever seen me doing that before so even though it's weird and I know it is I wanted to show Patrick. We tell each other secrets and I would be comfortable telling him anything he wanted to know and I really hoped he'd think it was nice. Even if he thought it was weird I thought he'd understand how private that is and how scared I was to do something sexual in front of a man. I trust Patrick with everything but he's still a man who can easily overpower me and force me into doing things I don't want so I'm scared no matter how much I know he loves me.

This wasn't what I wanted afterwards, I wanted him to maybe say he liked it or that it was nice for me to trust him. I didn't wanna scared him away but that's exactly what I've done. Maybe if I apologise and promise to do something else he'll forgive me for being stupid and making him uncomfortable. I don't wanna do a real blowjob but if Patrick would prefer that then of course I'd do that for him. Slow and gentle and stupid probably isn't something he likes, if I let him dominate me and show me how to do a proper blowjob it might make him happier. Then he'll know that even though sexual things scare me I'm willing to do them for him and he'll know that in the future I will give him the blowjobs he wants and I'll actually do them well.

Carefully I slide over and put a hand on Patrick's arm "I'm sorry Patrick, I shouldn't have done that, I'm sorry I made you angry" "No darling I'm not angry" "I know I'm annoying and I know I'm not good at that, I'm sorry for doing that then expecting you to like something that useless"

I look down at the bed and wait for Patrick to tell me what he wants but all Patrick does is wrap me in a hug and kiss my forehead "Don't apologise" "But I messed up and made you angry so I'm sorry" "Don't be sorry" "But I am" "There is nothing to be sorry for because you did nothing wrong" "I did that but you didn't want it and I made you mad, I don't wanna make you mad" "I'm not mad but if I was then it wouldn't be your fault, someone else be angry is not your fault. You don't have to apologise or be scared of me, I love you and if I ever do get angry I won't take it out on you"

He knows me really well and he knows that I was scared of him getting really angry with me so I'm glad he said that. Patrick's probably still annoyed by me and wishes he wasn't here but he's not the kind of person who'd hurt me in any way or expect me to apologise for making him mad.

"I shouldn't have done that though Patrick, I won't do it again" "Why not?" "I don't like disappointing you" "I wasn't disappointed, it was so much more then I expected" "I'm just sorry" "Don't be, I've already said that you shouldn't be sorry" "Sorry" "Did you just apologise for apologising too much?" "Yeah, sorry"

Every time I do something wrong I'm used to just apologising and letting the person tell me off or punish me but all Patrick does is pull me over and hug me again. "Don't apologise, I know it's just what you do but you don't have to, what're you apologising for?" "For grossing you out and making you mad at me" "I'm not grossed out and I'm not mad, if I was grossed out I'd have told you to stop and if I was mad I wouldn't be around you because I'd never want to take that anger out on you" "If it's my fault I deserve it" "Nothing's your fault"

I let myself be rocked back and forth until I'm calm and just super happy to be around Patrick. "Why do you think I'm mad sweetheart?" "I dunno baby, you left straight away and now you don't seem interested, I thought I disappointed you or weirded you out" "No darling, I just had to deal with a problem you caused before I could come back and I'm worried about it happening again" "I'm sorry" "Do you know what the problem was?" "No" "You turned me on honey, you made me really horny" "Oh, really?" "Yeah, I was the exact opposite of grossed out" "You really liked it?" "I loved it, I love that you can be so confident with doing those things in front of me and I love that you chose me to show it to"

He liked it, he actually liked what I did for him and I feel so so good. I wanted to just show him I trust him but it's nice to know I actually turned him on and that maybe he got some pleasure because of what I did, I like pleasing Patrick.

We cuddle for a bit then Patrick kisses the side of my neck "Thank you so much" "For doing it?" "No for not being annoyed that I ran out because I was horny" "I wouldn't be mad" "I thought you would be" "No I'd never be, I did it so I guess maybe I wanted you to get turned on" "I'm glad, I jerked off to you" "Was it good?" "Yeah it was" "I'm glad, I like turning you on" "Hopefully I can do it for you one day" "I'm sure you will" "I really liked the way you did it though, making love with your mouth I guess" "Yeah that's what I wanted" "I like it" "What did you think about when you did it?Did you think about me or something else? I haven't really done it before and I never even knew what an orgasm was before Ryan explained it, I've never had one"

He seems slightly awkward when I ask but Patrick seems to like the idea of being open with me so I'm glad when he slips his hand under my shirt to rest on my warm hip. "I thought about you" "What about me?" "You giving a blowjob, I wanted it to be me not a piece of fruit" "One day I want it to be" "I just thought about you giving me one and how amazing it would feel to dominate a beautiful boy and have him on his knees working magic on me" "I don't think I can be dominated, I'm not comfortable being restrained or forced into things or told what to do" "I don't mean like that, I just like the idea of someone like you who I love giving me pleasure and letting me take control" "If I give you a blowjob you won't be in control. I can't let you push my head down or choke me or force me to take your dick down so that might mean that I can't please you and anything I do will suck but that's me and you know that"

I stare at my toes and it's so embarrassing that I have to say that. My slow boring way of doing it would never make Patrick happy but it's all I can do, I hate choking or going too fast so I have to go slow. Patrick probably didn't want me to be so boring and it's probably not what he imagined but I'd rather tell him now instead of humiliating myself when I actually do one on Patrick. If I could let him control me and tell me what to do I would but it's just not possible so if he knows what to expect he won't be as disappointed.

"It's ok Pete, I'll take anything I can get for you" "Demisexual right?" "What about it?" "That's what you are" "Yeah it is" "So would you be ok with not having sex often and doing lots of foreplay to get me comfortable doing it?" "Of course, I like the idea of just getting used to you and seeing what turns you on. I'll probably bottom so I'll need foreplay too so I'm not scared" "I'll bottom" "No sweetheart, I'd never be able to do that, I'd be too scared of hurting you or going too rough and you wouldn't tell me to stop" "I'm a bottom though, I'm naturally submissive and your bigger then me so I want to be a bottom" "We'll see, neither of us I'll do anything right now and maybe when we're older you won't be hurt so I'll feel better about it"

Patrick flicks his tongue along the top of my ear until I look up at him and swap him away "Stop it babe" "I should probably go do some work but thank you for everything" "I like making you happy, I'm glad that your so much better and you can leave soon" "I'm glad too, your one of the reasons I am happy and I'm so so glad that I'll be able to see you whenever we need each other"

I lean up to kiss Patrick solidly then hug him tight "Thank you for loving me" "Thank you for letting me love you and for loving me back"

We keep kissing until Patrick pulls away and leaves me sitting on my bed "I'll see you at dinner ok?" "Ok bye bye". He kisses me again quickly then walks out so I can lie back on my pillow, pick up my teddy bear and sigh. I did something terrifying for the man I love and I found a nice way to give him a gift without breaking any of our rules and boundaries, that makes me really happy.

I push my face into my pillow and try to think about other things. It hurts that Patrick's going to leave soon but he won't leave me and I trust him with that. We'll still see each other because I know Dr Williams will let me and Patrick will want to see me as much as he can. It might be fun to spend the night with him and Brendon because Ryan can come over and we can all hang out and get food then I can stay in Patrick's bed which will be amazing.

I'm still so sad he'll be leaving soon though and I don't want to start crying now because Patrick will be waiting for me to have dinner with. Once I start crying I don't stop for a while and it's a whole big mess so I'm trying really hard not to cry now so I don't turn up to dinner with a tear stained face and I don't have to tell Patrick about it. He already feels crappy enough about having to leave and start his life again so he doesn't need to worry about me getting upset or not being able to handle it. I'm definitely going to have a good long cry tonight though so I hug my bear and start thinking about things the 4 of us can do if we do get to just have a guys night at Brendon's house if Patrick lives there. My friends are so amazing and I can't wait to spend proper time with them like normal people.


	42. Chapter 42

**Patrick's POV**

Pete's waiting for me at our normal table when I get there for dinner so I lean across to peck his lips then go get some rather disappointing pizza. Hospital food is never great but even greasy take away pizza is better then this so I'm rather disappointed with whoever made this pizza. Half a slice of pepperoni on a whole piece of pizza is a betrayal.

When I get back to him Pete smiles and we hold hands over the table as we both sit in silence. I didn't notice at first but Pete has his little teddy bear on his lap and as soon as I let go of his hand he tries to slip it under his shirt before I notice. He's so unsubtle though because I noticed it before and I can see the bulge under his shirt so I don't know why he's trying to hide.

I wait until Pete's finished eating then slide around onto his side of the table and gently hook his shirt up so I can see the bear. "Why are you hiding this darling?" "It's embarrassing, your so much older and I'm just a child, I don't wanna seem even younger" "I don't mind sweetheart, I knew it was there so don't try to hide it" "Do you not mind?" "No, if it makes you happy then I don't care at all if you want to take the teddy bear around with you" "I was just sad that you were going to leave me soon so I'm getting used to having this so it can be a Patrick whenever I need it" "What does that mean?" "It'll give me cuddles and listen to me when your not here, I think I need something like that until I get used to not having you close to me all the time"

Pete looks really innocent so I tuck the bear against his chest and cuddle him close so it's pressed between our bodies. He's been so open lately and I love that, if he wants to do something for me or needs to do something for himself then I love for him to have the confidence to do it.

"Sweetheart are you ok?" "Yeah I'm ok, I'm in your arms so of course I'm ok" "I mean with me leaving" "No I'm not ok but you deserve to be free and live your life, you won't abandon me and it might be nice to stay with you at Brendon's and pretend to be normal for a night" "It will be nice" "I think I'll be ok without you" "You can call me if you need me" "I don't wanna annoy you" "You won't, I'll be so happy to talk to you" "When can I call?" "A thousand times a day if you need it" "I don't wanna wake you up or interrupt" "You won't, any time of the day or night will be fine" "I take that seriously you know, you'll probably be woken up at midnight many times" "Feel free" "Can you get me a phone or something like that?" "I'll ask, you can have anything you want as long as you help me find a way convince Dr Williams to get it for you"

Pete giggles and pushes himself against me then places my hand on his bear. We sit in silence for a while then I pull Pete to his feet and tuck him and his bear in my arms so I can walk him back to his room.

Ryan's waiting so I have to let Pete go and go back to my own room with Brendon but as soon as I hear Brendon and Ryan leave I run back down the hall to Pete's room and slip inside. There's quiet snuffling that stops as soon as I enter so I rush over and kneel down beside Pete's bed. "Baby are you crying?" "N-no" "It's ok sweetheart, come here" "I'm sorry" "Don't apologise, just come here my darling"

He finally rolls over so I can see his little face, red and streaked with tears. Some people can cry attractively but Pete definitely isn't one of them. He's still my beautiful little boy but I hate the way the tears look on him and I hate how helpless and broken the boy I love is. Pete tries to stop crying when he sees me but all he succeeds with doing is making himself start coughing and crying harder.

I slip in bed with him carefully and wrap him back in my arms with his bear pressed between us again. "I-I'm s-sorry" "Don't talk darling, just let it out" "I'm s-s-sorry" "Shhhh darling" "I-I j-just-" "Don't talk darling" "I'm j-just s-so sorry, I l-look like an idiot" "You don't, you can be comfortable crying in front of me because you've done it before and I'm happy to be here for you. Just cry as much as you need and I'll stay right here until you want to talk or you're ok for me to go back to my room" "Don't leave" "I wouldn't dream of it"

For a long time we stay in the same place as Pete cries against my chest and eventually he manages to stop long enough to reposition himself onto my chest. "I'm sorry" "Don't be, do not be sorry" "I'm a crybaby" "You are not a crybaby, I've cried so so many times in my life and I would never judge you for being upset. I know you Pete and it's not something stupid, this will be something you're actually really upset about so I'd never make you stop or be annoyed at your tears" "You came for a nice time, I'm supposed to be a good submissive boyfriend and please you every way I can so you shouldn't have to deal with me being a baby. I'm already so young so no older boyfriend would want to deal with a little baby crying in bed with his teddy bear just because he can't spend every second with his boyfriend"

We're on the verge of more tears and it's pretty obvious that Pete can cry an impressive amount so before he starts anymore I rest a hand on his cheek and start kissing his face. After a while I've kissed off most of the salty tears so Pete's face is smooth again and I can lie back down and pull him back to me so his head rests in the crook of my neck.

"Patty I-" "Sweetheart no, don't apologise" "You deserve more then this" "I don't want anything more, you're everything that I want" "Why would you want tears over blowjobs?" "Because tears from you will always be special and they'll mean something but you can put your lips on my dick for so many reasons and right now I doubt any of those reasons will be love" "I do love you" "But I don't want a blowjob right now" "Sorry" "No one should be apologising, I'm not an asshole who's want his crying boyfriend to blow him, no ones done anything wrong and I'm glad I can be here for you"

The way Pete hums quietly and closes his eyes when I say that is something I obviously wasn't supposed to notice but it makes me happy. He seems content and comfortable there so I'm glad, I want a relationship where we're comfortable showing emotion and that's what I'm trying to make. Hopefully Pete will get used to getting cuddles instead of beatings when he shows emotion, I want this boy to have so much love and never feel anymore pain. Even if he's been taught to hide who he is and submit to people stronger then him maybe I can help him know that he doesn't have to do that around me, I'd rather die then lay a finger on this boy.

"Baby I don't want you to leave, I don't want to turn around every day expecting you to be there when you're actually so far away, I want you with me" "I will be here, we'll call and text and meet up whenever you need, I won't be gone" "Who'll hold me at night and tell me they love me and protect me from monsters hurting me in the dark" "I will, you can call me anytime you need and if you need it I'll get Brendon to drive me here in the middle of the night and I'll break down the freaking front door to come be with you" "Thank you, I love you" "I just know you'd do the same for me" "I would"

He's so delicate and it's the most beautiful thing when Pete starts rubbing his head against my chest like a kitten. It's basically what he did when he first met me and spent a few days rubbing his face on my arm before I could touch him so it's sweet he's doing it now.

We just lie in silence for a while as Pete keeps rubbing his head against me until he must find a place he likes and settles down. He's lying right on my heart so he can probably hear it beat which just makes it even cuter when Pete drifts off to sleep.

After fumbling around a bit I find his bear so I can tuck it to his chest then hold the boy tight and settle down to try and get to sleep as well.


	43. Chapter 43

**Patrick's POV**

When I wake up Pete's still asleep so I stroke through his hair until he murmurs at me to stop and cuddles closer to me. "Hi Petey, you sleep well?" "I always do with you, how about you?" "Me too, you always make me sleep well".

I kiss him quickly then put my hand gently on his stomach "Do you wanna get up and get breakfast?" "No, I like it here" "We'll stay here a while then" "Please move your hand" "Why?" "I'm still not confident about my body there" "Your beautiful, you don't have to be self conscious about any part of you"

I move my hand down to his hip because even though I don't really want to, it makes Pete look more comfortable with me being here. "Patty are you self conscious about anything?" "Yeah everyone has something they don't like about themselves" "What's it for you?" "The scar on my chest probably, that's the biggest thing I hate. I get pimples really fucking easily and I get a sunburn every day in summer which makes me look like a tomato and I get dry lips which occasionally bleed. There's lots of things about me that suck but they're not huge things and I'm used to those stupid things by now" "I've never noticed your lips bleeding" "Because I use a bunch of this medicine lip balm stuff that makes them not dry" "That's cute, my boyfriend wears lip gloss" "It's not lip gloss, this is supposed to be a safe space for talking you little dick"

Giggling I poke him in the stomach and pull him closer to me "Don't be an ass Pete" "I'm not an ass" "I don't wear lip gloss" "I'm not being mean, I just think it's funny" "Next time you tell me any secrets I'm going to laugh at you" "Don't be a meany" "I am a meany so I'll be one as much as I wanna be"

We roll around giggling and kissing for a while until I end up on top of Pete with his arms around my neck holding me to his lips. I manage to slip my tongue into his glorious little mouth before Pete pulls away and shoves at my chest "My bear! Where is he?" "I dunno babe" "Get off, your probably crushing him"

I really don't want to but I get off Pete and let him search around until he finds the bear under his bed and can hug it to his chest. "Is he ok darling?" "Yeah he is" "Can we keep kissing?" "We shouldn't" "But do you want to? We don't do very well with obeying rules" "We shouldn't"

Pete's not being very convincing because he's hugging the teddy bear and looking up at me with gorgeous flirty eyes so I prise the bear from him and sit down on his lap. With a little squeak he looks up at me and his arms slip around my waist "Your such a bad influence" "Yeah I know I am" "I'm going to miss you so much" "I'll miss you too" "You'll have Brendon though, he'll be able to corrupt you even further and you'll be happy with him" "I'll definitely miss you though" "You'll have him though, you're best friends and maybe you'll meet that pizza guy Brendon talks to and you'll fall in love" "I'm already in love with you"

There's been such a rapid change from the flirting because now Pete seems so sad. It's almost like he's trying to convince me to dump him when I leave and it sucks because he tugs his bear back to his chest to make a barrier between us.

"No Patrick you can't love me, you need to be free and live your life" "You're not stopping me doing that" "But I am, you don't deserve to be held down and forced to be with a stupid kid in a mental hospital. Baby you need to have a life and you need to dump me" "No I won't" "Please, I know I'm useless, please dump me" "Do you want me to? Don't you wanna be with me?" "I do but you deserve someone better, I already said I'm just a stupid kid in a mental hospital and I don't deserve you"

There's been a lot of moments like this and it really sucks that Pete's feeling like this just because I do have to leave him for a while.

Even when Pete tries to push me away while tears start falling down his face I stay close to him. I let himself get pushed off his lap but I sit at his side and wrap my arms right around Pete and his bear while he starts to sob.

"Pete baby don't cry" "Why do you love me?" "Because you're the most amazing person I have ever met and I don't know where I'd be without you" "I'm disgusting" "Your so amazing" "I love you, don't lie to me" "I'm not lying, I love you too"

With a sob he falls against my chest and clings his toy harder as I hold him against my chest and let him cry. It goes on for another 10 minutes until Pete seems to run out of tears again and only groans occasionally when I try to release him even a tiny bit.

"Sweetheart can we talk now?" "No I don't wanna hear the man I love telling me how he wants someone else and I don't want to have to watch you walk away from me. Can we just stay here for the rest of our lives?" "I wish we could darling, I really do" "I love you more then anyone and I've trusted you more then I've ever trusted a man before, even if you do want the pizza guy or anyone else please let me keep believing the fantasy. You can tell Dr Williams and she'll help me get used to the idea of being by myself so when I get out you can break up with me. It'll hurt but if you do it now I'll be so broken and I don't wanna loose all this progress from the last few months. I know you might not want me and it'll disgust you to pretend to love me but I'll stay at the hospital and it'll just be phone calls occasionally. Pretending to love me wouldn't be hard because I'm so needy I'll take any piece of love I can get. I'm just not ready to loose you right now and that's why your getting released and I'm not"

We now have a completely bullshit plan and my boyfriends told me to pretend to love him so I can break his heart at the moment he's happiest. What kind of monster does he honestly think I am?

I think its just because I'm leaving and he's really not ready for that but me leaving isn't a break up and he needs to understand that I do love him and nothing I told him was a lie. I'm not just looking for a quick hook up while I'm here, I do really like Pete. We might break up eventually if things happen in our lives but I still really like him so it won't be right now.

"Please keep loving me Patrick, I'll do anything if you just pretend to still love me so I can be happy a bit longer" "No Pete, I don't have to lie to you" "I want you to, I want to be able to pretend I'm loved so I can try to get better. I'll do anything for you and I'm sorry I'm not what you want but I need you to pretend. What can I do to show you that I love you so so much?"

I'm getting really upset too because I don't know what to tell Pete so I kiss his forehead and wipe the tears from his cheeks then open the door and wave to Ryan. He's sitting on the ground on his phone giving us some privacy and when he sees me he stands up and wraps me in a hug "Are you ok?" "Not really Ry, can you please talk to Pete?" "Is he ok?" "No, I don't know how to talk to him, he's really upset and I'm too upset right now to know what to do" "Yeah ok, I'll look after him" "I know you will, you're amazing for him"

He hugs me tight then goes over to wrap the crying Pete in a tight hug that he instantly relaxes into. Brendon comes and wraps his arms around my waist to pull me away and we walk back to my room so I can collapse on my bed.

"Alright you little cunt, tell me everything" "It's private, Pete wouldn't want me to" "I'm your best friend, keeping secrets doesn't apply to me so spill everything" "Dr Williams told me I was going to leave soon and that I would stay with you and Pete could visit so me and Pete did stuff together. He got upset because he's self conscious but I love him and I like spending time together. I came back at night after you both left and he cried for a while because he doesn't want me to leave and now he's crying again this morning because he wants me to dump him" "Your relationship is so dramatic and it's so much more interesting then mine, I like mine because I get laid a lot but yours is fun to hear about" "You're a sadist, you just enjoy my misery" "Your so in love you're not even able to be sad"

He's so useless at anything deep and meaningful but Brendon is good at making me laugh and I can't help laughing when he comes over and smacks my ass "I know you guys aren't going to break up but if he talks you into it you'll still live with me and I'll give you the time of your fucking life" "I'm not fucking you" "I'm a top, I'll fuck you" "No way" "That's what they all say until my cocks in their ass, no matter how much you try to resist I know you love me" "I love you but your dick can stay in your pants" "That's dick torture" "I know, don't be a fucktard"

I lie on the bed with him for a long time until Brendon pulls me to my feet and throws an arm around my shoulders "Let's go check on the cuties" "They are both pretty cute aren't they" "Hell yeah, I want the both on my dick" "Back off my boyfriend" "Alright I'll stick to mine" "And your thousands of other hook ups" "Yeah them too" "You're a slut" "I'm a slut and I'm proud of it"

Brendon kisses me on the cheek loudly and when I jump he smacks my ass making me fall back against him laughing and hitting his chest. He's a really good best friend and I am glad I'll get to live with someone I really like and who'll make things fun instead of a nightmare.

Pete pokes his head around my door slowly and blinks at me with his pretty eyes "Hi baby" "Hi sweetheart, are you ok?" "I wanna talk" "Then we'll talk" "In front of Brendon and Ryan?" "No, I don't think it's the kind of talk we should have with them" "Can I come in?" "Yeah of course, come here my darling"

He runs over and sits on my lap so I can put my arms around him. He's shaking slightly which gets worse when Brendon leaves and I feel bad for making him uncomfortable, he shouldn't have to feel like that around me.

"Hi darling" "Hi Patrick" "How are you?" "I'm ok, how are you?" "You know I'm not very good baby and please don't just tell me what I want to hear" "I don't know how you're feeling and I don't want to annoy you, we're supposed to be making up" "Talking is what making up is about, we can't be happy together if you can't even tell me how you feel" "I'm scared and upset and lonely but you don't wanna hear that, you don't want to hear anymore about my stupid fears" "What did Ryan tell you?" "He told me it was just my brain making up crap and that I have a man who loves me so I won't be alone anymore. He said I should tell you that I'm upset but I don't really want to"

I can't really push him much more so I just hold onto him and kiss along the smooth skin of his neck "You don't have to" "Really? You said I did though" "Yeah but if you don't want to then you don't have to" "I want to but I don't want to annoy you" "You don't, you really really don't" "I wanna spend time with you, I wanna know I'll still have a boyfriend after you leave" "You will and I'll happily spend time with you now" "I don't want you to cheat on me or be with someone else, I love you and I'll give you anything" "Just give me love, I don't need anything else except for you to love me and be faithful so I can do the same for you"

Pete lets me pull him up then I wipe at his tear stained cheeks "I think you need a shower sweetheart, we need to get these tears off your perfect little face" "Sorry for crying" "Don't apologise for having emotions, I'd be more worried if you didn't cry" "Have you cried?" "I have, I really don't wanna leave you but I know we have to do it" "It's just a break, we'll see each other still" "Definitely, I still have to beg Dr Williams to get you a phone" "I don't mind stealing Ryan's, he won't judge me for anything I say" "Some things are personal though"

With a happy little smile Pete kisses my cheek then we walk out of his room so he can shower. Pete holds the curtain open for me to get in with him but I shake my head "No sweetheart, just get clean" "We're supposed to be making up" "That doesn't mean sex or anything physical, just clean off darling".

With a sad whimper he closes the curtain and showers while I stand outside waiting for him. I don't hear anymore crying and Pete doesn't seem upset which I'm very glad about.

"Baby can I have a towel?" "I forgot to get you one, should I run and get one now Petey?" "Yes please" "Clothes too?" "Yes, I completely forgot" "It's alright sweetheart"

I run quickly to his room and find new clothes and a towel then run back to where Pete's waiting in the shower. I can see him curled up against the side of the shower trying to hide from the view of anyone.

"Hey beautiful I'm back" "Do have my stuff baby?" "Yeah sweetheart, put your hand out" "You can come in if you want, I trust you" "No darling you deserve privacy" "I don't need privacy from you" "But you deserve it, we don't have to rush because I don't plan on leaving you anytime soon so we have as much time as we need"

His hand pops out and I hand over his things then wait for him to get dressed. After a couple of minutes Pete's hand pops out again and tugs at my arm until I give in and go into the cubicle, hoping he's not naked. Luckily Pete is in boxers and he looks down embarrassed when I look at him curiously.

"I wanted to ask something" "Go ahead" "Am I an ok weight?" "Yeah you're beautiful" "Really? I feel better because I'm eating but haven't thrown up so I really wanted to know if you're happy" "I'm always happy with you and I'm so so happy that you're eating properly, I love how you're letting people help you"

Pete tries to quickly wipe a tear off is cheek but I see him and get slightly worried but he just wraps his arms around me. "Thank you, I feel better because I can eat comfortably and I won't get told I'm gross and underweight anymore" "You were never gross, I'm happy you're healthy though" "I know you'd never agree because I'm too young and we're not ready but if hypothetically we were going to have sex, would you get turned on by me? Would you want to have sex with me?" "If we were ready and you were old enough I would, I'd happily let you ride my cock all fucking night" "You have such a dirty mouth" "I know darling but it turns you on"

Now that he seems ok I step away and let him get dressed then walk him back to his room.


	44. Chapter 44

When I wake up Petes cuddled up at the end of my bed with a blanket around him as he plays on a phone. "Hey sweetheart" "Morning babe" "Who's phones that?" "Mine, Dr Williams has one for you too" "Ooh cool"

I crawl over to peer at what he's doing and see he's still trying to set it up so I wrap my arm around him and help him. When he manages to get everything in the right language he leans against me and kisses my cheek "Do you mind me coming to your room like this in the morning?" "I love it, it's a real nice sight to wake up to".

My favourite thing is how easily Pete blushes so I pull him close when he tries to turn away to hide his red cheeks. "Sweetheart?" "Yes" "You know I'm leaving tomorrow" "I know" "I'm gonna spend the day with you today, every last second" "Can I stay in your bed? Can you come to drop me off at school tomorrow? Can you just not leave?" "Yes to the first two but no to the last, I have to go my angel" "Can you help me put my bracelet on then?" "Of course"

I take it from his hand and tie it around his wrist and admire how good it looks. It was a good choice for his birthday and he seems to love wearing it just as much as I love seeing him in it.

"What should we do today beautiful boy?" "We've done everything. I was happy doing the same things everyday and never making friends for 2 years until you came along but now we've done everything interesting and I get bored easy" "I get bored easy too so I guess I've rubbed off on you" "I don't mind" "I hope not" "I wanna draw something for you but there's not really any time" "There's plenty of time, I'd love it so much if you drew for me" "I'd love it too"

We sit on the bed for a while and finally Pete hands me a picture of myself, asleep in bed. It would be very cute if it wasn't so horrifyingly unattractive. I like to consider myself to be pretty attractive and even though its obvious that Pete loves me from the soft way he draws me, the image of me is kind of sad. I'm asleep with my mouth wide open, a bit of drool running down my chin and my hair going crazy around me on the pillow.

I've spent nights with Pete and I guess this is what he wakes up to, that's not such a nice thought because I like being confident and attractive for Pete. It doesn't really help my self esteem but its very cute that Pete chose to draw me over everyone else and that he watches me when I'm with him.

"This is really good Pete, couldn't you have chosen a different picture though?" "I thought it was good, I wanted to draw you so I thought it was cute, is that not ok?" "It's just that I look so bad here, you could have picked a better looking picture" " You look beautiful, did I mess up your face or do something wrong? I tried really hard and I thought you'd like it" "I do but I don't like the way I look in it" "I do, you're beautiful and I'd rather draw you like this than make you look perfect like an angel, you're my angel but I like you to be my boyfriend as well"

I wrap him tight up in a hug and kiss the top of his beautiful head "I love you, thank you for drawing me, you're an amazing artist" "Thank you, I really want you to enjoy the things I do for you" "Everything you do makes me so happy and I'm glad that your art makes you happy"

He smiles and holds my hand tight "Let's spend the day together, I love Ryan and Brendon but I want it to be just us" "Ok, I love spending time with you"

We spend the rest of the day talking, cuddling, kissing and playing games and when I finally have to let Pete go so we can go to bed I'm sad and I wish I never had to leave him. 

In the morning I get dressed and wait with Ryan and Brendon until Pete's ready for school and comes over to hug me tight with his backpack over his shoulder. We hug for a long time before Pete pulls away and slips his hand into mine "Come on babe, I guess we have to go now" "I'll miss you so much and I'll call you tonight alright?" "I'll answer when you call, I love you and I'll text you whenever I can and I'll call you every night" "That would be amazing and at some point I really want you to come spend the night with me and Brendon"

Spending a whole night with Pete would be amazing because we could be together and it would be so much fun. I love him so if we get to be together out of the hospital without so many rules and people watching over us it'll be nice. I can show Pete my room and do fun things together and spend a whole night cuddled up in bed with the boy I love without the risk of being caught and getting in trouble. 

Pete clings to me the whole car ride and Ryan makes sure to park down the road from his school so he doesn't end up breaking down in front of people he knows. By now he's pretty much wrapped around me and refuses to let go so I have to kiss his forehead and hold him close.

"I love you my little darling" "I love you too, please don't leave" "I have to but I'll be right here and if you really need me Brendon can drive me to the hospital or to your school, you're not alone baby" 

I stroke his hair and place kisses everywhere I can reach to try to stop Pete crying. "I love you my sweet angel, I'll always be here for you. As soon as you get out of the hospital you can come live with me and Brendon or you can live with your mother so you can come and see me as much you want" "I'd love that, my mummy will be happy to have me back with her and I'll spend as much time as you as possible"

Even though he seems to like the idea Pete still starts crying and pushes his face against my chest to try to stop the tears. "Please don't leave me, I need you and I love you more than anything" "I won't leave you, I love you, I belong to you" "You mean everything to me, you're the reason I'm happy and I couldn't bare to loose you. I know I'm nothing special so you can be with other people and it's ok but please don't leave me, I need you" "I will never cheat, I'll never betray you like that, you're the one I love and you know that I belong to you"

We sit and cuddle until Pete stops crying then I take the tissues Brendon hands me and wipe the tear stains off his perfect little face. Once he's looking normal again I take his hand and lead him out of the car with me.

"Baby I'm going to walk you to school ok?" "I don't want to cry in front of everyone when you leave" "You're not going to cry because you're my strong little baby and you can text me as much as you need. You have Ryan's number so if today gets too hard you can call him and he'll pick you up so you can go home and call me. We're here for you and we care about you so much. I'm going to walk you to school and I'm going to kiss you in front of everyone so everyone knows you're mine and you're loved"

He nods so I can wrap an arm around his shoulders and we walk towards the school. When we get there Russel's waiting by the gate so I pull Pete into a hug and whisper to him about how much I love him.

I know Pete just wants to cling onto me forever and never have to let go but one day he has to learn to be independent so as much as it hurts, he'll have to start learning today.

"I love you my sweet little angel, if you ever need anything just text me and we can text or I can call you or me and Brendon can come get you if you need. I'm not leaving you but we will be apart more often, don't worry about it" "I'll miss you" "I know, I'll miss you too but this is good and I hope you'll be able to leave soon as well so we can spend time together and be happy" "I belong to you, I love you" "I love you too and you're the only one I want"

It hurts to let Pete go but eventually I do and give him a long kiss before stepping back completely. "I love you, text me whenever you get a chance ok?" "Ok, do you mind if I text you a hundred times a day?" "Of course not, I'd love it, I plan on calling you every time I can't sleep so I don't care how often you text me, I just love hearing from you"

Pete gives me a sad smile as I start to walk backwards, waving and barely able to look away. I end up walking into someone so I'm forced to look away and only look back once I'm at Ryan's car. Pete's standing next to Russell now, still waving to me, so I wave back while I get in the car. Eventually Ryan starts up the car and starts to drive off so I wave until Pete's out of sight and I can't wave anymore. 

Brendon climbs into the back seat with me to wrap me in a hug so I lean against him and try to keep myself from crying. It's so stupid because it isn't a break up so me and Pete can call and see each other when we need to but it hurts to be leaving him. We've spent everyday together and now we're apart so its weird and it does hurt, I wish I could spend every minute with him in my arms but I can't.

I'm finally getting to start a new life and I can try to make something of myself and be happy for once. I have a really good feeling about this so even though it feels like I'm loosing Pete, I know I have everything to gain so this is a really good thing. 

For the first time in my life I have a good home, a best friend who cares about me and a boyfriend who loves me. I can go back to school or go to college or get a job and I know I'll have people to love and support me. 

As long as I have Brendon, Ryan and Pete I know my life can't get as bad as it was before. Even after I tried to kill myself 9 times I'm still alive and I guess I'm here for a reason. If I had of succeeded I never would have met these amazing people so I'm glad I failed so many times. Now I have things to live for and there's no way I'd ever try to hurt myself again when I know it'd break the hearts of the three people who mean so much to me. 

They've made me want to live so I have to live for them. My life will be good now on so I hope the rest of my life makes me as happy as I am right now. Ryan and Brendon make me really happy and Pete especially makes me so so happy. 


End file.
